A record of a transition

I've Moved!

2010-03-06T20:25:00.000-08:00

I've decided to move this blog to tumblr! If you haven't joined there yet, you should, it's very good.

http://becomingkeltik.tumblr.com

http://keltik.tumblr.com

LGB - T?

2010-03-02T07:30:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking recently about the term 'LGBT'. Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered. Some people talk about how the T just gets lumped on at the end there, how it's easier to just include us with the gays, like we're not really a part of them, but we're a bit weird and different too, so it's ok. But then, I see how people in the LGB part of the community act towards the T part of the community. They voice similar predjudices towards us that the heteronormative community so often does. I even saw one lesbian refer to a transwomen as "this transexual guy" "He's wearing a fetching pink dress todayy!". Just a complete disregard for this woman's right to be refered to as female, she clearly knows that the person is an MTF, yet chooses to use the wrong pronouns.

It makes me wonder why the LGB part of the community chooses to act like this towards us, you would think that being part of a minority, a communtiy already maligned by the greater heteronormative communtiy, they would be more sympathetic towards our community. Yet they're not.

So why would this be? When I think back to my time in the lesbian communtiy, there was this feeling of hatred and disdain for anyone encroaching on their community who wasn't an 'Alex Parks carbon copy dyke', this included me. I was too butch for them, plus I was into music like Slipknot, not the dance/pop music that was popular then. So even back then I didn't fit in, I was an outsider, I never got to understand the mentality behind this disdain. But it was there, it was real. I see others, who are members of the Butch/Femme community who, to this day, still experience this rejection from the greater lesbian community.

It makes me think, if the lesbian community (I'm sorry I can't speak for the gay community, I've never really had much experience with the boys) is still willing to reject other lesbians for something as trivial as being 'too butch' or 'too femme' what hope does the trans community have?

So I kept thinking. And then I watched a video by Charles (freshlycharles), talking about his expericenes as a female in a 'rape culture'. And it got me thinking some more. I remember hearing so many coming out stories, where women had said that at first they had sexual experieces with guys before realising they were gay. And it made me think, is there something, perhaps on some subconsious level that makes the lesbian community so guarded because they don't want the effects of this 'rape culture' to permeate? They don't have any sexual interest in men and so why would they want this male influence in their world? Do they view transwomen as really just men in women's clothes? Do they view transmen as dykes who 'sold out'? Deaddogx makes some good points in his video about this too.

When I look at the term 'LGBT', the first thing that comes to mind is that the LGB part refers to sexuality, the T refers to gender. Now, as I've mentioned before, these are two different things. Gender doesn't denote a specific sexuality and sexuality doesn't denote a specific gender. They're two seperate entities, so why are they pushed together like this?

Maybe that's a contributing factor to this 'us and them' feeling? Being a lesbian or a gay man doesn't involve having dysphoria, hormone treatment or surgery. There isn't the same kind of big changes involved with being gay as opposed to being trans. Lesbians are biologically female and female identified, as with the guys, they're biologically male and male identified. They are cisgendered people, who happen to be sexually attracted to people of the same sex and gender.

But then what about all the lesbian, gay and bisexual transpeople? They have every right to be a part of these communities, yet they still experience predjudice. But then I guess this takes us back to my earlier point.

I don't like this feeling of 'us and them', be it between the gay community, the trans community, the LGBT community or the heteronormative community. To my mind, conflict doesn't solve anything. We're all in this together, we're all human after all.

FTM UK - Tranny Chasers

2010-02-22T20:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't really had any progress worth mentioning on the transition front, so I'll push on with the FTM UK topics to keep this blog ticking over. Week 7 was 'Tranny Chasers', this term seemed to confuse the guys on the channel strangely enough. Anyway, here we go...

To me, the term 'tranny chaser' counjours up images of a dirty old man in adult book shop. It's not a nice term, it's not a nice thing. My understanding of the term is that it someone who has a sexual fetish for transsexual people, I.E. they fetishise the transsexual aspects of those people. To me a tranny chaser isn't someone who has an attraction to the person, just the physical charactaristics that usually define transsexualism.

I know the term can be banded about far too easily and people in the trans community can be quick to label someone a tranny chaser when it's not the case at all. A friend brought up a genuine point, she was branded a tranny chaser by a group of transpeople because she expressed an attraction to transmen and women. She made the point, by their logic, if a transperson is attracted to another transperson, does that not then make them a tranny chaser? I know myself as a transman who has been attracted to other transpeople, that I'm not a tranny chaser, there's no fetish involved for me and the same is true for my friend.

So what does it make me? Well not a tranny chaser for one. When defining my sexuality, I tend to use the terms queer or pansexual. My primary attraction is to cisgendered females, but I'm not going to rule anything out, so I don't define it too specifically. There is a clear difference between someone who has a genuine attraction to a person who is a transsexual and someone who has a fetish for the transsexual aspects of a person's body.

What my greater concern is, why are we so quick to brand someone a tranny chaser? Why are we so quick to push these people away from our community? To slap this quite frankly derogatory term on them and react so violently towards them? I see the trans community talk about feeling excluded from the 'LGBTQPI' community as a whole, yet when someone from another letter in the acronym shows an interest, we reject it.

I used to see something similar when I was still identifying as a lesbian (a good many years ago!), in pubs and clubs on 'the scene' in Glasgow, the girls I was with branding others as "hettys" and being so disdainful and hateful towards them. I think they felt that it was an attack on their space, there are so many 'straight' clubs in Glasgow yet at that time there was maybe 3 or 4 gay pubs and basically 1 club. Is it the same mentality that is prevailing? A feeling of "us and them"?

Something I'm finding as the trans community comes into it's own, is that with the spectrum of gender identities out there, there's alot of 'gender fucking' going on. The porn that the queer community is producing reflects this, different body types, different genders getting it on and getting off. Where's the harm in that?

Personally, I don't want to be fetishised for those parts of my body. To me, they are abhorrant, and for someone's primary interest in me to be just those parts, it would be an insult to me. On the other hand, if someone was attracted to me for who I was, and who I am because I am trans, well that's just fine by me.

FTM UK - Role Models

2010-02-15T16:33:00.000-08:00

I expected a bit more results with this topic, I thought we would all have role models growing up, people we idolised and wanted to be like, maybe it's just me? I'm a big movie fan, I always have been, and I think I've learned a lot from films. Watching how the male characters acted, especially in old films, we watched alot of old films as kids. I think seeing those strong, alpha male, gentlemen characters had a profound influence on me. That's what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I was always a big child, now I don't mean fat, but tall and well built and strong, it's traits that run in my family. But I also tended to identify with male characters who also had these characteristics. The same applied to computer games, with this outlet, I could go some way to express myself. One childhood favourite was Streets of Rage 2. I always went the big wrestler guy, Max.

And as games become more sophisticated and you could customise your characters, I would always go for the big guy. Tall, strong, muscular, everything I wanted to be. But it wasn't just films and games that I had these role models, there was TV too. One program that really sticks in my mind was a TV adaptation of Beauty and the Beast, with Ron Pearlman and Linda Hamilton (some of the older readers should remember!).

I guess this kinda appealed to me as I never really felt 'right', there was something different about me too. Another favourite as a child was a kids' program called 'Round the Bend', I absolutely loved this program, and the main character, Doc Croc, I thought he was brilliant. I think my sarcastic sense of humor was shaped from an early age by the Spitting Image guys.

I don't think I could really say that I had a real life role model that I looked up to. I wouldn't call my dad a role model, we don't really have anything in common to allow us to have a proper close relationship and he's not really one for passing on the things he knows. Pretty much whatever I've learned has been my own doing.

Lacking a proper male role model, I've had to kinda figure a lot of things out myself that normally your father or grandfather would have passed on to male children, fortunately a friend of mine pointed me in the direction of The Art of Manliness, which I've found to be very interesting and quite inspiring. I've still got alot of reading to do on the site, but I think it's going to be quite the influence on me.

The channel's videos -

FTM UK - Public Bathrooms

2010-02-08T16:02:00.001-08:00

This was the topic for week 5 on the channel, to talk about our experiences and advice. For the post part, I haven't really used men's toilets alot. It's only really been within the last 6 months or so that I've really settled on the issue of transitioning. I was always on the fence before, and therefore I wasn't really making an effort to pass, including using guys' toilets. The last few months though, have afforded me little opportunity to use mens' toilets. But on the few occasions I have, I've not had any bother. I've actually had more bother using ladies' toilets. Women will stop and stare at you, ask each other if that was a guy, question you directly, it's ridiculous really, at times I have had to argue with women that I'm not in the wrong toilet.

One thing I've found with guys' toilets though is that they're generally pretty unpleasent. If it's a big establishment, like an office building or a hospital, it's not so bad. But a pub or club, they're usually pretty nasty. But then, guy's don't usually need to sit down... you get my drift.

Living at home (thanks recession!) makes it even more difficult to do things to help me pass. I don't know how I would explain to my mother about an STP which she would no doubt stumble upon at some point (my privacy is not top priority in this household).

My advice would be the same as everyone else's really. The men's room is not the place for eye contact or small talk, there's a particular etiquette. There's lots online about this, this is a fun little game you can try to test out your knowledge!

Videos for week 5 -

FTM UK - Emotions & Moods

2010-02-07T20:32:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know, I keep a collab channel running on youtube, it's the FTM UK collab channel. I don't make videos myself as 1. I feel like a complete tard talking to myself on camera, and 2. I don't have a proper camera. So, I was thinking, there's all these topics that the guys are making videos on, and it's things that I myself have an opinion on. So instead of voicing my opinions in a video, I'll do it here. Weeks 1 to 3 were introductions (which I've already done), coming out stories (that I've already covered) and how do you ID? So I'm gonna jump ahead to week 4, emotions & moods.

This was kinda posed to the guys as have you noticed any differences since starting T. Well, as I've not yet started, I'm just gonna talk about my emotions and moods in general. For the most part, I'm fairly laid back, I don't anger easily, I'm even headed in a crisis, I'm not overly emotional in general. I seem to have the basic 3 or 4 emotions, happy, sad, angry, whatever... I'm not the the type to cry at movies or weddings, I guess I don't feel that much. Maybe it's a defence mechanism? I don't know. My mood's usually fairly even too, I don't seem to have much in my life right now that really gets me excited.

Is this a typically male thing? I don't know, my dad's kinda the same and I take after him in many aspects but I think with him it's more stoicism than mellowness.

So that's it for emotions lol, not much to write about! I've got a couple more weeks to catch up on, so I'll do that another night.

The week's videos are below.

Marriage

2010-01-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

I seem to be surrounded by talk of marriage right now. Whether it's my brother's wedding, Ellen and Portia's wedding, Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon's (I'm working my way through Queer Eye Candy just now), FIMG and Holden's wedding (you two look like you were made for each other) or any of the couples' sharing wedding pictures on the site, I can't seem to escape it.

Even though I'm in Scotland, a lot of my queer friends are American, so I hear about the American news, things like prop 8 and all the battles for equality that are going on, and it's got me thinking about marriage.

In Scotland (I think the same applies to the rest of the UK but I'm not 100%), to get married, you have two choices. If your birth certificates states one person is male and the other is female, you can get the traditional marriage certificate (this includes transpeople who have amended their birth certificate). However, if you are a gay or lesbian couple, or if you're trans but have not yet amended your birth certificate, you cannot take this route. You can however opt for a civil partnership, which gives couples many of the same rights as a traditionally married couple. If you want to read a bit more, the government's website is pretty good. Something to note, civil partnerships are not open to male/female couples.

So we effectively have legal gay marriage here. And surprise surprise, the moral fabric of the nation has not be torn assunder by baby weilding lesbians or predatory gay men. Nobody's taken away the rights or freedoms of all the nice heterosexual couples. Nothing much has changed other than alot of LGBT people have been made very happy.

So I don't get what the problem is America? Why is it so important to restrict the rights of so many people in your country? What harm would it do to let two gay people who are in love get married? I see the church here always trying to fight these things. Trying to stop the advancement of gay and trans rights. They view it as some kind of attack on the family, on marriage, on the church, when it's anything but. We're not interested in attacking your way of life, so please stop attacking ours.

A number of years ago, there was Section 28, it was all about an amendment in the law which had prevented local authorities (like the American state system but on a smaller scale) from 'promoting' a homosexual lifestyle, the quote reads:

The amendment stated that a local authority "shall not intentionally promote homosexuality or publish material with the intention of promoting homosexuality" or "promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship".

I remember at the time this was happening, some of the mail my dad had received as a minister, from the various christian groups he was a member of. I could not believe some of the stuff I read. It made my blood boil. They would view this as an attack on the church, they wanted to repress education and enforce ignorance. At the time I ID'd as gay, and I remember saying to friends at the time, when I was in school, I knew nothing of homosexuality. It was not taught to us, it was never discussed. I found out there was such a thing as being gay because a neighbour's older child told us. My parent's certinally wouldn't have told us. So where did that leave me? In school, being called a lezzy, or a dyke or a poof or any other derogatory gay name was an insult. We were not educated that being gay happens, and it's not a bad thing.

When I look at things now, 15 years on, how much it has changed, how different people's attitudes towards homosexuality are, I'm amazed. Would I have had the horrific years of bullying and abuse that I did if this law wasn't in place? Maybe.

Another thing that springs to mind from my time reading those letters was that there was to be a change in the law, preventing someone being discriminated against because of their sexuality. Now this particular change meant that the church, on finding that a member of their congregation was homosexual, could not remove that person from the church based on their sexuality alone. Is that not incredible? They were fighting to retain the right to kick the gays out of their church at will. What happened to the true meaning of christianity? When was that forgotten?

This is a big conflict I have with the church. I am a christian, I have my faith, I have my beliefs but my church doesn't always agree with me. I've yet to witness their views on transsexuals.

I don't know where I'm going with this, it's just a load of thoughts that have been swirling around up there.

On a side note, I've met someone. I'm not saying too much just now, I'm keeping this one under wraps for the moment, I'll end with this point though, my jaw muscles are getting sore from all this smiling...

Endless questions

2010-01-17T19:22:00.001-08:00

I made a post the other day about cramp pains and problems, a friend made a suggestion that it may be endometriosis. Having never heard of this before, I wiki'd it and was both relieved and worried by what I read. The symptoms that it lists, I have quite a few of them.

One of the things that it mentioned was needing to urinate frequently, this is something I've had since I was a kid. As a kid, my mum took me to the doctor who said I had a 'weak bladder'. Now I'm wondering if that wasn't the case after all.

In my last job, my boss regularly made snidey comments about the fact that I was frequently visiting the toilet, he thought I was just skiving, but considering I did more work than any one else in the team (including him) despite the toilet breaks, I don't see why he had reason to complain. This was actually a contributing factor to me leaving his team and moving departments, which then went belly up (also due to a toilet breaks issue) and I ended up quitting the place altogether. It actually quite angers me to think that I put up with all that bullshit and subsequent hardship because of something that may yet turn out to be a genuine medical condition.

In the same vein, it also annoys me to think of the number of times my mother has given me a hard time about not wanting to do anything when I do get cramps, or being given a bunch of pain pills and sent off to work or school, feeling utterly miserable and in pain.

Now my dilema is diagnosis and treatment. I do not plan to start transitioning while living in my parent's house. However, one treatment for this is a hystorectomy, another is progesterone, both parts of FTM treatments. My concern is, if I go to my doctor and am diagnosed with this, what would they do? Could I ask for a hysto? If so, would I need to start HRT after? Would they start me on E? Would my body produce enough T to keep me healthy naturally? How would I explain to my parents that I chose a radical hysto over pain meds?

Another problem is that I can't afford time off work to recover from a hysto while I'm trying to sell my flat, I'd need to wait untill that's all finished and I'm in a better position financially. But what if I start a job and a month later, I'm off work for several weeks recovering from surgery?

Or do I just keep suffering it? For the sake of keeping everyone else comfortable?

Why am I constantly confronted with this question?

Why can't I just be selfish about it?

Why can't I just catch a fucking break for once...?

Southern Comfort

2010-01-15T12:00:00.000-08:00

A film everyone should see.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7645076540593746026#

You don't know jack

2010-01-15T10:46:00.000-08:00

My mother can be such a cold heartless bitch at times. My parents have this work ethic which quite frankly borders on ridiculous. You go to work/school even if you're sick, unless it's something like a broken bone or swine flu, you go to work. You made a commitment to that establishment and you have to uphold it, even at the detriment of your own health and potentially those around you. My mother actually cracked a rib (she fell off a foot stool and hit her back on the kitchen worktop) and still insisted she was going to work, the doctor, my brother and I all told her otherwise.

My mother is a civil servant, she works for the government, this means she has alot of protection in her job, she won't be fired just because her boss doesnt like her. She was a house wife when we were growing up, so this is like her first career job which shes been in for about 12 years now. As I've mentioned before, my dad is a minister, he has been for almost the entirety of his working life. He had small jobs when he was a student, but for the last 30 odd years, he's worked in churches.

So neither of them really have any concept of what it's like to work for a commercial business. They've never been fired from a job to take the blame for their boss' mistake. They've never been fired because the boss doesn't like them. They've never had their wages messed around with. They've never been 'just a number' which some guy behind a desk in London could score a line through their name and they'd be out of a job. I have. I have experienced the 'real world' of work in today's society. I've worked for companies that do not give a fuck about you or your safety or your wellbeing in the workplace. I have been just another number.

So why should I have any great loyalty to a business that holds no great loyalty to me? I don't, I value my health and well being above company profits. And it's for this reason, I don't have the same retarded work ethics that my parents do. If I am genuinely sick, I'm staying in bed until I'm better.

My parents of course disagree with this and as you may have noticed, aren't shy about voicing their opinions to me. So when I'm lying in bed with real pain, real sickness and diarrhoea, real discomfort, I don't apprecite being bollocked for not getting up and being a productive member of society, or not going to work.

My mother came in today, from her work and gave me a row for being up all night (due to the pain) and making excuses for lying in bed all day. 'I get them too, I know what it's like and I'm fed up of your excuses'. I find it incredible that this women knows exactly what I'm experiencing physically. Another favourite is when she tells me that she also knows what I'm thinking and feeling.

She has no fucking idea just how wrong she is.

One hysto to go please

2010-01-14T21:08:00.000-08:00

I'm surprising myself that I'm posting about this again. This is normally a subject that I don't talk about openly, it's quite an embarassing subject for me. I guess because of my dysphoria, y'know the more I think about it, the more I realise how many things in my life it's affected. I can't even buy myself sanitary products, I'm far too embarassed about it all.

I'm posting about cramps again. I guess it's as much for myself to have a record of these things. Its been about 6 weeks since last time, this for me isn't unsual. Sometimes it can be 3 weeks sometimes 6. The unpredictability is quite irritating, I don't know when to expect it, just out of the blue they'll start and within hours I'm in alot of pain.

Considering it's something that I've always been too embarased to speak about, I don't really have other people's experiences to compare with. I don't know how normal mine are. Remembering years back to the talk we got in school about these things, the description we were given then isn't what I'm getting now. I get alot of pain, it fucks up my guts, it lasts for about a week, I don't get all emotional or hormonal or anything, but the whole thing angers and depresses me. Is this normal?

Y'know what, I'd like to put that as a question to all the biologically female bodied readers who have experienced cramps. What's your experience? Is mine normal? Please comment, even if it's anonymously. Thanks.

Personal Blog

2010-01-14T18:39:00.000-08:00

For anyone who is interested I have a personal blog, this being my transition blog!

http://keltik.tumblr.com

The Every-Transguys-Worst-Nightmare Test

2010-01-11T21:24:00.000-08:00

There's a new campaign encouraging transguys to get pap or smear tests. In the UK, when you reach a certain age, I think 16, the NHS start sending you letters every year, with an advice note, asking you to book a test with your doctor. Mine have always went straight in the bin.

I will never willingly have a smear test. I know all the health benefits and I agree that the test is a good thing, but as a transgendered person, I will not do it. Shitty attitude, right? I should be looking after my health, huh? I know I should, but I could never bring myself to let someone do that to me. To let someone put something, anything, inside me would go against every grain of my being. I could not physically bring myself to do it. My dysphoria is so bad, I would rather run the risk of cancer, than let a doctor examine me.

In all likelihood I will at some point in my life have cancer. I have lost a number of family members recently to cancer. I believe the statistic is that 1 in 3 people will have cancer at some point. Statistically, I will probably die young from cancer.

My 'plumbing' in this area is kinda fucked up already. I don't get regular periods, sometimes its a 2 or 3 week break, sometimes its 5 or 6 weeks. It's always very sore and heavy and lasts about a week. It's not something I've discussed alot, but I've kinda picked up here and there that it's not really 'normal'. As far as I'm concerned, the sooner these wretched organs are ripped out, the better.

That night...

2010-01-03T09:38:00.000-08:00

I keep going over in my mind about the events of hogmany. The different attitude people had towards me, the girl who had her hands all over me all night, the (gay) guys who were eyeing me up and dancing up close by me, the staff at the bar serving drinks. For once, I wasn't viewed with suspicion or as just another big butch dyke. I was viewed as guy, and apparently a somewhat attractive one at that.

See, for years I've thought of myself as unattractive, reinforced by years of bullying and very little interest from girls. I've never really been much good at talking to girls like that, I never really had much confidence and then after a while I just stopped trying. So for years I got by as this asexual stone butch dyke who didn't 'go out on the pull'. After a while I realised I was transgendered, then I was this asexual wannabe transguy who didn't 'go out on the pull'. And so it has been for many years, I've been very lonely during this time, no companion, no intamacy, no support, no love, no girl.

That night was a turning point for me, the first step in a new (and a little scary) direction. That was the first time I'd worn a binder, the first time I'd made an effort to really pass, the first time someone had taken me as male and I hadn't needed to correct them.

There's a big grey patch in my life where nothing really happened, I was just existing, not living. I don't want to return to that, I don't want to be alone and unhappy, I want to be attractive to other people, I want a companion, I want to be happy. And now I've had a taste of it, I don't ever want to go back.

Oh Ten

2010-01-01T08:43:00.000-08:00

So here it is, 2010. My resolution is to make a start on my transition, and in some small ways I already have. I got my binder in the post yesterday, ofcourse I tried it on straight away and it was a very good fit. I think I could have gotten away with the next size down, but still it's really very good.

As it was hogmany (new years eve) yesterday, I had planned to go out into the city and celebrate with friends, so I decided to try it out. I met up with some friends who also had some of their friends meet up with us, their friends were lesbians so we ended up going to a gay club. It would seem that the binder done the trick as I was just taken as a guy.

This really was a first for me, I haven't ever before purposefully intended to pass as male. It was really a new experience and to be honest, I enjoyed it, it was nice to be recognised as a guy for a change. The only thing I would say that I regret is not having an STP packer, I really did feel that something was missing (that and I was bursting for the toilet all night and didn't much like the look of the toilets in the cubicles!), I did get a bit close to (physically) to someone that night and it was a constant concern, what if she reaches for something thats not there?

Seeing my rather drunk friends interacting with strangers in the street, it made me realise how women perceive men. My friend Charlie had mentioned in a video about a discussion he had with a cisgendered female and how she was more aware of her surroundings and had an innate fear of strange men when out in public. I really saw this last night, women were somewhat more reluctant to interact with a strange male, some even turning away altogether. It's not something I've really experienced before, from such a personal viewpoint. Not that I am really the type to approach strangers in the street, but Glasgow is known as the friendly city and people usually respond well to being approached. But still, it made me realise, I'm no longer part of that group, I'm slowly but steadily loosing my connection, my ties if you will, with the female community, and with that I'm having to (to a degree) relearn behaviours. I'm seeing now how I would be percieved as a male and recognising now that behaviours towards women that cisgendered guys learn in their teens, I have to adopt myself.

In other news, my mother made me go shopping with her. As I mentioned before, she's bought me a trouser suit for my brother's wedding. She had also bought some awful blouse to go with it, which I point blank refused to even entertain the idea of wearing. So, we needed to get a replacement, I also needed to get a pair of shoes for the occasion. I'm pretty sure I've touched a little on the perils and pitfalls of trying to buy ladies shoes that will actually fit me, so this time we opted for a pair of men's shoes.

Now, this is a pretty significant milestone. My mother, who in the past gave me a bollocking for looking at men's shoes, was actually in the men's department of a clothes shop with me, looking at men's shoes and suggesting different pairs for me to try. Admitedly, I did steer us in that direction but only after she had exhausted the options in the ladies department, but none the less, she was there with me, quite happily looking at the clothes. I got a shirt for wearing with the suit, a men's shirt, which she did not complain about, I got the shoes, and I tried on a pair of trousers too. However, on entering the changing rooms, I was directed to the men's changing rooms. I didn't realise this at first, and my mother did try to call me back, but I indicated to her quietly not to make a scene as it would just be embaressing all round if I were to try and go into the ladies room and have to explain to the shop assistant. So she was initially somewhat ashen faced, but perked up when she saw me in the clothes (I think that kinda took her mind off it).

But I feel like this is a big step forward, I was explaining to her also about why I prefer to wear men's trousers, that the cut is better, more flattering. She countered by saying that women's clothes are cut for a female body shape, but the proof of the pudding is in the eating as they say. I look terrible in ladies trousers, I don't in men's. So I think I can count that as a victory of sorts, there was no unspoken awkwardness, no sense of shame in looking at male clothing.

That last line, kinda brings me into the something else that I've been thinking about recenetly. I've realised that I have a feeling of shame with regards my masculinity, and I think its been mostly fuelled by my mother. I see cisgendered guys with beards and body hair and masculine clothing and theres no shame there, yet I can't help but feel that although I long to look like that, in reality, there would be a sense of shame and embaressment about it around my family. I find myself being quite jelous of these guys. To hear my brother talking about being protective of his girlfriend, and my parents (my father especially) agreeing with him, I think, what if I was to talk like that? What if it was me sitting at the table with you all, talking about being protective of my girlfriend? Would you be so quick to agree? Would the topic even be open to discussion? Would it make you feel uncomfortable? I would myself feel uncomfortable discussing it with my family becuase of that sense of shame that's been put in place.

After years of bullying, I developed a rock hard outer shell, 'I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about me and they can fuck off if the don't like it'. I really don't want to use time and energy worrying about these things, it really matters nothing to me. I'm not going to change myself to make other people (this is excluding my family) happy, if someone has a problem with me, I really don't care. On a very few occasions, I have had altercations with people, some physical, but I am now at a point where I feel like I can handle anything. I've been experienced verbal, emotional, mental and physical violence, and I'm still standing. I now do not fear these things. This frame of mind has, I have found, eliminated alot of stress for me. I just don't worry about these things.

Unless it's with my parents, it's strange to me that they're the only people who have this effect on me. I don't fear violence from them, more the shame and awkwardness. I find that very difficult to deal with, I think I also fear to some degree, abandonment. They're who I turn to when I need help, not with matters that would be talked about, but physical needs.

Maybe that's whats scaring me so much? We don't talk about thoughts and feelings, I don't feel comfortable discussing those kind of things with them, I feel awkward and shameful. We never ever discuss sex, ever. And this, my transition, I guess to some degree, falls into that category, sexual organs, sexuality, masculinity, gender roles, things that are never discussed.

And then the ubiquitous sense of shame...

The Ultimatum

2009-12-28T15:52:00.000-08:00

My brother is getting married in the new year, I'm sure I've mentioned this before. Well, my mother has given me an ultimatum. I can either wear a ladies trouser suit and attend the wedding, or not attend the wedding. I only have one brother, and I doubt he'll ever be married twice, but regardless, this is a pretty big thing and because he is my brother and I love him, I don't want to miss it. However, this ultimatum is causing some problems.

I really don't want to wear women's clothes. My mother stopped dressing me a long time ago, and I finally was able, to some degree, to express myself. But every now and again, something like this comes up and me, being the girl, am expected to dress appropriately.

I don't like dressing up. Nights out, I don't do it, I don't have any nice clothes like that, I don't get dressed up. Quite frankly I wouldn't really know how. I don't have any practice in that kind of thing. All my clothing buys have been to disguise my female body and make me feel comfortable. A ladies trouser suit to me is like a straitjacket. I really don't want to wear it.

As I'm rubbish at shopping for clothes, and to be honest I don't enjoy it (changing rooms, funny looks, 'is that a girl buying men's clothes?'), my mother has been scouring the shops for a trouser suit for me to wear. Unfortunately she's found something.

Trying on the clothes, I can't help but feel almost like a petulant child. I instantly go into a bad mood, I want to throw a tantrum, I want to express my horror at having to wear these clothes, I want to tear them to shreds. She pre-empted this by telling me I won't like them, that I'll think they look stupid and it's too bad as that's all there is. So atleast she understands I'm not a willing party to this.

Now, I'm a fairly stoic type, 4 emotions, I don't cry easily, infact I rarely cry (the last time I really cried was on finding my boy Ninja dead at the side of the road), but this had me with a lump in my throat. It really upsets me that much, but I can't tell her that. I can't tell her why I'm reacting like I am. It's not because I'm trying to be selfish or difficult. I can't tell her this, so I end up getting defensive, which means I get angry and go on the attack. I can deal with a big shouting match easier than I can trying on these clothes. But she doesn't know that, so it's just chalked up to me and and my bad attitude, like so many things in my life, trans bullshit interpreted as selfishness.

I don't know how she hasn't figured it out yet, I wonder if she attibutes it to me 'being gay' (for those not in the know, this is the 'official' stance with my parents). Although masculinity and sexuality are two different things entirely, I wonder if she's aware of that?

The things I do to keep this woman happy and she doesn't even realise.

Changes

2009-12-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

I am what I am. I can't change who or what I am. My brain works a certain way, it's capable of absract thought, planning things, imagining a better life, understanding mechanics, handling vehicles, spatial awareness, there's certain things it does well and there's certain things it doesn't.

I'm not good at cooking, I'm really rather rubbish at it to be honest. I can't think about preparing food, cooking it and providing a meal. I'm not very good at keeping up with the cleaning either, I will literally wear every stitch of clothing I own before I do a washing. It doesn't occur to me to dust down furniture, or wash dishes, or 'help out around the house'.

I was brought up in a very traditional style household. When we were children, my mother was a 'stay at home mum', she didn't work and stayed home to care for us. My mother decided when I was in my early teens to go back to college & university. This meant that she would not be at home when we came home from school. So, being the daughter, I was instructed to peel a pot of potatos and put it on to boil each night. I hated this. My brother was not instructed to do any kind of housework. I often complained about this, "why me and not him?" this was put down to me being selfish. I would often forget about the potoatos and they'd burn (this is part of the reason I don't cook, I actually burnt a pot of water once).

My mum would often give me a bollocking, 'why don't I help her more?' 'why doesn't it occur to me to do these things?' 'she helped her mother when she was growing up, why can't I?' 'what's wrong with me?'. I don't know why, I don't know why it doesn't occur to me to play the submissive role of the little housewife and provide meals for the men of the house. I don't know why my brain doesn't work that way, it just doesn't.

They tell me that I'm selfish, but I don't think I am. I take into account the comfort and feelings of other people all the time. I take into account their comfort and feelings when it comes to transitioning. Is it selfish that I force myself to live my life 'with the sound turned down' to try and make them more comfortable? They don't see how much I am supressing my true self for them. Because I'm wrong and their right, I'm selfish and their not.

It's not selfish of them to constantly try to force me to change myself, to put pressure on me to do things that I don't want to, to refuse to accept that I'm not a liar, to refuse to take my feelings into consideration, to treat me like a 2nd class citizen, to talk to me like I'm either mentally retarded or a piece of shit. No, it's not selfish at all, is it?

The Sandyford

2009-12-14T13:47:00.000-08:00

I had the opportunity to visit the clinic in Glasgow that deals with transgender treatment, it's one of only two in Scotland. My friend who moved back to Glasgow, had been having some abdominal pains and was concerned it was related to his hormone treatment. They didn't think it was anything too serious. However, it was a bit of an eye opener for me. It made it seem so much more real, I was in the clinic that I'd only ever read about and was talking to a real life doctor who was well versed in matters of transgenderism (the clinic is called The Sandyford).

I was very impressed with the attitude of the doctor, he seemed genuinely interested, not at all dismissive or critical, he was happy to answer questions and discuss things. I had a hundred questions in my head I could have asked him, but it was my friend's appointment! He had a gynecologist come in and consult with him, who was also brilliant. It made me feel alot more comfortable about coming to the clinc in future myself.

During the appointment, my friend had refered to me as 'he', and at one point the doctor had asked my name, at the time I had given my birth name (which in Scotland is traditionally a boy's name but has been more popularly used as a girl's name in recent years) but he didn't question this. As I've said before my options right now for passing are somewhat limited, but I think he just assumed that I was also transgendered. At the end of the appointment, I had asked him where the bathroom was, and he directed me to the men's toilets, it was nice to have someone direct me to the men's room without the usual awkwardness.

On a side note, I've just ordered my first proper binder! It's the M1300 from T-Kingdom, with shipping included it was just under £35. Not a bad price for what a friend has recommended as being a good binder. I don't expect I'll see it before the new year though with the christmas post. But that's ok, I've waited this long, what's a few more weeks?

Father of The Bride

2009-12-12T11:58:00.000-08:00

I'm watching Father of The Bride, it's one of my dad's favourite films. I wonder if it's because it's how he would have liked me to turn out. When I watch the film, I can't help but feel a pang of jelousy, the girl in the film, Annie, has such a great relationship with her father. Although I don't want to have a father/daughter relationship with my dad, I'd still have liked to have had a relationship with him.

My dad isn't a normal guy. He's not into normal guy stuff. He doesn't drink or smoke, he doesn't go to the pub, he doesn't play or have an active interest in any sports, he doesn't have any hobbies or interests that I could engage in with him. As I've said before, he's a minister of religion, this seems to be the only thing he has an active interest in. That and Fraiser.

Any time I try to engage him in conversation, regardless of the subject, he doesn't reciprocate. He will just look at me and nod his head 'till I stop talking. He never talks to me about things unless there's a motive. For example, he will ask me about the progress of the sale of my flat, not out of curiosity, but concern from a financial standpoint (they're helping me out financially while I'm trying to find full time work). The rest of the time he approaches me in an aggressive manner, to either give me a bollocking, an order or to insult me.

When I see how he is with my brother, it really is the complete opposite to how he is with me. He has all the time in the world for him, he would sit and talk with him about the various dramatic goings on at my brother's work, how his thai boxing classes were going, his friends, normal things that you talk about with your family. But then, my brother is the blue eyed boy, he's turned out alright, got the degree, the good job, the nice car, the fiance. The other day I overheard him on the phone with my brother, he was telling my dad about the BJJ classes he's attending now, I heard my dad say "you don't need to tell me that to make me proud of you". He never says he's proud of me. But then, what have I done for him to be proud of?

So, I've pretty much given up trying to have any kind of a relationship with him, which hurts me.

I wouldn't say my dad has been much of a role model to me, if anything, I'd say he's been an example of how not to be. I can't honestly bring to mind anything that he's taught me to do, simple things, like car maintenence or small scale home DIY. For a minister, he hasn't been a very good teacher. Now, I like to think that I'm quite knowledgeable and practical. I can do most things, practical things, like changing a wheel on a car, or tuning in a TV, or putting up shelves. But all of these things, I've had to figure out myself, I didn't have a dad that was willing to 'take me under his wing' and show me these things.

As a child, he didn't spend much time playing with us, we didn't have alot of money when we were growing up so days out were rare, but we didn't notice as kids. But still, you don't need to spend money to spend time with your kids.

I've never really had someone that I looked up to, I've never really had a strong alpha male role model that I could emulate and learn from. Which makes me wonder how I've managed to become the person that I am, why I have the values and principles that I do, why I am who I am. The expression 'self made man' comes to mind, it would seem that it applies on more than one level.

I almost want to say 'when I grow up I want to be...', even though I'm 27, I still feel like I'm waiting for my adult life to really start. I want to settle down one day, I want to start a family of my own, I want to have kids, I want to be married, I want to be the father of he bride one day. I want to provide a home for my family, safety and security, a happy family, to worry about the kids when they're out late, to take them to the gym with me, to the kids classes and get them involved in a sport, to spend days out with them, to be everything to them that my dad wasn't to me.

I want my life to begin already!

Goodness knows I've got alot of catching up to do...

FTM UK & The T Word

2009-12-12T11:49:00.000-08:00

FTM UK
FTM UK on YouTube
The T Word
The T Word on YouTube

XY or XL?

2009-12-05T05:43:00.000-08:00

The other night I was talking with my friend, the guy who moved back to Glasgow. He told me about the various tests that can be done to see if your XX or XY. This kinda got me thinking again. I wonder if there is some kind of biological indicator for me to say that there's something 'wrong'.

I took a test once, when I was a student, it was a psychology test to determine the type of brain I had, male type or female type. Funnily enough, it told me I have a male type brain.

As I'm catching up with friends' youtube videos and hearing them describe the changes that their seeing, early on in their transition, within the first 6 to 8 weeks I'd say, I'm realising that alot of those changes have already happened to me. I'm hairy in places females wouldn't normally be (the backs of my hands and fingers for example), in my teens I had the uncomfortable feeling in my throat and a cracked voice before it dropped (I'd call this my voice breaking but others have disagreed), the muscles in my arms and shoulders bulked up a bit and I noticed veins and tendons becoming more prominent in my forearms, an insatiable hunger (*I* ate all the pies) and other wee things like that.

I'm actually kinda hoping that there is something there that a test will pick up on. Something scientific, something that I can say is proof that I should have been born male, that it's not just all in my head.

Attitudes towards mental health in the UK, Scotland anyway, are somewhat dated. We don't have the same kind of 'therapy culture' that the states does. I have never spoken to a therapist, it's never been suggested to me, I've never had any kind of mental health issues diagnosed, I've never had anyone pick up on my depression. I can remember one time in particular, trying to tell my mum I felt depressed, and she just sort of shrugged it off. I don't believe it was in a callous manner, but just because she really cannot understand it, she has no concept of these things. Another occassion that comes to mind in my teens, I had tried to tell her that I felt lonely, being single, and was depressed by that. Again, she didn't engage me in the conversation, she didn't know what to say.

I think this is part of the reason why I'm reluctant to come out to my parents. I've never been able to talk about things like this with them in the past. It's always been forced and awkward. As I've mentioned before, my coming out to my parents was quite traumatic. Since then, I think I could count on one hand the number of times my being gay has been mentioned. They have never met any girlfriends, they no nothing about my sex life, not that parents need to know everything, but they know absolutely nothing. They've never asked and I don't particularly want to volunteer the information.

I don't really know where this post is going. It's just a bit of brain leakage I think. It's been a busy couple of weeks and I'm not very articulate today. As my school report card always used to say "must try harder".

FTM UK

2009-12-05T02:51:00.001-08:00

I have decided to make an FTM support forum. I know there's a few online already, but when I googled FTM support groups in Scotland, the results were fairly slim. I couldn't find anything in the Glasgow area specifically. This is something I've always found online, I'm the only brit in a sea of americans. Not that I'm complaining, but it's nice to make contact with someone who lives 10 minutes away instead of 10 hours.

So I made FTM UK, it is a UK based FTM forum, and I specifically put the UK in the title to try and attract fellow brits. However, this is not to say that folks from outside the UK aren't welcome! So this is an open invite to whomever is reading, regardless of how you ID, if your FTM, intersex or even just consider yourself an ally, you're very welcome to come along and say hello.

FTM UK Forum

Them

2009-11-22T05:41:00.000-08:00

I hate them. I despise them. I abhor them. I can't think of a word strong enough to describe my contempt for therm. The wretched monthly slap in the face from mother nature that goes 'YOUR'E STILL A WOMAN!'. I fucking loathe them.

Except for me, it's not always every month, sometimes it's sooner, I long for the day it's never. I suffer with them, not just the wretched indignity of bleeding uncontrollably, the embarrassment and mental anguish, but I get alot of physical pain. The women in my family have always suffered alot with them. I get sickness and diarrhoea, my gut is just completely thrown out of sync, I can't seem to stay warm and I pretty much loose the will to live.

I have absolutely zero desire to be pregnant. The concept is entirely alien to me, I just want these wretched organs gone, I have absolutely no need for them. That's not to say I wouoldn't like a family one day, but even as a child, I knew I would never be pregnant.

Now, when it comes to work, as I've mentioned the kind of work I want to do is a heavy physical job. It's what would typically be catagorised as "man's work". Being female bodied, I'm immediately considered to be at a disadvantage. I have to work against that. So, calling in sick for a week, every three weeks because it feels like my guts are falling out, is not an option.

Bio guys really have no idea just how lucky they are.

The T Word

2009-11-21T10:19:00.000-08:00

I've been spending alot of time on you tube recently, with there being such a big FTM community on there, I've had alot of catching up to do. One of my friends posted a video about starting a collaborative channel for transguys on there as many of the current collab channels don't have any openings right now.

But this got me thinking, I'm not a big fan of making videos. As I've said before, I find it easier to get my point across in a blog. But in my time online, I haven't seen (not to say there aren't any!) a collaborative blogs for transguys. So I decided to make one.

It's called The T Word, original I know! But this is an invite to whomever is reading to have a look, and if your a transguy, to contribute also. So please do pass on the link to others and help to spread the word a bit.

thetwordblog.blogspot.com
twitter.com/TheTWordBlog

I feel like I'm going to die

2009-11-20T11:27:00.000-08:00

I wanted to keep this separate from the previous entry, I'm sure you all don't mind!

I received in the post today, two Underworks binders that a friend had very kindly sent to me. I had been waiting for them to arrive for about a month (they had travelled across an ocean!), so I was pretty excited when they did arrive. Now I'm pretty big built, my ribs/chest are about 40" around, so when my friend said the size he had ordered (large) was intended to fit someone with a 40" - 44" chest, I thought they would do me fine!

How wrong I was. I barely managed to get the binder over my shoulders, at this point, it bunched up around the top of my ribs and just under my arms. Given that it is incredibly small and doesn't have much elasticity, it immediately started to crush my ribs. This had the unpleasant sensation of imminent death.

I have heard other guys say that they have had similar problems with Underworks and that they have had to modify binders to get them to work. But if they're designs are so small that something designed to fit a 44" chest is basically impossible to get on a 40" chest, I wouldn't recommend them.

Dirty Words

2009-11-20T10:30:00.000-08:00

So, as I'm sure I mentioned before, I'm not in regular work at the moment. I recently got my class 2 entitlement on my driving licence, this means I can drive large goods vehicles (LGV). Now I have worked in the past as a delivery driver, but the majority of my working history is in call centres. My preference really is to work in a driving job, the freedom you have is just wonderful. Now, I'll admit it, I'm biased, I think Scotland is the most beautiful country in the world. So to be paid to spend my days driving around it, to me, really is a dream job.

Call centres on the other hand are about as depressing as you can get. It is absolutely souless work. Stuck in front of a grimy computer in a bland office building, talking to people who don't want to be talking to you, trying to hit unachievable targets, selling something you really don't care about and pretending that you're upbeat and actually give a shit. I hate it. And I mean that in the absolute strongest sense of the word.

I've been looking for driving work lately, although with this recession there's not alot of work going. Also the fact that I haven't had alot of experience in this field of work, means I'm not exactly top pick for the few jobs that are going. So, recently I've started applying to call centres again. I always said I didn't want to go back to call centre work (and I still don't!), but I'm running out of time and options.

So enough of the background! I'll get to the point of my post. I heard back from one of the call centres that had I applied to, they called me and I passed the telephone interview and agreed to attend a further assesment. The email that I received with the confirmation had the following line;

Please note that the dress code is formal business wear.

Formal business wear. Three words I absolutely dread. Formal business wear means suit and tie. Now, as I've not yet begun my transition, I can't realistically go into a job as a female wearing unmistakably male clothing. This is something that has always been a problem for me in the past, it's something that has always held me back. I cannot bring myself to wear female clothing, I just cannot do it. It goes so against the grain of my being that I just cannot do it. So I've always worked in places that either supply a set uniform or have a casual dress code. This generally means that it's dead end jobs, no real prospects. Nothing that could really be called a career move.

So because of this, I had to cancel the assesment. When I was telling my parents about my descion and explaining the dress code to my father, I used the term 'suit and tie'. He replied with "well suit and tie isn't female formal business wear". Even though I know that he is unaware of my situation, it's still like a sledgehammer to the gut when someone says something like that to me.

My brother is due to be married in March 2010, now I'm very happy for him, he pretty much has it all sorted. I must admit I am very envious of him and the life he has had and the life that awaits him. The reason I bring this up is that my mother has begun dropping hints that she wants me to buy an outfit for his wedding. Now in her mind, she knows I'm "not girly" and that I won't wear a dress, so she wants me to get something like a trouser suit.

We've been here before. I have spent hours being dragged around various shops looking for an outfit to wear for a wedding/graduation/funeral/some formal occassion. As a teenager, I would actually end up having panic attacks in store while being subjected to this. Needless to say, it's not something I would care to repeat.

The thing with my mother is, she is very concered about how people perceive her and us as a family. I think she likes to have this notion of being a perfect family, happily married, 1 boy, 1 girl, 1 cat. She has often told me that my appearance is not acceptable, that I should make more of an effort to be attractive and take a pride in my appearence, as it reflects poorly on her. And this is what she's concerned about come the wedding. Am I going to turn up looking like a misfit and embaress her again?

On a side note, I remember quite specifically for her graduation, I had been made to get a trouser suit and after many hours we had found a pair of ladies shoes that sort of fitted me. They were too small really and fantastically uncomfortable. At that time (I'm not really up to speed on women's shoes nowadays) women's shoes were made to around a size 8. I take a men's size 9 or 10, so you can see the problems I had. So for the duration of the day, I was very uncomfortable in terms of poorly fitting clothes and that I was being made to wear girl's clothes. I don't really want to repeat that at my brother's wedding. As I keep telling her, it's not her big day and it's not my big day. No one's gonna be looking at me!

I'll try and bring this to a conclusion and share my thoughts a bit. I have never really taken 'a pride in my appearence'. I have never really tried to make myself attractive. All I wanted to do for years was disappear and not be noticed. Why would I want to make myself noticeable? I hated the body I was in, I didn't want to appear feminine, I didn't want to even exist. But now, with the prospect of actually transitioning, I'm starting to have a different point of view on the matter. I do want to be smartly dressed and appear attractive and look after myself. But I want to do it as a man!

I am butch, hear me blog!

2009-11-16T07:31:00.000-08:00

I hadn't planned on making another entry so soon after my last one, but I'm playing catch up with my friend's you tube videos and one such video reignited a train of thought.

I have been spending time on twitter, and through there I have found a number of butch lesbian resources. I remember when I identified as a lesbian, there was so few websites online that really catered to us. The particular site I found was called Butch Voices, the front page has the following;

We are Butch Voices

We are woman-identified Butches. We are trans-masculine Studs. We are faggot-identified Aggressives. We are noun Butches, adjective Studs and pronoun-shunning Aggressives. We are she, he, hy, ze, zie and hir. We are you, and we are me. The point is, we don’t decide who is Butch, Stud or Aggressive. You get to decide for yourself.

This got me thinking. When I moved from identifiying as a lesbian to identifying as an FTM, I left behind the butch tag too. It didn't occur to me at the time that I could be FTM and butch at the same time. On clicking the link to this site, I assumed it was aimed at butch lesbians and that it would not directly appeal to me. That the butch lebsians are one camp and the FTMs another, and they don't mix well. But on reading that statement, it made me realise, my masculinity is not defined by the fact that I'm FTM.

I am both FTM and Butch.

In my friend's video, he talks about not wanting to be defined as either male or female, about the fact that he liked wearing make up, that he doesn't want to wear boy jeans, that he wants to be androgynous. I also watched an interview with an FTM, who talks about being a rather camp and effeminate gay man (I will try and find out their name!), and how they were also confused by this.

In the cisgendered community, there is varying levels of masculinity in bio males. Why should we be any different? Why should an FTM be considered any less male than any other FTM? We are all individuals, the level of our masculinity should not mean that we are excluded from the queer community. The beauty of our community is the uniqueness of the members and the fact that we accept each other for that individuality. No one should ever feel they are not 'butch enough'.

Transgendered Blah
Transgendered Blah Part 2

Nature vs Nurture - Round 1

2009-11-16T06:14:00.000-08:00

So I've been doing some thinking, a dangerous prospect I know(!). But on the matter of being transgendered, and why does it happen. I'm a christian, I believe that we have a soul, and that which we call gender ties in with your soul. That at the point of conception, the soul makes contact with the foetus, and that your soul has a predetermined gender and that's what you grow into, a girl or a boy.

I know alot of people don't believe that gender is just black and white, male and female, but I do. As I said, I'm a christian, I believe that God made man and woman, those two types, the masculine and the feminine and that they should come together to make a whole, to be yin to the other's yang.

Now most folks are fortunate enough that during their development, their body develops in-line with their gender, and everything turns out ok. But I did wonder, as all foetuses start out as female (and I believe it's around 8 weeks that the foetus will then either develop into a male or a female), if the problem lies there. What if I didn't get enough testosterone in the womb? What if the MTF girls got too much? What if it is really as simple as a matter of biology?

I couldn't blame my upbringing for making me this way, nothing about my childhood influenced me to be male, infact, quite the opposite. I was forever turned out in dresses and pretty outfits, given dolls to play with, the typical girly upbringing. Yet despite all those outside influences, I still wanted to play with my brother's GI Joe, not the Rainbow Sprite that was left gathering dust in the corner. During my awkward teenage years, when all the girls were becoming young women and developing an interest in things of a feminine nature, I was turning into the Humpback of Notre Dame, because I wanted to be masculine, but that wasn't allowed, so I was forced to try and find some kind of middle line that equated to being looked upon as a freak.

Which leads me to discount nurture as the cause of this. There are so many medical birth defects that can occur, who's to say that this isn't just another? I guess the problem is that it's not something that can be diagnosed with a physical examination or a blood test. It's something only that person will be able to determine and over a number of years.

It's just something thats been swirling around in my mind these last couple of days. I honestly do not believe that being transgendered is a mental health issue. I believe it really is just a matter of biology.

On a side note, I made a you tube account. There's such a big trans community on there, I thought it was about time I got involved. I don't plan on uploading any videos just now. I think I'll use it to record my transition once I actually start T, to record physical changes and things. I will still use this blog for thoughts and ramblings. I like being able to articulate myself and say exactly what I want to say and change some thing if I don't like it. I can be more concise here than staring at a camera and saying "um" for 10 minutes.

So... um.... yknow.... add me!

www.youtube.com/user/becomingkeltik

Bear with me here...

2009-11-15T01:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, so two posts in two days isn't typical for me, I have a few things in my mind that I want to get out. They're not overly trans oriented, but then pretty much every thought I have nowadays has a tie to being transgendered, and it's my blog, so I can post about it!

I'm in a relatively positive frame of mind right now. I've just watched the event UFC 105 and I'm currently watching the latest episode of The Ultimate Fighter. I'm a big MMA (mixed martial arts) fan. So much so that I actually train in the sport, and have been for about a year and a half now. During my years of being bullied, I had pretty much become a recluse. I comfort/boredom ate, and I gained alot of weight. At my heaviest I was about 20 stone (280lbs), although fortunately with my build I never looked as bad as that sounds. But with attending the gym and trying to improve my diet, I've come down to about 17 stone (240lbs), which im pleased with, but I would still like to loose another 3 or 4 stone (about 40lbs).

I'll explain a little about the gym also. It's such a big part of my life now, I have made friends there and it has given me a social outlet and a hobby where previously there was none. When I joined, there was no other 'girls' training. I was the only one, however I never at any point was made to feel unwelcome or any different to any of the guys. After having spent so many years being bullied, I now have an attitude of 'not taking shit from anyone', I am able to appear confident and outgoing, which I believe has helped me to be accepted. The gym policy is also one of mutual respect for all. Anyone showing disrespect is swiftly dealt with.

I train along side the guys, I lift the same weights as they do, I perform the same excersices (although some out of sheer poor fitness I am unable to, but I'm working on that!), I attend the same classes and I learn the same techniques. I spar with the guys, work pads with the guys, I'm basically accepted and treated as one of the guys.

Although recently due to financial issues I have not been able to afford to attend the classes, and I am sorely missing them! I'm currently not working, which in itself is very depressing. Due to my lack of income, I'm now selling my flat, however in today's market, that's taking a little longer than I'd like. So in an effort to save money and leave my flat in viewable condition, I've been living in my parents' spare room. They've also agreed to take in my cat as the address I plan to move to currently houses a dog, and they just wouldn't get along.

So, being at home again is difficult, there is a return to previous attitudes and behaviours, which don't help my situation, only worsen it. It's depressing enough as it is to find work during a recession, without having constant pressure and stress applied at home.

So the property I'm moving to is my gran's 3 bed house. She passed away a couple of years ago, leaving my two uncles who lived with her. Once she passed, one of my uncles moved out, the other stayed. The unce who stayed, that I plan to move in with, doesn't work. He's an alcoholic and has health issues relating to that. He's kinda old school, but he's cool. He spent time with us as kids and we always got on well, so he was happy to take me in now. He asked me recently, just kinda off the cuff, if I was gay. As the official stance is telling none of my family im trans, I told him yes. I think he was a little surprised but after a minute make a joke encouraging me to bring girlfriends home for him to meet.

I'm looking forward to getting moved in and settled down. There's alot of happy memories for me at that house. At my flat, I'm not at all familiar with the area. The same is true of my parent's house. I didn't go to school here, I don't have childhood friends from the area, I've never explored the area like you do as a kid with friends. I don't really feel like I'm 'home' here. But I know the area my gran's house is in, I don't have the same uncertainty as I do here. There are things of interest there for me that are within walking or biking distance. I have family close by there too. I'm not as isolated or have same need for a car living there.

So, it seems like I'm going off on a tangent here, but I'm coming to a point! I'm looking forward to selling up, being free of a financial burden, being able to move out and be settled and having the burden of my parents greatly reduced, to being able to focus properly on finding work, to be living in a house that's big enough to house excersice equipment (that my flat was too small for), and having the time and energy to focus on excersice and eating a proper diet instead of cardboard food, and to be able to start working on making my body look how I really want it to look.

Now, if I could just sell that damn flat!

'Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell'

2009-11-14T05:32:00.000-08:00

I think I've neglected this blog long enough, time for an update!

I have been spending some time in a trans oriented room on Stickam (it's called FTM/MTF/Allies). There's alot of transguys on there, and I've found that by spending time with these guys has really boosted my confidence and desire to transition. Previously, having identified as a lesbian, I'd spend time in the company of lesbians. Being in their company, there wasn't the same kind of pro-trans feeling. It wasn't an issue for them, it wasn't something that was regularly or openly discussed, there wasn't the same feeling of 'I want to be like everyone else'. But being in the company of these guys and seeing how they're changing, I can't help but feel envious.

It's also nice being in the company of women (cis and transgendered) who are attracted to transguys. The problem with being in the company of lesbians would be, are they attracted to me as a man or as a woman? It's nice that it's not a hushed secret that will have to surface at some point and be a possible spanner in the works.

I have made the descion to transition. I don't have a realistic timescale for it yet, but I've atleast decided in my mind that I'm going to do it, rather than sitting on the fence. As unhappy as I am currently, there's still a safe, comfortable feeling in the familiar. Change is the one thing I'm absolutely desperate for, yet at the same time, I'm terrified of it.

So I wrote my comming out letter to my parents. It's only really a first draft that I'm sure I'll add to in time, but I feel like its a step forward. I feel like I've made a commitment to actually do this.

A friend I made on the chatroom, has moved back to Glasgow. It's my first real life trans friend, and it's nice to be able to spend time in the company of someone who know what I am, and respects that and is willing to talk openly about it. It's not a dirty subject, or something to be embaressed or scared about. He's offered to help me out, to be a support to me, as well as helping out with things like binders and an STP (stand to pee - a prosthetic). So that's a real big positive for me, it's making this seem so much more real, it's acually happening now. It will be nice to have someone whos going through the same thing, he's about 6 months on T (testosterone) and is noticing changes, it's nice to have someone to share and compare with, as daft as that sounds lol.

On the advice of a friend I've started shaving my face, just to try an encourage some hair growth. I guess I've been pretty lucky, I already have a slight fuzz, a few hairs on my chin and slight tache. So I've been shaving it and I'm getting some stubble now, I feel like I'm 13 years old and getting my first tache lol.

I've decided on a name too. It's a name I've always liked but had never actually considered it for myself. In reality, I doubt I will change my name, my first name that is. I'm fortunate enough to have a name that can be for both male and female. It's traditionally a Scottish male name, although recently it's become more popular as a girl's name, I still have the traditional male spelling. I guess this is for the benefit of friends and family, it will be enough of an upheaval to deal with as it is, atleast they won't have to try and get used to a new name too.

There's a special prize for the first person to name the song that the title of today's blog is taken from!

Introduction

2009-10-23T04:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know how much I'll use this journal, I don't know if I will ever be able to begin to transition. I made this account as a record of trans related stuff. The kind of thing I wouldn't really put in my regular journal. I may make this public, I may not, I don't know yet. But incase I do make it public, here's a little background on me.

I'm 27 years old, I was born in Glasgow, Scotland and have lived in Scotland all my life. I call myself FTM, but to be fair, I am transgendered, I have not started hormones and I have not had surgery, although I would like to one day. I am about 5'10", and I have been quite lucky in that I don't have a typically female build, my voice is also quite low and I often pass without effort. I have lived with both my parents until the age of 25, they never split or divorced. I have one younger brother, who also lived with us. My parents are religious, my dad is a baptist minister, and they are both quite traditional in their values, and generally quite stoic when it comes to feelings and emotions. Sex was almost never mentioned in the family, I had the 'birds and bees' talk when I was very young, I guess they wanted to get it out the way early on.

Around the age of 13, I kinda figured out that I was gay. I liked girls, and someone had told us that there was such a thing as being gay, so I put 2 and 2 together, and got 3 and a half. It seemed right, but not quite. Shortly after I figured this out, I was forced to come out to my mother by my father. That was pretty traumatic, I remember standing in the corner of the hall, crying, and him shouting at me, demanding to know why I didn't dress more like a girl.

Now, at this time, I was being bullied quite badly. The bullying went on for pretty much the whole 6 years we lived at that address, both at school at my house. I remember one occasion, early on, when I had had an altercation with the 'lead bully' (who lived 2 doors away), my dad shouting at me, and asking me 'what had I done to cause him to act like that with me? because I have a habit of rubbing people up the wrong way'. This is typical of the attitude my dad has towards me.

So, after a while, I can't remember how long, my mother interviened and spoke to me in my room. I somehow managed to get out the confession to her that I thought I was gay. This ofcourse broke her heart, she started crying, and I asked her not to tell my dad. She agreed and said she would tell him that I had agreed to make more of an effort to be more feminine.

The type of bullying I received was based largely on my physical appearence. I was not feminine, I worse trousers instead of a skirt, I was awkward and perceived as being gay. The school didn't do alot to help. I believe my dad wrote some letters to the head teacher, I think they offered to move me from my class, but that would have meant leaving the few friends I did have. Altogether, it was a really shitty time for me. We moved to that address around age 10, and left around age 16. So I spent my puberty going through the hell of being bullied.

Around the age of 18, my dad caught me on gay.com, he again had me cornered and forced me to tell him why I was on that site. He actually gave me a hug this time, and told me that they would still love me. This is a pretty rare moment of affection from him. I remember a couple of years after, again being trapped by him (now when I say trapped, I don't mean being held physcially, I mean being told not to move and being verbally attacked) and being told that he 'didn't care what I thought I was, I was not going to be allowed to hurt my mother any more by dressing as I did'.

I have never gotten along with my father, he is very stubborn, very stoic, very much the authority figure. He is a control freak, and doesn't trust me at all. As a child, we would be 'smacked', this continued into my teenage years, although it wasn't like a slap on the back of the legs, it would be a full throttle rage, being slapped around the head and body. I remember a number of occasions, my mum and brother interviening. The problem is, I am also very stubborn, and I refuse absolutely to give in to him. My mum describes us as 'two bulls going head to head'.

That's a fairly breif version of an introduction, and a start at explaining some of my family influence and experience and an insight into why I may never transition.