Endless questions

I made a post the other day about cramp pains and problems, a friend made a suggestion that it may be endometriosis. Having never heard of this before, I wiki'd it and was both relieved and worried by what I read. The symptoms that it lists, I have quite a few of them.

One of the things that it mentioned was needing to urinate frequently, this is something I've had since I was a kid. As a kid, my mum took me to the doctor who said I had a 'weak bladder'. Now I'm wondering if that wasn't the case after all.

In my last job, my boss regularly made snidey comments about the fact that I was frequently visiting the toilet, he thought I was just skiving, but considering I did more work than any one else in the team (including him) despite the toilet breaks, I don't see why he had reason to complain. This was actually a contributing factor to me leaving his team and moving departments, which then went belly up (also due to a toilet breaks issue) and I ended up quitting the place altogether. It actually quite angers me to think that I put up with all that bullshit and subsequent hardship because of something that may yet turn out to be a genuine medical condition.

In the same vein, it also annoys me to think of the number of times my mother has given me a hard time about not wanting to do anything when I do get cramps, or being given a bunch of pain pills and sent off to work or school, feeling utterly miserable and in pain.

Now my dilema is diagnosis and treatment. I do not plan to start transitioning while living in my parent's house. However, one treatment for this is a hystorectomy, another is progesterone, both parts of FTM treatments. My concern is, if I go to my doctor and am diagnosed with this, what would they do? Could I ask for a hysto? If so, would I need to start HRT after? Would they start me on E? Would my body produce enough T to keep me healthy naturally? How would I explain to my parents that I chose a radical hysto over pain meds?

Another problem is that I can't afford time off work to recover from a hysto while I'm trying to sell my flat, I'd need to wait untill that's all finished and I'm in a better position financially. But what if I start a job and a month later, I'm off work for several weeks recovering from surgery?

Or do I just keep suffering it? For the sake of keeping everyone else comfortable?

Why am I constantly confronted with this question?

Why can't I just be selfish about it?

Why can't I just catch a fucking break for once...?

You don't know jack

My mother can be such a cold heartless bitch at times. My parents have this work ethic which quite frankly borders on ridiculous. You go to work/school even if you're sick, unless it's something like a broken bone or swine flu, you go to work. You made a commitment to that establishment and you have to uphold it, even at the detriment of your own health and potentially those around you. My mother actually cracked a rib (she fell off a foot stool and hit her back on the kitchen worktop) and still insisted she was going to work, the doctor, my brother and I all told her otherwise.

My mother is a civil servant, she works for the government, this means she has alot of protection in her job, she won't be fired just because her boss doesnt like her. She was a house wife when we were growing up, so this is like her first career job which shes been in for about 12 years now. As I've mentioned before, my dad is a minister, he has been for almost the entirety of his working life. He had small jobs when he was a student, but for the last 30 odd years, he's worked in churches.

So neither of them really have any concept of what it's like to work for a commercial business. They've never been fired from a job to take the blame for their boss' mistake. They've never been fired because the boss doesn't like them. They've never had their wages messed around with. They've never been 'just a number' which some guy behind a desk in London could score a line through their name and they'd be out of a job. I have. I have experienced the 'real world' of work in today's society. I've worked for companies that do not give a fuck about you or your safety or your wellbeing in the workplace. I have been just another number.

So why should I have any great loyalty to a business that holds no great loyalty to me? I don't, I value my health and well being above company profits. And it's for this reason, I don't have the same retarded work ethics that my parents do. If I am genuinely sick, I'm staying in bed until I'm better.

My parents of course disagree with this and as you may have noticed, aren't shy about voicing their opinions to me. So when I'm lying in bed with real pain, real sickness and diarrhoea, real discomfort, I don't apprecite being bollocked for not getting up and being a productive member of society, or not going to work.

My mother came in today, from her work and gave me a row for being up all night (due to the pain) and making excuses for lying in bed all day. 'I get them too, I know what it's like and I'm fed up of your excuses'. I find it incredible that this women knows exactly what I'm experiencing physically. Another favourite is when she tells me that she also knows what I'm thinking and feeling.

She has no fucking idea just how wrong she is.

One hysto to go please

I'm surprising myself that I'm posting about this again. This is normally a subject that I don't talk about openly, it's quite an embarassing subject for me. I guess because of my dysphoria, y'know the more I think about it, the more I realise how many things in my life it's affected. I can't even buy myself sanitary products, I'm far too embarassed about it all.

I'm posting about cramps again. I guess it's as much for myself to have a record of these things. Its been about 6 weeks since last time, this for me isn't unsual. Sometimes it can be 3 weeks sometimes 6. The unpredictability is quite irritating, I don't know when to expect it, just out of the blue they'll start and within hours I'm in alot of pain.

Considering it's something that I've always been too embarased to speak about, I don't really have other people's experiences to compare with. I don't know how normal mine are. Remembering years back to the talk we got in school about these things, the description we were given then isn't what I'm getting now. I get alot of pain, it fucks up my guts, it lasts for about a week, I don't get all emotional or hormonal or anything, but the whole thing angers and depresses me. Is this normal?

Y'know what, I'd like to put that as a question to all the biologically female bodied readers who have experienced cramps. What's your experience? Is mine normal? Please comment, even if it's anonymously. Thanks.

The Every-Transguys-Worst-Nightmare Test

There's a new campaign encouraging transguys to get pap or smear tests. In the UK, when you reach a certain age, I think 16, the NHS start sending you letters every year, with an advice note, asking you to book a test with your doctor. Mine have always went straight in the bin.

I will never willingly have a smear test. I know all the health benefits and I agree that the test is a good thing, but as a transgendered person, I will not do it. Shitty attitude, right? I should be looking after my health, huh? I know I should, but I could never bring myself to let someone do that to me. To let someone put something, anything, inside me would go against every grain of my being. I could not physically bring myself to do it. My dysphoria is so bad, I would rather run the risk of cancer, than let a doctor examine me.

In all likelihood I will at some point in my life have cancer. I have lost a number of family members recently to cancer. I believe the statistic is that 1 in 3 people will have cancer at some point. Statistically, I will probably die young from cancer.

My 'plumbing' in this area is kinda fucked up already. I don't get regular periods, sometimes its a 2 or 3 week break, sometimes its 5 or 6 weeks. It's always very sore and heavy and lasts about a week. It's not something I've discussed alot, but I've kinda picked up here and there that it's not really 'normal'. As far as I'm concerned, the sooner these wretched organs are ripped out, the better.

Them

I hate them. I despise them. I abhor them. I can't think of a word strong enough to describe my contempt for therm. The wretched monthly slap in the face from mother nature that goes 'YOUR'E STILL A WOMAN!'. I fucking loathe them.

Except for me, it's not always every month, sometimes it's sooner, I long for the day it's never. I suffer with them, not just the wretched indignity of bleeding uncontrollably, the embarrassment and mental anguish, but I get alot of physical pain. The women in my family have always suffered alot with them. I get sickness and diarrhoea, my gut is just completely thrown out of sync, I can't seem to stay warm and I pretty much loose the will to live.

I have absolutely zero desire to be pregnant. The concept is entirely alien to me, I just want these wretched organs gone, I have absolutely no need for them. That's not to say I wouoldn't like a family one day, but even as a child, I knew I would never be pregnant.

Now, when it comes to work, as I've mentioned the kind of work I want to do is a heavy physical job. It's what would typically be catagorised as "man's work". Being female bodied, I'm immediately considered to be at a disadvantage. I have to work against that. So, calling in sick for a week, every three weeks because it feels like my guts are falling out, is not an option.

Bio guys really have no idea just how lucky they are.