FTM UK - Role Models

I expected a bit more results with this topic, I thought we would all have role models growing up, people we idolised and wanted to be like, maybe it's just me? I'm a big movie fan, I always have been, and I think I've learned a lot from films. Watching how the male characters acted, especially in old films, we watched alot of old films as kids. I think seeing those strong, alpha male, gentlemen characters had a profound influence on me. That's what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I was always a big child, now I don't mean fat, but tall and well built and strong, it's traits that run in my family. But I also tended to identify with male characters who also had these characteristics. The same applied to computer games, with this outlet, I could go some way to express myself. One childhood favourite was Streets of Rage 2. I always went the big wrestler guy, Max.



And as games become more sophisticated and you could customise your characters, I would always go for the big guy. Tall, strong, muscular, everything I wanted to be. But it wasn't just films and games that I had these role models, there was TV too. One program that really sticks in my mind was a TV adaptation of Beauty and the Beast, with Ron Pearlman and Linda Hamilton (some of the older readers should remember!).



I guess this kinda appealed to me as I never really felt 'right', there was something different about me too. Another favourite as a child was a kids' program called 'Round the Bend', I absolutely loved this program, and the main character, Doc Croc, I thought he was brilliant. I think my sarcastic sense of humor was shaped from an early age by the Spitting Image guys.



I don't think I could really say that I had a real life role model that I looked up to. I wouldn't call my dad a role model, we don't really have anything in common to allow us to have a proper close relationship and he's not really one for passing on the things he knows. Pretty much whatever I've learned has been my own doing.

Lacking a proper male role model, I've had to kinda figure a lot of things out myself that normally your father or grandfather would have passed on to male children, fortunately a friend of mine pointed me in the direction of The Art of Manliness, which I've found to be very interesting and quite inspiring. I've still got alot of reading to do on the site, but I think it's going to be quite the influence on me.

The channel's videos -

Endless questions

I made a post the other day about cramp pains and problems, a friend made a suggestion that it may be endometriosis. Having never heard of this before, I wiki'd it and was both relieved and worried by what I read. The symptoms that it lists, I have quite a few of them.

One of the things that it mentioned was needing to urinate frequently, this is something I've had since I was a kid. As a kid, my mum took me to the doctor who said I had a 'weak bladder'. Now I'm wondering if that wasn't the case after all.

In my last job, my boss regularly made snidey comments about the fact that I was frequently visiting the toilet, he thought I was just skiving, but considering I did more work than any one else in the team (including him) despite the toilet breaks, I don't see why he had reason to complain. This was actually a contributing factor to me leaving his team and moving departments, which then went belly up (also due to a toilet breaks issue) and I ended up quitting the place altogether. It actually quite angers me to think that I put up with all that bullshit and subsequent hardship because of something that may yet turn out to be a genuine medical condition.

In the same vein, it also annoys me to think of the number of times my mother has given me a hard time about not wanting to do anything when I do get cramps, or being given a bunch of pain pills and sent off to work or school, feeling utterly miserable and in pain.

Now my dilema is diagnosis and treatment. I do not plan to start transitioning while living in my parent's house. However, one treatment for this is a hystorectomy, another is progesterone, both parts of FTM treatments. My concern is, if I go to my doctor and am diagnosed with this, what would they do? Could I ask for a hysto? If so, would I need to start HRT after? Would they start me on E? Would my body produce enough T to keep me healthy naturally? How would I explain to my parents that I chose a radical hysto over pain meds?

Another problem is that I can't afford time off work to recover from a hysto while I'm trying to sell my flat, I'd need to wait untill that's all finished and I'm in a better position financially. But what if I start a job and a month later, I'm off work for several weeks recovering from surgery?

Or do I just keep suffering it? For the sake of keeping everyone else comfortable?

Why am I constantly confronted with this question?

Why can't I just be selfish about it?

Why can't I just catch a fucking break for once...?

You don't know jack

My mother can be such a cold heartless bitch at times. My parents have this work ethic which quite frankly borders on ridiculous. You go to work/school even if you're sick, unless it's something like a broken bone or swine flu, you go to work. You made a commitment to that establishment and you have to uphold it, even at the detriment of your own health and potentially those around you. My mother actually cracked a rib (she fell off a foot stool and hit her back on the kitchen worktop) and still insisted she was going to work, the doctor, my brother and I all told her otherwise.

My mother is a civil servant, she works for the government, this means she has alot of protection in her job, she won't be fired just because her boss doesnt like her. She was a house wife when we were growing up, so this is like her first career job which shes been in for about 12 years now. As I've mentioned before, my dad is a minister, he has been for almost the entirety of his working life. He had small jobs when he was a student, but for the last 30 odd years, he's worked in churches.

So neither of them really have any concept of what it's like to work for a commercial business. They've never been fired from a job to take the blame for their boss' mistake. They've never been fired because the boss doesn't like them. They've never had their wages messed around with. They've never been 'just a number' which some guy behind a desk in London could score a line through their name and they'd be out of a job. I have. I have experienced the 'real world' of work in today's society. I've worked for companies that do not give a fuck about you or your safety or your wellbeing in the workplace. I have been just another number.

So why should I have any great loyalty to a business that holds no great loyalty to me? I don't, I value my health and well being above company profits. And it's for this reason, I don't have the same retarded work ethics that my parents do. If I am genuinely sick, I'm staying in bed until I'm better.

My parents of course disagree with this and as you may have noticed, aren't shy about voicing their opinions to me. So when I'm lying in bed with real pain, real sickness and diarrhoea, real discomfort, I don't apprecite being bollocked for not getting up and being a productive member of society, or not going to work.

My mother came in today, from her work and gave me a row for being up all night (due to the pain) and making excuses for lying in bed all day. 'I get them too, I know what it's like and I'm fed up of your excuses'. I find it incredible that this women knows exactly what I'm experiencing physically. Another favourite is when she tells me that she also knows what I'm thinking and feeling.

She has no fucking idea just how wrong she is.

Changes

I am what I am. I can't change who or what I am. My brain works a certain way, it's capable of absract thought, planning things, imagining a better life, understanding mechanics, handling vehicles, spatial awareness, there's certain things it does well and there's certain things it doesn't.

I'm not good at cooking, I'm really rather rubbish at it to be honest. I can't think about preparing food, cooking it and providing a meal. I'm not very good at keeping up with the cleaning either, I will literally wear every stitch of clothing I own before I do a washing. It doesn't occur to me to dust down furniture, or wash dishes, or 'help out around the house'.

I was brought up in a very traditional style household. When we were children, my mother was a 'stay at home mum', she didn't work and stayed home to care for us. My mother decided when I was in my early teens to go back to college & university. This meant that she would not be at home when we came home from school. So, being the daughter, I was instructed to peel a pot of potatos and put it on to boil each night. I hated this. My brother was not instructed to do any kind of housework. I often complained about this, "why me and not him?" this was put down to me being selfish. I would often forget about the potoatos and they'd burn (this is part of the reason I don't cook, I actually burnt a pot of water once).

My mum would often give me a bollocking, 'why don't I help her more?' 'why doesn't it occur to me to do these things?' 'she helped her mother when she was growing up, why can't I?' 'what's wrong with me?'. I don't know why, I don't know why it doesn't occur to me to play the submissive role of the little housewife and provide meals for the men of the house. I don't know why my brain doesn't work that way, it just doesn't.

They tell me that I'm selfish, but I don't think I am. I take into account the comfort and feelings of other people all the time. I take into account their comfort and feelings when it comes to transitioning. Is it selfish that I force myself to live my life 'with the sound turned down' to try and make them more comfortable? They don't see how much I am supressing my true self for them. Because I'm wrong and their right, I'm selfish and their not.

It's not selfish of them to constantly try to force me to change myself, to put pressure on me to do things that I don't want to, to refuse to accept that I'm not a liar, to refuse to take my feelings into consideration, to treat me like a 2nd class citizen, to talk to me like I'm either mentally retarded or a piece of shit. No, it's not selfish at all, is it?

Father of The Bride

I'm watching Father of The Bride, it's one of my dad's favourite films. I wonder if it's because it's how he would have liked me to turn out. When I watch the film, I can't help but feel a pang of jelousy, the girl in the film, Annie, has such a great relationship with her father. Although I don't want to have a father/daughter relationship with my dad, I'd still have liked to have had a relationship with him.

My dad isn't a normal guy. He's not into normal guy stuff. He doesn't drink or smoke, he doesn't go to the pub, he doesn't play or have an active interest in any sports, he doesn't have any hobbies or interests that I could engage in with him. As I've said before, he's a minister of religion, this seems to be the only thing he has an active interest in. That and Fraiser.

Any time I try to engage him in conversation, regardless of the subject, he doesn't reciprocate. He will just look at me and nod his head 'till I stop talking. He never talks to me about things unless there's a motive. For example, he will ask me about the progress of the sale of my flat, not out of curiosity, but concern from a financial standpoint (they're helping me out financially while I'm trying to find full time work). The rest of the time he approaches me in an aggressive manner, to either give me a bollocking, an order or to insult me.

When I see how he is with my brother, it really is the complete opposite to how he is with me. He has all the time in the world for him, he would sit and talk with him about the various dramatic goings on at my brother's work, how his thai boxing classes were going, his friends, normal things that you talk about with your family. But then, my brother is the blue eyed boy, he's turned out alright, got the degree, the good job, the nice car, the fiance. The other day I overheard him on the phone with my brother, he was telling my dad about the BJJ classes he's attending now, I heard my dad say "you don't need to tell me that to make me proud of you". He never says he's proud of me. But then, what have I done for him to be proud of?

So, I've pretty much given up trying to have any kind of a relationship with him, which hurts me.

I wouldn't say my dad has been much of a role model to me, if anything, I'd say he's been an example of how not to be. I can't honestly bring to mind anything that he's taught me to do, simple things, like car maintenence or small scale home DIY. For a minister, he hasn't been a very good teacher. Now, I like to think that I'm quite knowledgeable and practical. I can do most things, practical things, like changing a wheel on a car, or tuning in a TV, or putting up shelves. But all of these things, I've had to figure out myself, I didn't have a dad that was willing to 'take me under his wing' and show me these things.

As a child, he didn't spend much time playing with us, we didn't have alot of money when we were growing up so days out were rare, but we didn't notice as kids. But still, you don't need to spend money to spend time with your kids.

I've never really had someone that I looked up to, I've never really had a strong alpha male role model that I could emulate and learn from. Which makes me wonder how I've managed to become the person that I am, why I have the values and principles that I do, why I am who I am. The expression 'self made man' comes to mind, it would seem that it applies on more than one level.

I almost want to say 'when I grow up I want to be...', even though I'm 27, I still feel like I'm waiting for my adult life to really start. I want to settle down one day, I want to start a family of my own, I want to have kids, I want to be married, I want to be the father of he bride one day. I want to provide a home for my family, safety and security, a happy family, to worry about the kids when they're out late, to take them to the gym with me, to the kids classes and get them involved in a sport, to spend days out with them, to be everything to them that my dad wasn't to me.

I want my life to begin already!

Goodness knows I've got alot of catching up to do...

XY or XL?

The other night I was talking with my friend, the guy who moved back to Glasgow. He told me about the various tests that can be done to see if your XX or XY. This kinda got me thinking again. I wonder if there is some kind of biological indicator for me to say that there's something 'wrong'.

I took a test once, when I was a student, it was a psychology test to determine the type of brain I had, male type or female type. Funnily enough, it told me I have a male type brain.

As I'm catching up with friends' youtube videos and hearing them describe the changes that their seeing, early on in their transition, within the first 6 to 8 weeks I'd say, I'm realising that alot of those changes have already happened to me. I'm hairy in places females wouldn't normally be (the backs of my hands and fingers for example), in my teens I had the uncomfortable feeling in my throat and a cracked voice before it dropped (I'd call this my voice breaking but others have disagreed), the muscles in my arms and shoulders bulked up a bit and I noticed veins and tendons becoming more prominent in my forearms, an insatiable hunger (*I* ate all the pies) and other wee things like that.

I'm actually kinda hoping that there is something there that a test will pick up on. Something scientific, something that I can say is proof that I should have been born male, that it's not just all in my head.

Attitudes towards mental health in the UK, Scotland anyway, are somewhat dated. We don't have the same kind of 'therapy culture' that the states does. I have never spoken to a therapist, it's never been suggested to me, I've never had any kind of mental health issues diagnosed, I've never had anyone pick up on my depression. I can remember one time in particular, trying to tell my mum I felt depressed, and she just sort of shrugged it off. I don't believe it was in a callous manner, but just because she really cannot understand it, she has no concept of these things. Another occassion that comes to mind in my teens, I had tried to tell her that I felt lonely, being single, and was depressed by that. Again, she didn't engage me in the conversation, she didn't know what to say.

I think this is part of the reason why I'm reluctant to come out to my parents. I've never been able to talk about things like this with them in the past. It's always been forced and awkward. As I've mentioned before, my coming out to my parents was quite traumatic. Since then, I think I could count on one hand the number of times my being gay has been mentioned. They have never met any girlfriends, they no nothing about my sex life, not that parents need to know everything, but they know absolutely nothing. They've never asked and I don't particularly want to volunteer the information.

I don't really know where this post is going. It's just a bit of brain leakage I think. It's been a busy couple of weeks and I'm not very articulate today. As my school report card always used to say "must try harder".