Introduction

I don't know how much I'll use this journal, I don't know if I will ever be able to begin to transition. I made this account as a record of trans related stuff. The kind of thing I wouldn't really put in my regular journal. I may make this public, I may not, I don't know yet. But incase I do make it public, here's a little background on me.

I'm 27 years old, I was born in Glasgow, Scotland and have lived in Scotland all my life. I call myself FTM, but to be fair, I am transgendered, I have not started hormones and I have not had surgery, although I would like to one day. I am about 5'10", and I have been quite lucky in that I don't have a typically female build, my voice is also quite low and I often pass without effort. I have lived with both my parents until the age of 25, they never split or divorced. I have one younger brother, who also lived with us. My parents are religious, my dad is a baptist minister, and they are both quite traditional in their values, and generally quite stoic when it comes to feelings and emotions. Sex was almost never mentioned in the family, I had the 'birds and bees' talk when I was very young, I guess they wanted to get it out the way early on.

Around the age of 13, I kinda figured out that I was gay. I liked girls, and someone had told us that there was such a thing as being gay, so I put 2 and 2 together, and got 3 and a half. It seemed right, but not quite. Shortly after I figured this out, I was forced to come out to my mother by my father. That was pretty traumatic, I remember standing in the corner of the hall, crying, and him shouting at me, demanding to know why I didn't dress more like a girl.

Now, at this time, I was being bullied quite badly. The bullying went on for pretty much the whole 6 years we lived at that address, both at school at my house. I remember one occasion, early on, when I had had an altercation with the 'lead bully' (who lived 2 doors away), my dad shouting at me, and asking me 'what had I done to cause him to act like that with me? because I have a habit of rubbing people up the wrong way'. This is typical of the attitude my dad has towards me.

So, after a while, I can't remember how long, my mother interviened and spoke to me in my room. I somehow managed to get out the confession to her that I thought I was gay. This ofcourse broke her heart, she started crying, and I asked her not to tell my dad. She agreed and said she would tell him that I had agreed to make more of an effort to be more feminine.

The type of bullying I received was based largely on my physical appearence. I was not feminine, I worse trousers instead of a skirt, I was awkward and perceived as being gay. The school didn't do alot to help. I believe my dad wrote some letters to the head teacher, I think they offered to move me from my class, but that would have meant leaving the few friends I did have. Altogether, it was a really shitty time for me. We moved to that address around age 10, and left around age 16. So I spent my puberty going through the hell of being bullied.

Around the age of 18, my dad caught me on gay.com, he again had me cornered and forced me to tell him why I was on that site. He actually gave me a hug this time, and told me that they would still love me. This is a pretty rare moment of affection from him. I remember a couple of years after, again being trapped by him (now when I say trapped, I don't mean being held physcially, I mean being told not to move and being verbally attacked) and being told that he 'didn't care what I thought I was, I was not going to be allowed to hurt my mother any more by dressing as I did'.

I have never gotten along with my father, he is very stubborn, very stoic, very much the authority figure. He is a control freak, and doesn't trust me at all. As a child, we would be 'smacked', this continued into my teenage years, although it wasn't like a slap on the back of the legs, it would be a full throttle rage, being slapped around the head and body. I remember a number of occasions, my mum and brother interviening. The problem is, I am also very stubborn, and I refuse absolutely to give in to him. My mum describes us as 'two bulls going head to head'.

That's a fairly breif version of an introduction, and a start at explaining some of my family influence and experience and an insight into why I may never transition.