Oh Ten

So here it is, 2010. My resolution is to make a start on my transition, and in some small ways I already have. I got my binder in the post yesterday, ofcourse I tried it on straight away and it was a very good fit. I think I could have gotten away with the next size down, but still it's really very good.

As it was hogmany (new years eve) yesterday, I had planned to go out into the city and celebrate with friends, so I decided to try it out. I met up with some friends who also had some of their friends meet up with us, their friends were lesbians so we ended up going to a gay club. It would seem that the binder done the trick as I was just taken as a guy.

This really was a first for me, I haven't ever before purposefully intended to pass as male. It was really a new experience and to be honest, I enjoyed it, it was nice to be recognised as a guy for a change. The only thing I would say that I regret is not having an STP packer, I really did feel that something was missing (that and I was bursting for the toilet all night and didn't much like the look of the toilets in the cubicles!), I did get a bit close to (physically) to someone that night and it was a constant concern, what if she reaches for something thats not there?

Seeing my rather drunk friends interacting with strangers in the street, it made me realise how women perceive men. My friend Charlie had mentioned in a video about a discussion he had with a cisgendered female and how she was more aware of her surroundings and had an innate fear of strange men when out in public. I really saw this last night, women were somewhat more reluctant to interact with a strange male, some even turning away altogether. It's not something I've really experienced before, from such a personal viewpoint. Not that I am really the type to approach strangers in the street, but Glasgow is known as the friendly city and people usually respond well to being approached. But still, it made me realise, I'm no longer part of that group, I'm slowly but steadily loosing my connection, my ties if you will, with the female community, and with that I'm having to (to a degree) relearn behaviours. I'm seeing now how I would be percieved as a male and recognising now that behaviours towards women that cisgendered guys learn in their teens, I have to adopt myself.

In other news, my mother made me go shopping with her. As I mentioned before, she's bought me a trouser suit for my brother's wedding. She had also bought some awful blouse to go with it, which I point blank refused to even entertain the idea of wearing. So, we needed to get a replacement, I also needed to get a pair of shoes for the occasion. I'm pretty sure I've touched a little on the perils and pitfalls of trying to buy ladies shoes that will actually fit me, so this time we opted for a pair of men's shoes.

Now, this is a pretty significant milestone. My mother, who in the past gave me a bollocking for looking at men's shoes, was actually in the men's department of a clothes shop with me, looking at men's shoes and suggesting different pairs for me to try. Admitedly, I did steer us in that direction but only after she had exhausted the options in the ladies department, but none the less, she was there with me, quite happily looking at the clothes. I got a shirt for wearing with the suit, a men's shirt, which she did not complain about, I got the shoes, and I tried on a pair of trousers too. However, on entering the changing rooms, I was directed to the men's changing rooms. I didn't realise this at first, and my mother did try to call me back, but I indicated to her quietly not to make a scene as it would just be embaressing all round if I were to try and go into the ladies room and have to explain to the shop assistant. So she was initially somewhat ashen faced, but perked up when she saw me in the clothes (I think that kinda took her mind off it).

But I feel like this is a big step forward, I was explaining to her also about why I prefer to wear men's trousers, that the cut is better, more flattering. She countered by saying that women's clothes are cut for a female body shape, but the proof of the pudding is in the eating as they say. I look terrible in ladies trousers, I don't in men's. So I think I can count that as a victory of sorts, there was no unspoken awkwardness, no sense of shame in looking at male clothing.

That last line, kinda brings me into the something else that I've been thinking about recenetly. I've realised that I have a feeling of shame with regards my masculinity, and I think its been mostly fuelled by my mother. I see cisgendered guys with beards and body hair and masculine clothing and theres no shame there, yet I can't help but feel that although I long to look like that, in reality, there would be a sense of shame and embaressment about it around my family. I find myself being quite jelous of these guys. To hear my brother talking about being protective of his girlfriend, and my parents (my father especially) agreeing with him, I think, what if I was to talk like that? What if it was me sitting at the table with you all, talking about being protective of my girlfriend? Would you be so quick to agree? Would the topic even be open to discussion? Would it make you feel uncomfortable? I would myself feel uncomfortable discussing it with my family becuase of that sense of shame that's been put in place.

After years of bullying, I developed a rock hard outer shell, 'I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about me and they can fuck off if the don't like it'. I really don't want to use time and energy worrying about these things, it really matters nothing to me. I'm not going to change myself to make other people (this is excluding my family) happy, if someone has a problem with me, I really don't care. On a very few occasions, I have had altercations with people, some physical, but I am now at a point where I feel like I can handle anything. I've been experienced verbal, emotional, mental and physical violence, and I'm still standing. I now do not fear these things. This frame of mind has, I have found, eliminated alot of stress for me. I just don't worry about these things.

Unless it's with my parents, it's strange to me that they're the only people who have this effect on me. I don't fear violence from them, more the shame and awkwardness. I find that very difficult to deal with, I think I also fear to some degree, abandonment. They're who I turn to when I need help, not with matters that would be talked about, but physical needs.

Maybe that's whats scaring me so much? We don't talk about thoughts and feelings, I don't feel comfortable discussing those kind of things with them, I feel awkward and shameful. We never ever discuss sex, ever. And this, my transition, I guess to some degree, falls into that category, sexual organs, sexuality, masculinity, gender roles, things that are never discussed.

And then the ubiquitous sense of shame...

The Ultimatum

My brother is getting married in the new year, I'm sure I've mentioned this before. Well, my mother has given me an ultimatum. I can either wear a ladies trouser suit and attend the wedding, or not attend the wedding. I only have one brother, and I doubt he'll ever be married twice, but regardless, this is a pretty big thing and because he is my brother and I love him, I don't want to miss it. However, this ultimatum is causing some problems.

I really don't want to wear women's clothes. My mother stopped dressing me a long time ago, and I finally was able, to some degree, to express myself. But every now and again, something like this comes up and me, being the girl, am expected to dress appropriately.

I don't like dressing up. Nights out, I don't do it, I don't have any nice clothes like that, I don't get dressed up. Quite frankly I wouldn't really know how. I don't have any practice in that kind of thing. All my clothing buys have been to disguise my female body and make me feel comfortable. A ladies trouser suit to me is like a straitjacket. I really don't want to wear it.

As I'm rubbish at shopping for clothes, and to be honest I don't enjoy it (changing rooms, funny looks, 'is that a girl buying men's clothes?'), my mother has been scouring the shops for a trouser suit for me to wear. Unfortunately she's found something.

Trying on the clothes, I can't help but feel almost like a petulant child. I instantly go into a bad mood, I want to throw a tantrum, I want to express my horror at having to wear these clothes, I want to tear them to shreds. She pre-empted this by telling me I won't like them, that I'll think they look stupid and it's too bad as that's all there is. So atleast she understands I'm not a willing party to this.

Now, I'm a fairly stoic type, 4 emotions, I don't cry easily, infact I rarely cry (the last time I really cried was on finding my boy Ninja dead at the side of the road), but this had me with a lump in my throat. It really upsets me that much, but I can't tell her that. I can't tell her why I'm reacting like I am. It's not because I'm trying to be selfish or difficult. I can't tell her this, so I end up getting defensive, which means I get angry and go on the attack. I can deal with a big shouting match easier than I can trying on these clothes. But she doesn't know that, so it's just chalked up to me and and my bad attitude, like so many things in my life, trans bullshit interpreted as selfishness.

I don't know how she hasn't figured it out yet, I wonder if she attibutes it to me 'being gay' (for those not in the know, this is the 'official' stance with my parents). Although masculinity and sexuality are two different things entirely, I wonder if she's aware of that?

The things I do to keep this woman happy and she doesn't even realise.

Dirty Words

So, as I'm sure I mentioned before, I'm not in regular work at the moment. I recently got my class 2 entitlement on my driving licence, this means I can drive large goods vehicles (LGV). Now I have worked in the past as a delivery driver, but the majority of my working history is in call centres. My preference really is to work in a driving job, the freedom you have is just wonderful. Now, I'll admit it, I'm biased, I think Scotland is the most beautiful country in the world. So to be paid to spend my days driving around it, to me, really is a dream job.

Call centres on the other hand are about as depressing as you can get. It is absolutely souless work. Stuck in front of a grimy computer in a bland office building, talking to people who don't want to be talking to you, trying to hit unachievable targets, selling something you really don't care about and pretending that you're upbeat and actually give a shit. I hate it. And I mean that in the absolute strongest sense of the word.

I've been looking for driving work lately, although with this recession there's not alot of work going. Also the fact that I haven't had alot of experience in this field of work, means I'm not exactly top pick for the few jobs that are going. So, recently I've started applying to call centres again. I always said I didn't want to go back to call centre work (and I still don't!), but I'm running out of time and options.

So enough of the background! I'll get to the point of my post. I heard back from one of the call centres that had I applied to, they called me and I passed the telephone interview and agreed to attend a further assesment. The email that I received with the confirmation had the following line;

Please note that the dress code is formal business wear.

Formal business wear. Three words I absolutely dread. Formal business wear means suit and tie. Now, as I've not yet begun my transition, I can't realistically go into a job as a female wearing unmistakably male clothing. This is something that has always been a problem for me in the past, it's something that has always held me back. I cannot bring myself to wear female clothing, I just cannot do it. It goes so against the grain of my being that I just cannot do it. So I've always worked in places that either supply a set uniform or have a casual dress code. This generally means that it's dead end jobs, no real prospects. Nothing that could really be called a career move.

So because of this, I had to cancel the assesment. When I was telling my parents about my descion and explaining the dress code to my father, I used the term 'suit and tie'. He replied with "well suit and tie isn't female formal business wear". Even though I know that he is unaware of my situation, it's still like a sledgehammer to the gut when someone says something like that to me.

My brother is due to be married in March 2010, now I'm very happy for him, he pretty much has it all sorted. I must admit I am very envious of him and the life he has had and the life that awaits him. The reason I bring this up is that my mother has begun dropping hints that she wants me to buy an outfit for his wedding. Now in her mind, she knows I'm "not girly" and that I won't wear a dress, so she wants me to get something like a trouser suit.

We've been here before. I have spent hours being dragged around various shops looking for an outfit to wear for a wedding/graduation/funeral/some formal occassion. As a teenager, I would actually end up having panic attacks in store while being subjected to this. Needless to say, it's not something I would care to repeat.

The thing with my mother is, she is very concered about how people perceive her and us as a family. I think she likes to have this notion of being a perfect family, happily married, 1 boy, 1 girl, 1 cat. She has often told me that my appearance is not acceptable, that I should make more of an effort to be attractive and take a pride in my appearence, as it reflects poorly on her. And this is what she's concerned about come the wedding. Am I going to turn up looking like a misfit and embaress her again?

On a side note, I remember quite specifically for her graduation, I had been made to get a trouser suit and after many hours we had found a pair of ladies shoes that sort of fitted me. They were too small really and fantastically uncomfortable. At that time (I'm not really up to speed on women's shoes nowadays) women's shoes were made to around a size 8. I take a men's size 9 or 10, so you can see the problems I had. So for the duration of the day, I was very uncomfortable in terms of poorly fitting clothes and that I was being made to wear girl's clothes. I don't really want to repeat that at my brother's wedding. As I keep telling her, it's not her big day and it's not my big day. No one's gonna be looking at me!

I'll try and bring this to a conclusion and share my thoughts a bit. I have never really taken 'a pride in my appearence'. I have never really tried to make myself attractive. All I wanted to do for years was disappear and not be noticed. Why would I want to make myself noticeable? I hated the body I was in, I didn't want to appear feminine, I didn't want to even exist. But now, with the prospect of actually transitioning, I'm starting to have a different point of view on the matter. I do want to be smartly dressed and appear attractive and look after myself. But I want to do it as a man!