Oh Ten

So here it is, 2010. My resolution is to make a start on my transition, and in some small ways I already have. I got my binder in the post yesterday, ofcourse I tried it on straight away and it was a very good fit. I think I could have gotten away with the next size down, but still it's really very good.

As it was hogmany (new years eve) yesterday, I had planned to go out into the city and celebrate with friends, so I decided to try it out. I met up with some friends who also had some of their friends meet up with us, their friends were lesbians so we ended up going to a gay club. It would seem that the binder done the trick as I was just taken as a guy.

This really was a first for me, I haven't ever before purposefully intended to pass as male. It was really a new experience and to be honest, I enjoyed it, it was nice to be recognised as a guy for a change. The only thing I would say that I regret is not having an STP packer, I really did feel that something was missing (that and I was bursting for the toilet all night and didn't much like the look of the toilets in the cubicles!), I did get a bit close to (physically) to someone that night and it was a constant concern, what if she reaches for something thats not there?

Seeing my rather drunk friends interacting with strangers in the street, it made me realise how women perceive men. My friend Charlie had mentioned in a video about a discussion he had with a cisgendered female and how she was more aware of her surroundings and had an innate fear of strange men when out in public. I really saw this last night, women were somewhat more reluctant to interact with a strange male, some even turning away altogether. It's not something I've really experienced before, from such a personal viewpoint. Not that I am really the type to approach strangers in the street, but Glasgow is known as the friendly city and people usually respond well to being approached. But still, it made me realise, I'm no longer part of that group, I'm slowly but steadily loosing my connection, my ties if you will, with the female community, and with that I'm having to (to a degree) relearn behaviours. I'm seeing now how I would be percieved as a male and recognising now that behaviours towards women that cisgendered guys learn in their teens, I have to adopt myself.

In other news, my mother made me go shopping with her. As I mentioned before, she's bought me a trouser suit for my brother's wedding. She had also bought some awful blouse to go with it, which I point blank refused to even entertain the idea of wearing. So, we needed to get a replacement, I also needed to get a pair of shoes for the occasion. I'm pretty sure I've touched a little on the perils and pitfalls of trying to buy ladies shoes that will actually fit me, so this time we opted for a pair of men's shoes.

Now, this is a pretty significant milestone. My mother, who in the past gave me a bollocking for looking at men's shoes, was actually in the men's department of a clothes shop with me, looking at men's shoes and suggesting different pairs for me to try. Admitedly, I did steer us in that direction but only after she had exhausted the options in the ladies department, but none the less, she was there with me, quite happily looking at the clothes. I got a shirt for wearing with the suit, a men's shirt, which she did not complain about, I got the shoes, and I tried on a pair of trousers too. However, on entering the changing rooms, I was directed to the men's changing rooms. I didn't realise this at first, and my mother did try to call me back, but I indicated to her quietly not to make a scene as it would just be embaressing all round if I were to try and go into the ladies room and have to explain to the shop assistant. So she was initially somewhat ashen faced, but perked up when she saw me in the clothes (I think that kinda took her mind off it).

But I feel like this is a big step forward, I was explaining to her also about why I prefer to wear men's trousers, that the cut is better, more flattering. She countered by saying that women's clothes are cut for a female body shape, but the proof of the pudding is in the eating as they say. I look terrible in ladies trousers, I don't in men's. So I think I can count that as a victory of sorts, there was no unspoken awkwardness, no sense of shame in looking at male clothing.

That last line, kinda brings me into the something else that I've been thinking about recenetly. I've realised that I have a feeling of shame with regards my masculinity, and I think its been mostly fuelled by my mother. I see cisgendered guys with beards and body hair and masculine clothing and theres no shame there, yet I can't help but feel that although I long to look like that, in reality, there would be a sense of shame and embaressment about it around my family. I find myself being quite jelous of these guys. To hear my brother talking about being protective of his girlfriend, and my parents (my father especially) agreeing with him, I think, what if I was to talk like that? What if it was me sitting at the table with you all, talking about being protective of my girlfriend? Would you be so quick to agree? Would the topic even be open to discussion? Would it make you feel uncomfortable? I would myself feel uncomfortable discussing it with my family becuase of that sense of shame that's been put in place.

After years of bullying, I developed a rock hard outer shell, 'I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about me and they can fuck off if the don't like it'. I really don't want to use time and energy worrying about these things, it really matters nothing to me. I'm not going to change myself to make other people (this is excluding my family) happy, if someone has a problem with me, I really don't care. On a very few occasions, I have had altercations with people, some physical, but I am now at a point where I feel like I can handle anything. I've been experienced verbal, emotional, mental and physical violence, and I'm still standing. I now do not fear these things. This frame of mind has, I have found, eliminated alot of stress for me. I just don't worry about these things.

Unless it's with my parents, it's strange to me that they're the only people who have this effect on me. I don't fear violence from them, more the shame and awkwardness. I find that very difficult to deal with, I think I also fear to some degree, abandonment. They're who I turn to when I need help, not with matters that would be talked about, but physical needs.

Maybe that's whats scaring me so much? We don't talk about thoughts and feelings, I don't feel comfortable discussing those kind of things with them, I feel awkward and shameful. We never ever discuss sex, ever. And this, my transition, I guess to some degree, falls into that category, sexual organs, sexuality, masculinity, gender roles, things that are never discussed.

And then the ubiquitous sense of shame...