That night...

I keep going over in my mind about the events of hogmany. The different attitude people had towards me, the girl who had her hands all over me all night, the (gay) guys who were eyeing me up and dancing up close by me, the staff at the bar serving drinks. For once, I wasn't viewed with suspicion or as just another big butch dyke. I was viewed as guy, and apparently a somewhat attractive one at that.

See, for years I've thought of myself as unattractive, reinforced by years of bullying and very little interest from girls. I've never really been much good at talking to girls like that, I never really had much confidence and then after a while I just stopped trying. So for years I got by as this asexual stone butch dyke who didn't 'go out on the pull'. After a while I realised I was transgendered, then I was this asexual wannabe transguy who didn't 'go out on the pull'. And so it has been for many years, I've been very lonely during this time, no companion, no intamacy, no support, no love, no girl.

That night was a turning point for me, the first step in a new (and a little scary) direction. That was the first time I'd worn a binder, the first time I'd made an effort to really pass, the first time someone had taken me as male and I hadn't needed to correct them.

There's a big grey patch in my life where nothing really happened, I was just existing, not living. I don't want to return to that, I don't want to be alone and unhappy, I want to be attractive to other people, I want a companion, I want to be happy. And now I've had a taste of it, I don't ever want to go back.