Sunday 22 November 2009

Them

I hate them. I despise them. I abhor them. I can't think of a word strong enough to describe my contempt for therm. The wretched monthly slap in the face from mother nature that goes 'YOUR'E STILL A WOMAN!'. I fucking loathe them.

Except for me, it's not always every month, sometimes it's sooner, I long for the day it's never. I suffer with them, not just the wretched indignity of bleeding uncontrollably, the embarrassment and mental anguish, but I get alot of physical pain. The women in my family have always suffered alot with them. I get sickness and diarrhoea, my gut is just completely thrown out of sync, I can't seem to stay warm and I pretty much loose the will to live.

I have absolutely zero desire to be pregnant. The concept is entirely alien to me, I just want these wretched organs gone, I have absolutely no need for them. That's not to say I wouoldn't like a family one day, but even as a child, I knew I would never be pregnant.

Now, when it comes to work, as I've mentioned the kind of work I want to do is a heavy physical job. It's what would typically be catagorised as "man's work". Being female bodied, I'm immediately considered to be at a disadvantage. I have to work against that. So, calling in sick for a week, every three weeks because it feels like my guts are falling out, is not an option.

Bio guys really have no idea just how lucky they are.

Saturday 21 November 2009

The T Word

I've been spending alot of time on you tube recently, with there being such a big FTM community on there, I've had alot of catching up to do. One of my friends posted a video about starting a collaborative channel for transguys on there as many of the current collab channels don't have any openings right now.

But this got me thinking, I'm not a big fan of making videos. As I've said before, I find it easier to get my point across in a blog. But in my time online, I haven't seen (not to say there aren't any!) a collaborative blogs for transguys. So I decided to make one.

It's called The T Word, original I know! But this is an invite to whomever is reading to have a look, and if your a transguy, to contribute also. So please do pass on the link to others and help to spread the word a bit.

thetwordblog.blogspot.com
twitter.com/TheTWordBlog

Friday 20 November 2009

I feel like I'm going to die

I wanted to keep this separate from the previous entry, I'm sure you all don't mind!

I received in the post today, two Underworks binders that a friend had very kindly sent to me. I had been waiting for them to arrive for about a month (they had travelled across an ocean!), so I was pretty excited when they did arrive. Now I'm pretty big built, my ribs/chest are about 40" around, so when my friend said the size he had ordered (large) was intended to fit someone with a 40" - 44" chest, I thought they would do me fine!

How wrong I was. I barely managed to get the binder over my shoulders, at this point, it bunched up around the top of my ribs and just under my arms. Given that it is incredibly small and doesn't have much elasticity, it immediately started to crush my ribs. This had the unpleasant sensation of imminent death.

I have heard other guys say that they have had similar problems with Underworks and that they have had to modify binders to get them to work. But if they're designs are so small that something designed to fit a 44" chest is basically impossible to get on a 40" chest, I wouldn't recommend them.

Dirty Words

So, as I'm sure I mentioned before, I'm not in regular work at the moment. I recently got my class 2 entitlement on my driving licence, this means I can drive large goods vehicles (LGV). Now I have worked in the past as a delivery driver, but the majority of my working history is in call centres. My preference really is to work in a driving job, the freedom you have is just wonderful. Now, I'll admit it, I'm biased, I think Scotland is the most beautiful country in the world. So to be paid to spend my days driving around it, to me, really is a dream job.

Call centres on the other hand are about as depressing as you can get. It is absolutely souless work. Stuck in front of a grimy computer in a bland office building, talking to people who don't want to be talking to you, trying to hit unachievable targets, selling something you really don't care about and pretending that you're upbeat and actually give a shit. I hate it. And I mean that in the absolute strongest sense of the word.

I've been looking for driving work lately, although with this recession there's not alot of work going. Also the fact that I haven't had alot of experience in this field of work, means I'm not exactly top pick for the few jobs that are going. So, recently I've started applying to call centres again. I always said I didn't want to go back to call centre work (and I still don't!), but I'm running out of time and options.

So enough of the background! I'll get to the point of my post. I heard back from one of the call centres that had I applied to, they called me and I passed the telephone interview and agreed to attend a further assesment. The email that I received with the confirmation had the following line;

Please note that the dress code is formal business wear.

Formal business wear. Three words I absolutely dread. Formal business wear means suit and tie. Now, as I've not yet begun my transition, I can't realistically go into a job as a female wearing unmistakably male clothing. This is something that has always been a problem for me in the past, it's something that has always held me back. I cannot bring myself to wear female clothing, I just cannot do it. It goes so against the grain of my being that I just cannot do it. So I've always worked in places that either supply a set uniform or have a casual dress code. This generally means that it's dead end jobs, no real prospects. Nothing that could really be called a career move.

So because of this, I had to cancel the assesment. When I was telling my parents about my descion and explaining the dress code to my father, I used the term 'suit and tie'. He replied with "well suit and tie isn't female formal business wear". Even though I know that he is unaware of my situation, it's still like a sledgehammer to the gut when someone says something like that to me.

My brother is due to be married in March 2010, now I'm very happy for him, he pretty much has it all sorted. I must admit I am very envious of him and the life he has had and the life that awaits him. The reason I bring this up is that my mother has begun dropping hints that she wants me to buy an outfit for his wedding. Now in her mind, she knows I'm "not girly" and that I won't wear a dress, so she wants me to get something like a trouser suit.

We've been here before. I have spent hours being dragged around various shops looking for an outfit to wear for a wedding/graduation/funeral/some formal occassion. As a teenager, I would actually end up having panic attacks in store while being subjected to this. Needless to say, it's not something I would care to repeat.

The thing with my mother is, she is very concered about how people perceive her and us as a family. I think she likes to have this notion of being a perfect family, happily married, 1 boy, 1 girl, 1 cat. She has often told me that my appearance is not acceptable, that I should make more of an effort to be attractive and take a pride in my appearence, as it reflects poorly on her. And this is what she's concerned about come the wedding. Am I going to turn up looking like a misfit and embaress her again?

On a side note, I remember quite specifically for her graduation, I had been made to get a trouser suit and after many hours we had found a pair of ladies shoes that sort of fitted me. They were too small really and fantastically uncomfortable. At that time (I'm not really up to speed on women's shoes nowadays) women's shoes were made to around a size 8. I take a men's size 9 or 10, so you can see the problems I had. So for the duration of the day, I was very uncomfortable in terms of poorly fitting clothes and that I was being made to wear girl's clothes. I don't really want to repeat that at my brother's wedding. As I keep telling her, it's not her big day and it's not my big day. No one's gonna be looking at me!

I'll try and bring this to a conclusion and share my thoughts a bit. I have never really taken 'a pride in my appearence'. I have never really tried to make myself attractive. All I wanted to do for years was disappear and not be noticed. Why would I want to make myself noticeable? I hated the body I was in, I didn't want to appear feminine, I didn't want to even exist. But now, with the prospect of actually transitioning, I'm starting to have a different point of view on the matter. I do want to be smartly dressed and appear attractive and look after myself. But I want to do it as a man!

Monday 16 November 2009

I am butch, hear me blog!

I hadn't planned on making another entry so soon after my last one, but I'm playing catch up with my friend's you tube videos and one such video reignited a train of thought.

I have been spending time on twitter, and through there I have found a number of butch lesbian resources. I remember when I identified as a lesbian, there was so few websites online that really catered to us. The particular site I found was called Butch Voices, the front page has the following;

We are Butch Voices

We are woman-identified Butches. We are trans-masculine Studs. We are faggot-identified Aggressives. We are noun Butches, adjective Studs and pronoun-shunning Aggressives. We are she, he, hy, ze, zie and hir. We are you, and we are me. The point is, we don’t decide who is Butch, Stud or Aggressive. You get to decide for yourself.


This got me thinking. When I moved from identifiying as a lesbian to identifying as an FTM, I left behind the butch tag too. It didn't occur to me at the time that I could be FTM and butch at the same time. On clicking the link to this site, I assumed it was aimed at butch lesbians and that it would not directly appeal to me. That the butch lebsians are one camp and the FTMs another, and they don't mix well. But on reading that statement, it made me realise, my masculinity is not defined by the fact that I'm FTM.

I am both FTM and Butch.

In my friend's video, he talks about not wanting to be defined as either male or female, about the fact that he liked wearing make up, that he doesn't want to wear boy jeans, that he wants to be androgynous. I also watched an interview with an FTM, who talks about being a rather camp and effeminate gay man (I will try and find out their name!), and how they were also confused by this.

In the cisgendered community, there is varying levels of masculinity in bio males. Why should we be any different? Why should an FTM be considered any less male than any other FTM? We are all individuals, the level of our masculinity should not mean that we are excluded from the queer community. The beauty of our community is the uniqueness of the members and the fact that we accept each other for that individuality. No one should ever feel they are not 'butch enough'.

Transgendered Blah
Transgendered Blah Part 2

Nature vs Nurture - Round 1

So I've been doing some thinking, a dangerous prospect I know(!). But on the matter of being transgendered, and why does it happen. I'm a christian, I believe that we have a soul, and that which we call gender ties in with your soul. That at the point of conception, the soul makes contact with the foetus, and that your soul has a predetermined gender and that's what you grow into, a girl or a boy.

I know alot of people don't believe that gender is just black and white, male and female, but I do. As I said, I'm a christian, I believe that God made man and woman, those two types, the masculine and the feminine and that they should come together to make a whole, to be yin to the other's yang.

Now most folks are fortunate enough that during their development, their body develops in-line with their gender, and everything turns out ok. But I did wonder, as all foetuses start out as female (and I believe it's around 8 weeks that the foetus will then either develop into a male or a female), if the problem lies there. What if I didn't get enough testosterone in the womb? What if the MTF girls got too much? What if it is really as simple as a matter of biology?

I couldn't blame my upbringing for making me this way, nothing about my childhood influenced me to be male, infact, quite the opposite. I was forever turned out in dresses and pretty outfits, given dolls to play with, the typical girly upbringing. Yet despite all those outside influences, I still wanted to play with my brother's GI Joe, not the Rainbow Sprite that was left gathering dust in the corner. During my awkward teenage years, when all the girls were becoming young women and developing an interest in things of a feminine nature, I was turning into the Humpback of Notre Dame, because I wanted to be masculine, but that wasn't allowed, so I was forced to try and find some kind of middle line that equated to being looked upon as a freak.

Which leads me to discount nurture as the cause of this. There are so many medical birth defects that can occur, who's to say that this isn't just another? I guess the problem is that it's not something that can be diagnosed with a physical examination or a blood test. It's something only that person will be able to determine and over a number of years.

It's just something thats been swirling around in my mind these last couple of days. I honestly do not believe that being transgendered is a mental health issue. I believe it really is just a matter of biology.

On a side note, I made a you tube account. There's such a big trans community on there, I thought it was about time I got involved. I don't plan on uploading any videos just now. I think I'll use it to record my transition once I actually start T, to record physical changes and things. I will still use this blog for thoughts and ramblings. I like being able to articulate myself and say exactly what I want to say and change some thing if I don't like it. I can be more concise here than staring at a camera and saying "um" for 10 minutes.

So... um.... yknow.... add me!

www.youtube.com/user/becomingkeltik

Sunday 15 November 2009

Bear with me here...

Ok, so two posts in two days isn't typical for me, I have a few things in my mind that I want to get out. They're not overly trans oriented, but then pretty much every thought I have nowadays has a tie to being transgendered, and it's my blog, so I can post about it!

I'm in a relatively positive frame of mind right now. I've just watched the event UFC 105 and I'm currently watching the latest episode of The Ultimate Fighter. I'm a big MMA (mixed martial arts) fan. So much so that I actually train in the sport, and have been for about a year and a half now. During my years of being bullied, I had pretty much become a recluse. I comfort/boredom ate, and I gained alot of weight. At my heaviest I was about 20 stone (280lbs), although fortunately with my build I never looked as bad as that sounds. But with attending the gym and trying to improve my diet, I've come down to about 17 stone (240lbs), which im pleased with, but I would still like to loose another 3 or 4 stone (about 40lbs).

I'll explain a little about the gym also. It's such a big part of my life now, I have made friends there and it has given me a social outlet and a hobby where previously there was none. When I joined, there was no other 'girls' training. I was the only one, however I never at any point was made to feel unwelcome or any different to any of the guys. After having spent so many years being bullied, I now have an attitude of 'not taking shit from anyone', I am able to appear confident and outgoing, which I believe has helped me to be accepted. The gym policy is also one of mutual respect for all. Anyone showing disrespect is swiftly dealt with.

I train along side the guys, I lift the same weights as they do, I perform the same excersices (although some out of sheer poor fitness I am unable to, but I'm working on that!), I attend the same classes and I learn the same techniques. I spar with the guys, work pads with the guys, I'm basically accepted and treated as one of the guys.

Although recently due to financial issues I have not been able to afford to attend the classes, and I am sorely missing them! I'm currently not working, which in itself is very depressing. Due to my lack of income, I'm now selling my flat, however in today's market, that's taking a little longer than I'd like. So in an effort to save money and leave my flat in viewable condition, I've been living in my parents' spare room. They've also agreed to take in my cat as the address I plan to move to currently houses a dog, and they just wouldn't get along.

So, being at home again is difficult, there is a return to previous attitudes and behaviours, which don't help my situation, only worsen it. It's depressing enough as it is to find work during a recession, without having constant pressure and stress applied at home.

So the property I'm moving to is my gran's 3 bed house. She passed away a couple of years ago, leaving my two uncles who lived with her. Once she passed, one of my uncles moved out, the other stayed. The unce who stayed, that I plan to move in with, doesn't work. He's an alcoholic and has health issues relating to that. He's kinda old school, but he's cool. He spent time with us as kids and we always got on well, so he was happy to take me in now. He asked me recently, just kinda off the cuff, if I was gay. As the official stance is telling none of my family im trans, I told him yes. I think he was a little surprised but after a minute make a joke encouraging me to bring girlfriends home for him to meet.

I'm looking forward to getting moved in and settled down. There's alot of happy memories for me at that house. At my flat, I'm not at all familiar with the area. The same is true of my parent's house. I didn't go to school here, I don't have childhood friends from the area, I've never explored the area like you do as a kid with friends. I don't really feel like I'm 'home' here. But I know the area my gran's house is in, I don't have the same uncertainty as I do here. There are things of interest there for me that are within walking or biking distance. I have family close by there too. I'm not as isolated or have same need for a car living there.

So, it seems like I'm going off on a tangent here, but I'm coming to a point! I'm looking forward to selling up, being free of a financial burden, being able to move out and be settled and having the burden of my parents greatly reduced, to being able to focus properly on finding work, to be living in a house that's big enough to house excersice equipment (that my flat was too small for), and having the time and energy to focus on excersice and eating a proper diet instead of cardboard food, and to be able to start working on making my body look how I really want it to look.

Now, if I could just sell that damn flat!

Saturday 14 November 2009

'Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell'

I think I've neglected this blog long enough, time for an update!

I have been spending some time in a trans oriented room on Stickam (it's called FTM/MTF/Allies). There's alot of transguys on there, and I've found that by spending time with these guys has really boosted my confidence and desire to transition. Previously, having identified as a lesbian, I'd spend time in the company of lesbians. Being in their company, there wasn't the same kind of pro-trans feeling. It wasn't an issue for them, it wasn't something that was regularly or openly discussed, there wasn't the same feeling of 'I want to be like everyone else'. But being in the company of these guys and seeing how they're changing, I can't help but feel envious.

It's also nice being in the company of women (cis and transgendered) who are attracted to transguys. The problem with being in the company of lesbians would be, are they attracted to me as a man or as a woman? It's nice that it's not a hushed secret that will have to surface at some point and be a possible spanner in the works.

I have made the descion to transition. I don't have a realistic timescale for it yet, but I've atleast decided in my mind that I'm going to do it, rather than sitting on the fence. As unhappy as I am currently, there's still a safe, comfortable feeling in the familiar. Change is the one thing I'm absolutely desperate for, yet at the same time, I'm terrified of it.

So I wrote my comming out letter to my parents. It's only really a first draft that I'm sure I'll add to in time, but I feel like its a step forward. I feel like I've made a commitment to actually do this.

A friend I made on the chatroom, has moved back to Glasgow. It's my first real life trans friend, and it's nice to be able to spend time in the company of someone who know what I am, and respects that and is willing to talk openly about it. It's not a dirty subject, or something to be embaressed or scared about. He's offered to help me out, to be a support to me, as well as helping out with things like binders and an STP (stand to pee - a prosthetic). So that's a real big positive for me, it's making this seem so much more real, it's acually happening now. It will be nice to have someone whos going through the same thing, he's about 6 months on T (testosterone) and is noticing changes, it's nice to have someone to share and compare with, as daft as that sounds lol.

On the advice of a friend I've started shaving my face, just to try an encourage some hair growth. I guess I've been pretty lucky, I already have a slight fuzz, a few hairs on my chin and slight tache. So I've been shaving it and I'm getting some stubble now, I feel like I'm 13 years old and getting my first tache lol.

I've decided on a name too. It's a name I've always liked but had never actually considered it for myself. In reality, I doubt I will change my name, my first name that is. I'm fortunate enough to have a name that can be for both male and female. It's traditionally a Scottish male name, although recently it's become more popular as a girl's name, I still have the traditional male spelling. I guess this is for the benefit of friends and family, it will be enough of an upheaval to deal with as it is, atleast they won't have to try and get used to a new name too.

There's a special prize for the first person to name the song that the title of today's blog is taken from!