Dirty Words

So, as I'm sure I mentioned before, I'm not in regular work at the moment. I recently got my class 2 entitlement on my driving licence, this means I can drive large goods vehicles (LGV). Now I have worked in the past as a delivery driver, but the majority of my working history is in call centres. My preference really is to work in a driving job, the freedom you have is just wonderful. Now, I'll admit it, I'm biased, I think Scotland is the most beautiful country in the world. So to be paid to spend my days driving around it, to me, really is a dream job.

Call centres on the other hand are about as depressing as you can get. It is absolutely souless work. Stuck in front of a grimy computer in a bland office building, talking to people who don't want to be talking to you, trying to hit unachievable targets, selling something you really don't care about and pretending that you're upbeat and actually give a shit. I hate it. And I mean that in the absolute strongest sense of the word.

I've been looking for driving work lately, although with this recession there's not alot of work going. Also the fact that I haven't had alot of experience in this field of work, means I'm not exactly top pick for the few jobs that are going. So, recently I've started applying to call centres again. I always said I didn't want to go back to call centre work (and I still don't!), but I'm running out of time and options.

So enough of the background! I'll get to the point of my post. I heard back from one of the call centres that had I applied to, they called me and I passed the telephone interview and agreed to attend a further assesment. The email that I received with the confirmation had the following line;

Please note that the dress code is formal business wear.

Formal business wear. Three words I absolutely dread. Formal business wear means suit and tie. Now, as I've not yet begun my transition, I can't realistically go into a job as a female wearing unmistakably male clothing. This is something that has always been a problem for me in the past, it's something that has always held me back. I cannot bring myself to wear female clothing, I just cannot do it. It goes so against the grain of my being that I just cannot do it. So I've always worked in places that either supply a set uniform or have a casual dress code. This generally means that it's dead end jobs, no real prospects. Nothing that could really be called a career move.

So because of this, I had to cancel the assesment. When I was telling my parents about my descion and explaining the dress code to my father, I used the term 'suit and tie'. He replied with "well suit and tie isn't female formal business wear". Even though I know that he is unaware of my situation, it's still like a sledgehammer to the gut when someone says something like that to me.

My brother is due to be married in March 2010, now I'm very happy for him, he pretty much has it all sorted. I must admit I am very envious of him and the life he has had and the life that awaits him. The reason I bring this up is that my mother has begun dropping hints that she wants me to buy an outfit for his wedding. Now in her mind, she knows I'm "not girly" and that I won't wear a dress, so she wants me to get something like a trouser suit.

We've been here before. I have spent hours being dragged around various shops looking for an outfit to wear for a wedding/graduation/funeral/some formal occassion. As a teenager, I would actually end up having panic attacks in store while being subjected to this. Needless to say, it's not something I would care to repeat.

The thing with my mother is, she is very concered about how people perceive her and us as a family. I think she likes to have this notion of being a perfect family, happily married, 1 boy, 1 girl, 1 cat. She has often told me that my appearance is not acceptable, that I should make more of an effort to be attractive and take a pride in my appearence, as it reflects poorly on her. And this is what she's concerned about come the wedding. Am I going to turn up looking like a misfit and embaress her again?

On a side note, I remember quite specifically for her graduation, I had been made to get a trouser suit and after many hours we had found a pair of ladies shoes that sort of fitted me. They were too small really and fantastically uncomfortable. At that time (I'm not really up to speed on women's shoes nowadays) women's shoes were made to around a size 8. I take a men's size 9 or 10, so you can see the problems I had. So for the duration of the day, I was very uncomfortable in terms of poorly fitting clothes and that I was being made to wear girl's clothes. I don't really want to repeat that at my brother's wedding. As I keep telling her, it's not her big day and it's not my big day. No one's gonna be looking at me!

I'll try and bring this to a conclusion and share my thoughts a bit. I have never really taken 'a pride in my appearence'. I have never really tried to make myself attractive. All I wanted to do for years was disappear and not be noticed. Why would I want to make myself noticeable? I hated the body I was in, I didn't want to appear feminine, I didn't want to even exist. But now, with the prospect of actually transitioning, I'm starting to have a different point of view on the matter. I do want to be smartly dressed and appear attractive and look after myself. But I want to do it as a man!