'Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell'

I think I've neglected this blog long enough, time for an update!

I have been spending some time in a trans oriented room on Stickam (it's called FTM/MTF/Allies). There's alot of transguys on there, and I've found that by spending time with these guys has really boosted my confidence and desire to transition. Previously, having identified as a lesbian, I'd spend time in the company of lesbians. Being in their company, there wasn't the same kind of pro-trans feeling. It wasn't an issue for them, it wasn't something that was regularly or openly discussed, there wasn't the same feeling of 'I want to be like everyone else'. But being in the company of these guys and seeing how they're changing, I can't help but feel envious.

It's also nice being in the company of women (cis and transgendered) who are attracted to transguys. The problem with being in the company of lesbians would be, are they attracted to me as a man or as a woman? It's nice that it's not a hushed secret that will have to surface at some point and be a possible spanner in the works.

I have made the descion to transition. I don't have a realistic timescale for it yet, but I've atleast decided in my mind that I'm going to do it, rather than sitting on the fence. As unhappy as I am currently, there's still a safe, comfortable feeling in the familiar. Change is the one thing I'm absolutely desperate for, yet at the same time, I'm terrified of it.

So I wrote my comming out letter to my parents. It's only really a first draft that I'm sure I'll add to in time, but I feel like its a step forward. I feel like I've made a commitment to actually do this.

A friend I made on the chatroom, has moved back to Glasgow. It's my first real life trans friend, and it's nice to be able to spend time in the company of someone who know what I am, and respects that and is willing to talk openly about it. It's not a dirty subject, or something to be embaressed or scared about. He's offered to help me out, to be a support to me, as well as helping out with things like binders and an STP (stand to pee - a prosthetic). So that's a real big positive for me, it's making this seem so much more real, it's acually happening now. It will be nice to have someone whos going through the same thing, he's about 6 months on T (testosterone) and is noticing changes, it's nice to have someone to share and compare with, as daft as that sounds lol.

On the advice of a friend I've started shaving my face, just to try an encourage some hair growth. I guess I've been pretty lucky, I already have a slight fuzz, a few hairs on my chin and slight tache. So I've been shaving it and I'm getting some stubble now, I feel like I'm 13 years old and getting my first tache lol.

I've decided on a name too. It's a name I've always liked but had never actually considered it for myself. In reality, I doubt I will change my name, my first name that is. I'm fortunate enough to have a name that can be for both male and female. It's traditionally a Scottish male name, although recently it's become more popular as a girl's name, I still have the traditional male spelling. I guess this is for the benefit of friends and family, it will be enough of an upheaval to deal with as it is, atleast they won't have to try and get used to a new name too.

There's a special prize for the first person to name the song that the title of today's blog is taken from!