This was the topic for week 5 on the channel, to talk about our experiences and advice. For the post part, I haven't really used men's toilets alot. It's only really been within the last 6 months or so that I've really settled on the issue of transitioning. I was always on the fence before, and therefore I wasn't really making an effort to pass, including using guys' toilets. The last few months though, have afforded me little opportunity to use mens' toilets. But on the few occasions I have, I've not had any bother. I've actually had more bother using ladies' toilets. Women will stop and stare at you, ask each other if that was a guy, question you directly, it's ridiculous really, at times I have had to argue with women that I'm not in the wrong toilet.
One thing I've found with guys' toilets though is that they're generally pretty unpleasent. If it's a big establishment, like an office building or a hospital, it's not so bad. But a pub or club, they're usually pretty nasty. But then, guy's don't usually need to sit down... you get my drift.
Living at home (thanks recession!) makes it even more difficult to do things to help me pass. I don't know how I would explain to my mother about an STP which she would no doubt stumble upon at some point (my privacy is not top priority in this household).
My advice would be the same as everyone else's really. The men's room is not the place for eye contact or small talk, there's a particular etiquette. There's lots online about this, this is a fun little game you can try to test out your knowledge!
Videos for week 5 -
Showing posts with label passing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label passing. Show all posts
Monday, 8 February 2010
Sunday, 3 January 2010
That night...
I keep going over in my mind about the events of hogmany. The different attitude people had towards me, the girl who had her hands all over me all night, the (gay) guys who were eyeing me up and dancing up close by me, the staff at the bar serving drinks. For once, I wasn't viewed with suspicion or as just another big butch dyke. I was viewed as guy, and apparently a somewhat attractive one at that.
See, for years I've thought of myself as unattractive, reinforced by years of bullying and very little interest from girls. I've never really been much good at talking to girls like that, I never really had much confidence and then after a while I just stopped trying. So for years I got by as this asexual stone butch dyke who didn't 'go out on the pull'. After a while I realised I was transgendered, then I was this asexual wannabe transguy who didn't 'go out on the pull'. And so it has been for many years, I've been very lonely during this time, no companion, no intamacy, no support, no love, no girl.
That night was a turning point for me, the first step in a new (and a little scary) direction. That was the first time I'd worn a binder, the first time I'd made an effort to really pass, the first time someone had taken me as male and I hadn't needed to correct them.
There's a big grey patch in my life where nothing really happened, I was just existing, not living. I don't want to return to that, I don't want to be alone and unhappy, I want to be attractive to other people, I want a companion, I want to be happy. And now I've had a taste of it, I don't ever want to go back.
See, for years I've thought of myself as unattractive, reinforced by years of bullying and very little interest from girls. I've never really been much good at talking to girls like that, I never really had much confidence and then after a while I just stopped trying. So for years I got by as this asexual stone butch dyke who didn't 'go out on the pull'. After a while I realised I was transgendered, then I was this asexual wannabe transguy who didn't 'go out on the pull'. And so it has been for many years, I've been very lonely during this time, no companion, no intamacy, no support, no love, no girl.
That night was a turning point for me, the first step in a new (and a little scary) direction. That was the first time I'd worn a binder, the first time I'd made an effort to really pass, the first time someone had taken me as male and I hadn't needed to correct them.
There's a big grey patch in my life where nothing really happened, I was just existing, not living. I don't want to return to that, I don't want to be alone and unhappy, I want to be attractive to other people, I want a companion, I want to be happy. And now I've had a taste of it, I don't ever want to go back.
Friday, 1 January 2010
Oh Ten
So here it is, 2010. My resolution is to make a start on my transition, and in some small ways I already have. I got my binder in the post yesterday, ofcourse I tried it on straight away and it was a very good fit. I think I could have gotten away with the next size down, but still it's really very good.
As it was hogmany (new years eve) yesterday, I had planned to go out into the city and celebrate with friends, so I decided to try it out. I met up with some friends who also had some of their friends meet up with us, their friends were lesbians so we ended up going to a gay club. It would seem that the binder done the trick as I was just taken as a guy.
This really was a first for me, I haven't ever before purposefully intended to pass as male. It was really a new experience and to be honest, I enjoyed it, it was nice to be recognised as a guy for a change. The only thing I would say that I regret is not having an STP packer, I really did feel that something was missing (that and I was bursting for the toilet all night and didn't much like the look of the toilets in the cubicles!), I did get a bit close to (physically) to someone that night and it was a constant concern, what if she reaches for something thats not there?
Seeing my rather drunk friends interacting with strangers in the street, it made me realise how women perceive men. My friend Charlie had mentioned in a video about a discussion he had with a cisgendered female and how she was more aware of her surroundings and had an innate fear of strange men when out in public. I really saw this last night, women were somewhat more reluctant to interact with a strange male, some even turning away altogether. It's not something I've really experienced before, from such a personal viewpoint. Not that I am really the type to approach strangers in the street, but Glasgow is known as the friendly city and people usually respond well to being approached. But still, it made me realise, I'm no longer part of that group, I'm slowly but steadily loosing my connection, my ties if you will, with the female community, and with that I'm having to (to a degree) relearn behaviours. I'm seeing now how I would be percieved as a male and recognising now that behaviours towards women that cisgendered guys learn in their teens, I have to adopt myself.
In other news, my mother made me go shopping with her. As I mentioned before, she's bought me a trouser suit for my brother's wedding. She had also bought some awful blouse to go with it, which I point blank refused to even entertain the idea of wearing. So, we needed to get a replacement, I also needed to get a pair of shoes for the occasion. I'm pretty sure I've touched a little on the perils and pitfalls of trying to buy ladies shoes that will actually fit me, so this time we opted for a pair of men's shoes.
Now, this is a pretty significant milestone. My mother, who in the past gave me a bollocking for looking at men's shoes, was actually in the men's department of a clothes shop with me, looking at men's shoes and suggesting different pairs for me to try. Admitedly, I did steer us in that direction but only after she had exhausted the options in the ladies department, but none the less, she was there with me, quite happily looking at the clothes. I got a shirt for wearing with the suit, a men's shirt, which she did not complain about, I got the shoes, and I tried on a pair of trousers too. However, on entering the changing rooms, I was directed to the men's changing rooms. I didn't realise this at first, and my mother did try to call me back, but I indicated to her quietly not to make a scene as it would just be embaressing all round if I were to try and go into the ladies room and have to explain to the shop assistant. So she was initially somewhat ashen faced, but perked up when she saw me in the clothes (I think that kinda took her mind off it).
But I feel like this is a big step forward, I was explaining to her also about why I prefer to wear men's trousers, that the cut is better, more flattering. She countered by saying that women's clothes are cut for a female body shape, but the proof of the pudding is in the eating as they say. I look terrible in ladies trousers, I don't in men's. So I think I can count that as a victory of sorts, there was no unspoken awkwardness, no sense of shame in looking at male clothing.
That last line, kinda brings me into the something else that I've been thinking about recenetly. I've realised that I have a feeling of shame with regards my masculinity, and I think its been mostly fuelled by my mother. I see cisgendered guys with beards and body hair and masculine clothing and theres no shame there, yet I can't help but feel that although I long to look like that, in reality, there would be a sense of shame and embaressment about it around my family. I find myself being quite jelous of these guys. To hear my brother talking about being protective of his girlfriend, and my parents (my father especially) agreeing with him, I think, what if I was to talk like that? What if it was me sitting at the table with you all, talking about being protective of my girlfriend? Would you be so quick to agree? Would the topic even be open to discussion? Would it make you feel uncomfortable? I would myself feel uncomfortable discussing it with my family becuase of that sense of shame that's been put in place.
After years of bullying, I developed a rock hard outer shell, 'I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about me and they can fuck off if the don't like it'. I really don't want to use time and energy worrying about these things, it really matters nothing to me. I'm not going to change myself to make other people (this is excluding my family) happy, if someone has a problem with me, I really don't care. On a very few occasions, I have had altercations with people, some physical, but I am now at a point where I feel like I can handle anything. I've been experienced verbal, emotional, mental and physical violence, and I'm still standing. I now do not fear these things. This frame of mind has, I have found, eliminated alot of stress for me. I just don't worry about these things.
Unless it's with my parents, it's strange to me that they're the only people who have this effect on me. I don't fear violence from them, more the shame and awkwardness. I find that very difficult to deal with, I think I also fear to some degree, abandonment. They're who I turn to when I need help, not with matters that would be talked about, but physical needs.
Maybe that's whats scaring me so much? We don't talk about thoughts and feelings, I don't feel comfortable discussing those kind of things with them, I feel awkward and shameful. We never ever discuss sex, ever. And this, my transition, I guess to some degree, falls into that category, sexual organs, sexuality, masculinity, gender roles, things that are never discussed.
And then the ubiquitous sense of shame...
As it was hogmany (new years eve) yesterday, I had planned to go out into the city and celebrate with friends, so I decided to try it out. I met up with some friends who also had some of their friends meet up with us, their friends were lesbians so we ended up going to a gay club. It would seem that the binder done the trick as I was just taken as a guy.
This really was a first for me, I haven't ever before purposefully intended to pass as male. It was really a new experience and to be honest, I enjoyed it, it was nice to be recognised as a guy for a change. The only thing I would say that I regret is not having an STP packer, I really did feel that something was missing (that and I was bursting for the toilet all night and didn't much like the look of the toilets in the cubicles!), I did get a bit close to (physically) to someone that night and it was a constant concern, what if she reaches for something thats not there?
Seeing my rather drunk friends interacting with strangers in the street, it made me realise how women perceive men. My friend Charlie had mentioned in a video about a discussion he had with a cisgendered female and how she was more aware of her surroundings and had an innate fear of strange men when out in public. I really saw this last night, women were somewhat more reluctant to interact with a strange male, some even turning away altogether. It's not something I've really experienced before, from such a personal viewpoint. Not that I am really the type to approach strangers in the street, but Glasgow is known as the friendly city and people usually respond well to being approached. But still, it made me realise, I'm no longer part of that group, I'm slowly but steadily loosing my connection, my ties if you will, with the female community, and with that I'm having to (to a degree) relearn behaviours. I'm seeing now how I would be percieved as a male and recognising now that behaviours towards women that cisgendered guys learn in their teens, I have to adopt myself.
In other news, my mother made me go shopping with her. As I mentioned before, she's bought me a trouser suit for my brother's wedding. She had also bought some awful blouse to go with it, which I point blank refused to even entertain the idea of wearing. So, we needed to get a replacement, I also needed to get a pair of shoes for the occasion. I'm pretty sure I've touched a little on the perils and pitfalls of trying to buy ladies shoes that will actually fit me, so this time we opted for a pair of men's shoes.
Now, this is a pretty significant milestone. My mother, who in the past gave me a bollocking for looking at men's shoes, was actually in the men's department of a clothes shop with me, looking at men's shoes and suggesting different pairs for me to try. Admitedly, I did steer us in that direction but only after she had exhausted the options in the ladies department, but none the less, she was there with me, quite happily looking at the clothes. I got a shirt for wearing with the suit, a men's shirt, which she did not complain about, I got the shoes, and I tried on a pair of trousers too. However, on entering the changing rooms, I was directed to the men's changing rooms. I didn't realise this at first, and my mother did try to call me back, but I indicated to her quietly not to make a scene as it would just be embaressing all round if I were to try and go into the ladies room and have to explain to the shop assistant. So she was initially somewhat ashen faced, but perked up when she saw me in the clothes (I think that kinda took her mind off it).
But I feel like this is a big step forward, I was explaining to her also about why I prefer to wear men's trousers, that the cut is better, more flattering. She countered by saying that women's clothes are cut for a female body shape, but the proof of the pudding is in the eating as they say. I look terrible in ladies trousers, I don't in men's. So I think I can count that as a victory of sorts, there was no unspoken awkwardness, no sense of shame in looking at male clothing.
That last line, kinda brings me into the something else that I've been thinking about recenetly. I've realised that I have a feeling of shame with regards my masculinity, and I think its been mostly fuelled by my mother. I see cisgendered guys with beards and body hair and masculine clothing and theres no shame there, yet I can't help but feel that although I long to look like that, in reality, there would be a sense of shame and embaressment about it around my family. I find myself being quite jelous of these guys. To hear my brother talking about being protective of his girlfriend, and my parents (my father especially) agreeing with him, I think, what if I was to talk like that? What if it was me sitting at the table with you all, talking about being protective of my girlfriend? Would you be so quick to agree? Would the topic even be open to discussion? Would it make you feel uncomfortable? I would myself feel uncomfortable discussing it with my family becuase of that sense of shame that's been put in place.
After years of bullying, I developed a rock hard outer shell, 'I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about me and they can fuck off if the don't like it'. I really don't want to use time and energy worrying about these things, it really matters nothing to me. I'm not going to change myself to make other people (this is excluding my family) happy, if someone has a problem with me, I really don't care. On a very few occasions, I have had altercations with people, some physical, but I am now at a point where I feel like I can handle anything. I've been experienced verbal, emotional, mental and physical violence, and I'm still standing. I now do not fear these things. This frame of mind has, I have found, eliminated alot of stress for me. I just don't worry about these things.
Unless it's with my parents, it's strange to me that they're the only people who have this effect on me. I don't fear violence from them, more the shame and awkwardness. I find that very difficult to deal with, I think I also fear to some degree, abandonment. They're who I turn to when I need help, not with matters that would be talked about, but physical needs.
Maybe that's whats scaring me so much? We don't talk about thoughts and feelings, I don't feel comfortable discussing those kind of things with them, I feel awkward and shameful. We never ever discuss sex, ever. And this, my transition, I guess to some degree, falls into that category, sexual organs, sexuality, masculinity, gender roles, things that are never discussed.
And then the ubiquitous sense of shame...
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