Monday 28 December 2009

The Ultimatum

My brother is getting married in the new year, I'm sure I've mentioned this before. Well, my mother has given me an ultimatum. I can either wear a ladies trouser suit and attend the wedding, or not attend the wedding. I only have one brother, and I doubt he'll ever be married twice, but regardless, this is a pretty big thing and because he is my brother and I love him, I don't want to miss it. However, this ultimatum is causing some problems.

I really don't want to wear women's clothes. My mother stopped dressing me a long time ago, and I finally was able, to some degree, to express myself. But every now and again, something like this comes up and me, being the girl, am expected to dress appropriately.

I don't like dressing up. Nights out, I don't do it, I don't have any nice clothes like that, I don't get dressed up. Quite frankly I wouldn't really know how. I don't have any practice in that kind of thing. All my clothing buys have been to disguise my female body and make me feel comfortable. A ladies trouser suit to me is like a straitjacket. I really don't want to wear it.

As I'm rubbish at shopping for clothes, and to be honest I don't enjoy it (changing rooms, funny looks, 'is that a girl buying men's clothes?'), my mother has been scouring the shops for a trouser suit for me to wear. Unfortunately she's found something.

Trying on the clothes, I can't help but feel almost like a petulant child. I instantly go into a bad mood, I want to throw a tantrum, I want to express my horror at having to wear these clothes, I want to tear them to shreds. She pre-empted this by telling me I won't like them, that I'll think they look stupid and it's too bad as that's all there is. So atleast she understands I'm not a willing party to this.

Now, I'm a fairly stoic type, 4 emotions, I don't cry easily, infact I rarely cry (the last time I really cried was on finding my boy Ninja dead at the side of the road), but this had me with a lump in my throat. It really upsets me that much, but I can't tell her that. I can't tell her why I'm reacting like I am. It's not because I'm trying to be selfish or difficult. I can't tell her this, so I end up getting defensive, which means I get angry and go on the attack. I can deal with a big shouting match easier than I can trying on these clothes. But she doesn't know that, so it's just chalked up to me and and my bad attitude, like so many things in my life, trans bullshit interpreted as selfishness.

I don't know how she hasn't figured it out yet, I wonder if she attibutes it to me 'being gay' (for those not in the know, this is the 'official' stance with my parents). Although masculinity and sexuality are two different things entirely, I wonder if she's aware of that?

The things I do to keep this woman happy and she doesn't even realise.

Thursday 17 December 2009

Changes

I am what I am. I can't change who or what I am. My brain works a certain way, it's capable of absract thought, planning things, imagining a better life, understanding mechanics, handling vehicles, spatial awareness, there's certain things it does well and there's certain things it doesn't.

I'm not good at cooking, I'm really rather rubbish at it to be honest. I can't think about preparing food, cooking it and providing a meal. I'm not very good at keeping up with the cleaning either, I will literally wear every stitch of clothing I own before I do a washing. It doesn't occur to me to dust down furniture, or wash dishes, or 'help out around the house'.

I was brought up in a very traditional style household. When we were children, my mother was a 'stay at home mum', she didn't work and stayed home to care for us. My mother decided when I was in my early teens to go back to college & university. This meant that she would not be at home when we came home from school. So, being the daughter, I was instructed to peel a pot of potatos and put it on to boil each night. I hated this. My brother was not instructed to do any kind of housework. I often complained about this, "why me and not him?" this was put down to me being selfish. I would often forget about the potoatos and they'd burn (this is part of the reason I don't cook, I actually burnt a pot of water once).

My mum would often give me a bollocking, 'why don't I help her more?' 'why doesn't it occur to me to do these things?' 'she helped her mother when she was growing up, why can't I?' 'what's wrong with me?'. I don't know why, I don't know why it doesn't occur to me to play the submissive role of the little housewife and provide meals for the men of the house. I don't know why my brain doesn't work that way, it just doesn't.

They tell me that I'm selfish, but I don't think I am. I take into account the comfort and feelings of other people all the time. I take into account their comfort and feelings when it comes to transitioning. Is it selfish that I force myself to live my life 'with the sound turned down' to try and make them more comfortable? They don't see how much I am supressing my true self for them. Because I'm wrong and their right, I'm selfish and their not.

It's not selfish of them to constantly try to force me to change myself, to put pressure on me to do things that I don't want to, to refuse to accept that I'm not a liar, to refuse to take my feelings into consideration, to treat me like a 2nd class citizen, to talk to me like I'm either mentally retarded or a piece of shit. No, it's not selfish at all, is it?

Monday 14 December 2009

The Sandyford

I had the opportunity to visit the clinic in Glasgow that deals with transgender treatment, it's one of only two in Scotland. My friend who moved back to Glasgow, had been having some abdominal pains and was concerned it was related to his hormone treatment. They didn't think it was anything too serious. However, it was a bit of an eye opener for me. It made it seem so much more real, I was in the clinic that I'd only ever read about and was talking to a real life doctor who was well versed in matters of transgenderism (the clinic is called The Sandyford).

I was very impressed with the attitude of the doctor, he seemed genuinely interested, not at all dismissive or critical, he was happy to answer questions and discuss things. I had a hundred questions in my head I could have asked him, but it was my friend's appointment! He had a gynecologist come in and consult with him, who was also brilliant. It made me feel alot more comfortable about coming to the clinc in future myself.

During the appointment, my friend had refered to me as 'he', and at one point the doctor had asked my name, at the time I had given my birth name (which in Scotland is traditionally a boy's name but has been more popularly used as a girl's name in recent years) but he didn't question this. As I've said before my options right now for passing are somewhat limited, but I think he just assumed that I was also transgendered. At the end of the appointment, I had asked him where the bathroom was, and he directed me to the men's toilets, it was nice to have someone direct me to the men's room without the usual awkwardness.

On a side note, I've just ordered my first proper binder! It's the M1300 from T-Kingdom, with shipping included it was just under £35. Not a bad price for what a friend has recommended as being a good binder. I don't expect I'll see it before the new year though with the christmas post. But that's ok, I've waited this long, what's a few more weeks?

Saturday 12 December 2009

Father of The Bride

I'm watching Father of The Bride, it's one of my dad's favourite films. I wonder if it's because it's how he would have liked me to turn out. When I watch the film, I can't help but feel a pang of jelousy, the girl in the film, Annie, has such a great relationship with her father. Although I don't want to have a father/daughter relationship with my dad, I'd still have liked to have had a relationship with him.

My dad isn't a normal guy. He's not into normal guy stuff. He doesn't drink or smoke, he doesn't go to the pub, he doesn't play or have an active interest in any sports, he doesn't have any hobbies or interests that I could engage in with him. As I've said before, he's a minister of religion, this seems to be the only thing he has an active interest in. That and Fraiser.

Any time I try to engage him in conversation, regardless of the subject, he doesn't reciprocate. He will just look at me and nod his head 'till I stop talking. He never talks to me about things unless there's a motive. For example, he will ask me about the progress of the sale of my flat, not out of curiosity, but concern from a financial standpoint (they're helping me out financially while I'm trying to find full time work). The rest of the time he approaches me in an aggressive manner, to either give me a bollocking, an order or to insult me.

When I see how he is with my brother, it really is the complete opposite to how he is with me. He has all the time in the world for him, he would sit and talk with him about the various dramatic goings on at my brother's work, how his thai boxing classes were going, his friends, normal things that you talk about with your family. But then, my brother is the blue eyed boy, he's turned out alright, got the degree, the good job, the nice car, the fiance. The other day I overheard him on the phone with my brother, he was telling my dad about the BJJ classes he's attending now, I heard my dad say "you don't need to tell me that to make me proud of you". He never says he's proud of me. But then, what have I done for him to be proud of?

So, I've pretty much given up trying to have any kind of a relationship with him, which hurts me.

I wouldn't say my dad has been much of a role model to me, if anything, I'd say he's been an example of how not to be. I can't honestly bring to mind anything that he's taught me to do, simple things, like car maintenence or small scale home DIY. For a minister, he hasn't been a very good teacher. Now, I like to think that I'm quite knowledgeable and practical. I can do most things, practical things, like changing a wheel on a car, or tuning in a TV, or putting up shelves. But all of these things, I've had to figure out myself, I didn't have a dad that was willing to 'take me under his wing' and show me these things.

As a child, he didn't spend much time playing with us, we didn't have alot of money when we were growing up so days out were rare, but we didn't notice as kids. But still, you don't need to spend money to spend time with your kids.

I've never really had someone that I looked up to, I've never really had a strong alpha male role model that I could emulate and learn from. Which makes me wonder how I've managed to become the person that I am, why I have the values and principles that I do, why I am who I am. The expression 'self made man' comes to mind, it would seem that it applies on more than one level.

I almost want to say 'when I grow up I want to be...', even though I'm 27, I still feel like I'm waiting for my adult life to really start. I want to settle down one day, I want to start a family of my own, I want to have kids, I want to be married, I want to be the father of he bride one day. I want to provide a home for my family, safety and security, a happy family, to worry about the kids when they're out late, to take them to the gym with me, to the kids classes and get them involved in a sport, to spend days out with them, to be everything to them that my dad wasn't to me.

I want my life to begin already!

Goodness knows I've got alot of catching up to do...

FTM UK & The T Word



FTM UK
FTM UK on YouTube
The T Word
The T Word on YouTube

Saturday 5 December 2009

XY or XL?

The other night I was talking with my friend, the guy who moved back to Glasgow. He told me about the various tests that can be done to see if your XX or XY. This kinda got me thinking again. I wonder if there is some kind of biological indicator for me to say that there's something 'wrong'.

I took a test once, when I was a student, it was a psychology test to determine the type of brain I had, male type or female type. Funnily enough, it told me I have a male type brain.

As I'm catching up with friends' youtube videos and hearing them describe the changes that their seeing, early on in their transition, within the first 6 to 8 weeks I'd say, I'm realising that alot of those changes have already happened to me. I'm hairy in places females wouldn't normally be (the backs of my hands and fingers for example), in my teens I had the uncomfortable feeling in my throat and a cracked voice before it dropped (I'd call this my voice breaking but others have disagreed), the muscles in my arms and shoulders bulked up a bit and I noticed veins and tendons becoming more prominent in my forearms, an insatiable hunger (*I* ate all the pies) and other wee things like that.

I'm actually kinda hoping that there is something there that a test will pick up on. Something scientific, something that I can say is proof that I should have been born male, that it's not just all in my head.

Attitudes towards mental health in the UK, Scotland anyway, are somewhat dated. We don't have the same kind of 'therapy culture' that the states does. I have never spoken to a therapist, it's never been suggested to me, I've never had any kind of mental health issues diagnosed, I've never had anyone pick up on my depression. I can remember one time in particular, trying to tell my mum I felt depressed, and she just sort of shrugged it off. I don't believe it was in a callous manner, but just because she really cannot understand it, she has no concept of these things. Another occassion that comes to mind in my teens, I had tried to tell her that I felt lonely, being single, and was depressed by that. Again, she didn't engage me in the conversation, she didn't know what to say.

I think this is part of the reason why I'm reluctant to come out to my parents. I've never been able to talk about things like this with them in the past. It's always been forced and awkward. As I've mentioned before, my coming out to my parents was quite traumatic. Since then, I think I could count on one hand the number of times my being gay has been mentioned. They have never met any girlfriends, they no nothing about my sex life, not that parents need to know everything, but they know absolutely nothing. They've never asked and I don't particularly want to volunteer the information.

I don't really know where this post is going. It's just a bit of brain leakage I think. It's been a busy couple of weeks and I'm not very articulate today. As my school report card always used to say "must try harder".

FTM UK

I have decided to make an FTM support forum. I know there's a few online already, but when I googled FTM support groups in Scotland, the results were fairly slim. I couldn't find anything in the Glasgow area specifically. This is something I've always found online, I'm the only brit in a sea of americans. Not that I'm complaining, but it's nice to make contact with someone who lives 10 minutes away instead of 10 hours.

So I made FTM UK, it is a UK based FTM forum, and I specifically put the UK in the title to try and attract fellow brits. However, this is not to say that folks from outside the UK aren't welcome! So this is an open invite to whomever is reading, regardless of how you ID, if your FTM, intersex or even just consider yourself an ally, you're very welcome to come along and say hello.

FTM UK Forum

Sunday 22 November 2009

Them

I hate them. I despise them. I abhor them. I can't think of a word strong enough to describe my contempt for therm. The wretched monthly slap in the face from mother nature that goes 'YOUR'E STILL A WOMAN!'. I fucking loathe them.

Except for me, it's not always every month, sometimes it's sooner, I long for the day it's never. I suffer with them, not just the wretched indignity of bleeding uncontrollably, the embarrassment and mental anguish, but I get alot of physical pain. The women in my family have always suffered alot with them. I get sickness and diarrhoea, my gut is just completely thrown out of sync, I can't seem to stay warm and I pretty much loose the will to live.

I have absolutely zero desire to be pregnant. The concept is entirely alien to me, I just want these wretched organs gone, I have absolutely no need for them. That's not to say I wouoldn't like a family one day, but even as a child, I knew I would never be pregnant.

Now, when it comes to work, as I've mentioned the kind of work I want to do is a heavy physical job. It's what would typically be catagorised as "man's work". Being female bodied, I'm immediately considered to be at a disadvantage. I have to work against that. So, calling in sick for a week, every three weeks because it feels like my guts are falling out, is not an option.

Bio guys really have no idea just how lucky they are.

Saturday 21 November 2009

The T Word

I've been spending alot of time on you tube recently, with there being such a big FTM community on there, I've had alot of catching up to do. One of my friends posted a video about starting a collaborative channel for transguys on there as many of the current collab channels don't have any openings right now.

But this got me thinking, I'm not a big fan of making videos. As I've said before, I find it easier to get my point across in a blog. But in my time online, I haven't seen (not to say there aren't any!) a collaborative blogs for transguys. So I decided to make one.

It's called The T Word, original I know! But this is an invite to whomever is reading to have a look, and if your a transguy, to contribute also. So please do pass on the link to others and help to spread the word a bit.

thetwordblog.blogspot.com
twitter.com/TheTWordBlog

Friday 20 November 2009

I feel like I'm going to die

I wanted to keep this separate from the previous entry, I'm sure you all don't mind!

I received in the post today, two Underworks binders that a friend had very kindly sent to me. I had been waiting for them to arrive for about a month (they had travelled across an ocean!), so I was pretty excited when they did arrive. Now I'm pretty big built, my ribs/chest are about 40" around, so when my friend said the size he had ordered (large) was intended to fit someone with a 40" - 44" chest, I thought they would do me fine!

How wrong I was. I barely managed to get the binder over my shoulders, at this point, it bunched up around the top of my ribs and just under my arms. Given that it is incredibly small and doesn't have much elasticity, it immediately started to crush my ribs. This had the unpleasant sensation of imminent death.

I have heard other guys say that they have had similar problems with Underworks and that they have had to modify binders to get them to work. But if they're designs are so small that something designed to fit a 44" chest is basically impossible to get on a 40" chest, I wouldn't recommend them.

Dirty Words

So, as I'm sure I mentioned before, I'm not in regular work at the moment. I recently got my class 2 entitlement on my driving licence, this means I can drive large goods vehicles (LGV). Now I have worked in the past as a delivery driver, but the majority of my working history is in call centres. My preference really is to work in a driving job, the freedom you have is just wonderful. Now, I'll admit it, I'm biased, I think Scotland is the most beautiful country in the world. So to be paid to spend my days driving around it, to me, really is a dream job.

Call centres on the other hand are about as depressing as you can get. It is absolutely souless work. Stuck in front of a grimy computer in a bland office building, talking to people who don't want to be talking to you, trying to hit unachievable targets, selling something you really don't care about and pretending that you're upbeat and actually give a shit. I hate it. And I mean that in the absolute strongest sense of the word.

I've been looking for driving work lately, although with this recession there's not alot of work going. Also the fact that I haven't had alot of experience in this field of work, means I'm not exactly top pick for the few jobs that are going. So, recently I've started applying to call centres again. I always said I didn't want to go back to call centre work (and I still don't!), but I'm running out of time and options.

So enough of the background! I'll get to the point of my post. I heard back from one of the call centres that had I applied to, they called me and I passed the telephone interview and agreed to attend a further assesment. The email that I received with the confirmation had the following line;

Please note that the dress code is formal business wear.

Formal business wear. Three words I absolutely dread. Formal business wear means suit and tie. Now, as I've not yet begun my transition, I can't realistically go into a job as a female wearing unmistakably male clothing. This is something that has always been a problem for me in the past, it's something that has always held me back. I cannot bring myself to wear female clothing, I just cannot do it. It goes so against the grain of my being that I just cannot do it. So I've always worked in places that either supply a set uniform or have a casual dress code. This generally means that it's dead end jobs, no real prospects. Nothing that could really be called a career move.

So because of this, I had to cancel the assesment. When I was telling my parents about my descion and explaining the dress code to my father, I used the term 'suit and tie'. He replied with "well suit and tie isn't female formal business wear". Even though I know that he is unaware of my situation, it's still like a sledgehammer to the gut when someone says something like that to me.

My brother is due to be married in March 2010, now I'm very happy for him, he pretty much has it all sorted. I must admit I am very envious of him and the life he has had and the life that awaits him. The reason I bring this up is that my mother has begun dropping hints that she wants me to buy an outfit for his wedding. Now in her mind, she knows I'm "not girly" and that I won't wear a dress, so she wants me to get something like a trouser suit.

We've been here before. I have spent hours being dragged around various shops looking for an outfit to wear for a wedding/graduation/funeral/some formal occassion. As a teenager, I would actually end up having panic attacks in store while being subjected to this. Needless to say, it's not something I would care to repeat.

The thing with my mother is, she is very concered about how people perceive her and us as a family. I think she likes to have this notion of being a perfect family, happily married, 1 boy, 1 girl, 1 cat. She has often told me that my appearance is not acceptable, that I should make more of an effort to be attractive and take a pride in my appearence, as it reflects poorly on her. And this is what she's concerned about come the wedding. Am I going to turn up looking like a misfit and embaress her again?

On a side note, I remember quite specifically for her graduation, I had been made to get a trouser suit and after many hours we had found a pair of ladies shoes that sort of fitted me. They were too small really and fantastically uncomfortable. At that time (I'm not really up to speed on women's shoes nowadays) women's shoes were made to around a size 8. I take a men's size 9 or 10, so you can see the problems I had. So for the duration of the day, I was very uncomfortable in terms of poorly fitting clothes and that I was being made to wear girl's clothes. I don't really want to repeat that at my brother's wedding. As I keep telling her, it's not her big day and it's not my big day. No one's gonna be looking at me!

I'll try and bring this to a conclusion and share my thoughts a bit. I have never really taken 'a pride in my appearence'. I have never really tried to make myself attractive. All I wanted to do for years was disappear and not be noticed. Why would I want to make myself noticeable? I hated the body I was in, I didn't want to appear feminine, I didn't want to even exist. But now, with the prospect of actually transitioning, I'm starting to have a different point of view on the matter. I do want to be smartly dressed and appear attractive and look after myself. But I want to do it as a man!

Monday 16 November 2009

I am butch, hear me blog!

I hadn't planned on making another entry so soon after my last one, but I'm playing catch up with my friend's you tube videos and one such video reignited a train of thought.

I have been spending time on twitter, and through there I have found a number of butch lesbian resources. I remember when I identified as a lesbian, there was so few websites online that really catered to us. The particular site I found was called Butch Voices, the front page has the following;

We are Butch Voices

We are woman-identified Butches. We are trans-masculine Studs. We are faggot-identified Aggressives. We are noun Butches, adjective Studs and pronoun-shunning Aggressives. We are she, he, hy, ze, zie and hir. We are you, and we are me. The point is, we don’t decide who is Butch, Stud or Aggressive. You get to decide for yourself.


This got me thinking. When I moved from identifiying as a lesbian to identifying as an FTM, I left behind the butch tag too. It didn't occur to me at the time that I could be FTM and butch at the same time. On clicking the link to this site, I assumed it was aimed at butch lesbians and that it would not directly appeal to me. That the butch lebsians are one camp and the FTMs another, and they don't mix well. But on reading that statement, it made me realise, my masculinity is not defined by the fact that I'm FTM.

I am both FTM and Butch.

In my friend's video, he talks about not wanting to be defined as either male or female, about the fact that he liked wearing make up, that he doesn't want to wear boy jeans, that he wants to be androgynous. I also watched an interview with an FTM, who talks about being a rather camp and effeminate gay man (I will try and find out their name!), and how they were also confused by this.

In the cisgendered community, there is varying levels of masculinity in bio males. Why should we be any different? Why should an FTM be considered any less male than any other FTM? We are all individuals, the level of our masculinity should not mean that we are excluded from the queer community. The beauty of our community is the uniqueness of the members and the fact that we accept each other for that individuality. No one should ever feel they are not 'butch enough'.

Transgendered Blah
Transgendered Blah Part 2

Nature vs Nurture - Round 1

So I've been doing some thinking, a dangerous prospect I know(!). But on the matter of being transgendered, and why does it happen. I'm a christian, I believe that we have a soul, and that which we call gender ties in with your soul. That at the point of conception, the soul makes contact with the foetus, and that your soul has a predetermined gender and that's what you grow into, a girl or a boy.

I know alot of people don't believe that gender is just black and white, male and female, but I do. As I said, I'm a christian, I believe that God made man and woman, those two types, the masculine and the feminine and that they should come together to make a whole, to be yin to the other's yang.

Now most folks are fortunate enough that during their development, their body develops in-line with their gender, and everything turns out ok. But I did wonder, as all foetuses start out as female (and I believe it's around 8 weeks that the foetus will then either develop into a male or a female), if the problem lies there. What if I didn't get enough testosterone in the womb? What if the MTF girls got too much? What if it is really as simple as a matter of biology?

I couldn't blame my upbringing for making me this way, nothing about my childhood influenced me to be male, infact, quite the opposite. I was forever turned out in dresses and pretty outfits, given dolls to play with, the typical girly upbringing. Yet despite all those outside influences, I still wanted to play with my brother's GI Joe, not the Rainbow Sprite that was left gathering dust in the corner. During my awkward teenage years, when all the girls were becoming young women and developing an interest in things of a feminine nature, I was turning into the Humpback of Notre Dame, because I wanted to be masculine, but that wasn't allowed, so I was forced to try and find some kind of middle line that equated to being looked upon as a freak.

Which leads me to discount nurture as the cause of this. There are so many medical birth defects that can occur, who's to say that this isn't just another? I guess the problem is that it's not something that can be diagnosed with a physical examination or a blood test. It's something only that person will be able to determine and over a number of years.

It's just something thats been swirling around in my mind these last couple of days. I honestly do not believe that being transgendered is a mental health issue. I believe it really is just a matter of biology.

On a side note, I made a you tube account. There's such a big trans community on there, I thought it was about time I got involved. I don't plan on uploading any videos just now. I think I'll use it to record my transition once I actually start T, to record physical changes and things. I will still use this blog for thoughts and ramblings. I like being able to articulate myself and say exactly what I want to say and change some thing if I don't like it. I can be more concise here than staring at a camera and saying "um" for 10 minutes.

So... um.... yknow.... add me!

www.youtube.com/user/becomingkeltik

Sunday 15 November 2009

Bear with me here...

Ok, so two posts in two days isn't typical for me, I have a few things in my mind that I want to get out. They're not overly trans oriented, but then pretty much every thought I have nowadays has a tie to being transgendered, and it's my blog, so I can post about it!

I'm in a relatively positive frame of mind right now. I've just watched the event UFC 105 and I'm currently watching the latest episode of The Ultimate Fighter. I'm a big MMA (mixed martial arts) fan. So much so that I actually train in the sport, and have been for about a year and a half now. During my years of being bullied, I had pretty much become a recluse. I comfort/boredom ate, and I gained alot of weight. At my heaviest I was about 20 stone (280lbs), although fortunately with my build I never looked as bad as that sounds. But with attending the gym and trying to improve my diet, I've come down to about 17 stone (240lbs), which im pleased with, but I would still like to loose another 3 or 4 stone (about 40lbs).

I'll explain a little about the gym also. It's such a big part of my life now, I have made friends there and it has given me a social outlet and a hobby where previously there was none. When I joined, there was no other 'girls' training. I was the only one, however I never at any point was made to feel unwelcome or any different to any of the guys. After having spent so many years being bullied, I now have an attitude of 'not taking shit from anyone', I am able to appear confident and outgoing, which I believe has helped me to be accepted. The gym policy is also one of mutual respect for all. Anyone showing disrespect is swiftly dealt with.

I train along side the guys, I lift the same weights as they do, I perform the same excersices (although some out of sheer poor fitness I am unable to, but I'm working on that!), I attend the same classes and I learn the same techniques. I spar with the guys, work pads with the guys, I'm basically accepted and treated as one of the guys.

Although recently due to financial issues I have not been able to afford to attend the classes, and I am sorely missing them! I'm currently not working, which in itself is very depressing. Due to my lack of income, I'm now selling my flat, however in today's market, that's taking a little longer than I'd like. So in an effort to save money and leave my flat in viewable condition, I've been living in my parents' spare room. They've also agreed to take in my cat as the address I plan to move to currently houses a dog, and they just wouldn't get along.

So, being at home again is difficult, there is a return to previous attitudes and behaviours, which don't help my situation, only worsen it. It's depressing enough as it is to find work during a recession, without having constant pressure and stress applied at home.

So the property I'm moving to is my gran's 3 bed house. She passed away a couple of years ago, leaving my two uncles who lived with her. Once she passed, one of my uncles moved out, the other stayed. The unce who stayed, that I plan to move in with, doesn't work. He's an alcoholic and has health issues relating to that. He's kinda old school, but he's cool. He spent time with us as kids and we always got on well, so he was happy to take me in now. He asked me recently, just kinda off the cuff, if I was gay. As the official stance is telling none of my family im trans, I told him yes. I think he was a little surprised but after a minute make a joke encouraging me to bring girlfriends home for him to meet.

I'm looking forward to getting moved in and settled down. There's alot of happy memories for me at that house. At my flat, I'm not at all familiar with the area. The same is true of my parent's house. I didn't go to school here, I don't have childhood friends from the area, I've never explored the area like you do as a kid with friends. I don't really feel like I'm 'home' here. But I know the area my gran's house is in, I don't have the same uncertainty as I do here. There are things of interest there for me that are within walking or biking distance. I have family close by there too. I'm not as isolated or have same need for a car living there.

So, it seems like I'm going off on a tangent here, but I'm coming to a point! I'm looking forward to selling up, being free of a financial burden, being able to move out and be settled and having the burden of my parents greatly reduced, to being able to focus properly on finding work, to be living in a house that's big enough to house excersice equipment (that my flat was too small for), and having the time and energy to focus on excersice and eating a proper diet instead of cardboard food, and to be able to start working on making my body look how I really want it to look.

Now, if I could just sell that damn flat!

Saturday 14 November 2009

'Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell'

I think I've neglected this blog long enough, time for an update!

I have been spending some time in a trans oriented room on Stickam (it's called FTM/MTF/Allies). There's alot of transguys on there, and I've found that by spending time with these guys has really boosted my confidence and desire to transition. Previously, having identified as a lesbian, I'd spend time in the company of lesbians. Being in their company, there wasn't the same kind of pro-trans feeling. It wasn't an issue for them, it wasn't something that was regularly or openly discussed, there wasn't the same feeling of 'I want to be like everyone else'. But being in the company of these guys and seeing how they're changing, I can't help but feel envious.

It's also nice being in the company of women (cis and transgendered) who are attracted to transguys. The problem with being in the company of lesbians would be, are they attracted to me as a man or as a woman? It's nice that it's not a hushed secret that will have to surface at some point and be a possible spanner in the works.

I have made the descion to transition. I don't have a realistic timescale for it yet, but I've atleast decided in my mind that I'm going to do it, rather than sitting on the fence. As unhappy as I am currently, there's still a safe, comfortable feeling in the familiar. Change is the one thing I'm absolutely desperate for, yet at the same time, I'm terrified of it.

So I wrote my comming out letter to my parents. It's only really a first draft that I'm sure I'll add to in time, but I feel like its a step forward. I feel like I've made a commitment to actually do this.

A friend I made on the chatroom, has moved back to Glasgow. It's my first real life trans friend, and it's nice to be able to spend time in the company of someone who know what I am, and respects that and is willing to talk openly about it. It's not a dirty subject, or something to be embaressed or scared about. He's offered to help me out, to be a support to me, as well as helping out with things like binders and an STP (stand to pee - a prosthetic). So that's a real big positive for me, it's making this seem so much more real, it's acually happening now. It will be nice to have someone whos going through the same thing, he's about 6 months on T (testosterone) and is noticing changes, it's nice to have someone to share and compare with, as daft as that sounds lol.

On the advice of a friend I've started shaving my face, just to try an encourage some hair growth. I guess I've been pretty lucky, I already have a slight fuzz, a few hairs on my chin and slight tache. So I've been shaving it and I'm getting some stubble now, I feel like I'm 13 years old and getting my first tache lol.

I've decided on a name too. It's a name I've always liked but had never actually considered it for myself. In reality, I doubt I will change my name, my first name that is. I'm fortunate enough to have a name that can be for both male and female. It's traditionally a Scottish male name, although recently it's become more popular as a girl's name, I still have the traditional male spelling. I guess this is for the benefit of friends and family, it will be enough of an upheaval to deal with as it is, atleast they won't have to try and get used to a new name too.

There's a special prize for the first person to name the song that the title of today's blog is taken from!

Friday 23 October 2009

Introduction

I don't know how much I'll use this journal, I don't know if I will ever be able to begin to transition. I made this account as a record of trans related stuff. The kind of thing I wouldn't really put in my regular journal. I may make this public, I may not, I don't know yet. But incase I do make it public, here's a little background on me.

I'm 27 years old, I was born in Glasgow, Scotland and have lived in Scotland all my life. I call myself FTM, but to be fair, I am transgendered, I have not started hormones and I have not had surgery, although I would like to one day. I am about 5'10", and I have been quite lucky in that I don't have a typically female build, my voice is also quite low and I often pass without effort. I have lived with both my parents until the age of 25, they never split or divorced. I have one younger brother, who also lived with us. My parents are religious, my dad is a baptist minister, and they are both quite traditional in their values, and generally quite stoic when it comes to feelings and emotions. Sex was almost never mentioned in the family, I had the 'birds and bees' talk when I was very young, I guess they wanted to get it out the way early on.

Around the age of 13, I kinda figured out that I was gay. I liked girls, and someone had told us that there was such a thing as being gay, so I put 2 and 2 together, and got 3 and a half. It seemed right, but not quite. Shortly after I figured this out, I was forced to come out to my mother by my father. That was pretty traumatic, I remember standing in the corner of the hall, crying, and him shouting at me, demanding to know why I didn't dress more like a girl.

Now, at this time, I was being bullied quite badly. The bullying went on for pretty much the whole 6 years we lived at that address, both at school at my house. I remember one occasion, early on, when I had had an altercation with the 'lead bully' (who lived 2 doors away), my dad shouting at me, and asking me 'what had I done to cause him to act like that with me? because I have a habit of rubbing people up the wrong way'. This is typical of the attitude my dad has towards me.

So, after a while, I can't remember how long, my mother interviened and spoke to me in my room. I somehow managed to get out the confession to her that I thought I was gay. This ofcourse broke her heart, she started crying, and I asked her not to tell my dad. She agreed and said she would tell him that I had agreed to make more of an effort to be more feminine.

The type of bullying I received was based largely on my physical appearence. I was not feminine, I worse trousers instead of a skirt, I was awkward and perceived as being gay. The school didn't do alot to help. I believe my dad wrote some letters to the head teacher, I think they offered to move me from my class, but that would have meant leaving the few friends I did have. Altogether, it was a really shitty time for me. We moved to that address around age 10, and left around age 16. So I spent my puberty going through the hell of being bullied.

Around the age of 18, my dad caught me on gay.com, he again had me cornered and forced me to tell him why I was on that site. He actually gave me a hug this time, and told me that they would still love me. This is a pretty rare moment of affection from him. I remember a couple of years after, again being trapped by him (now when I say trapped, I don't mean being held physcially, I mean being told not to move and being verbally attacked) and being told that he 'didn't care what I thought I was, I was not going to be allowed to hurt my mother any more by dressing as I did'.

I have never gotten along with my father, he is very stubborn, very stoic, very much the authority figure. He is a control freak, and doesn't trust me at all. As a child, we would be 'smacked', this continued into my teenage years, although it wasn't like a slap on the back of the legs, it would be a full throttle rage, being slapped around the head and body. I remember a number of occasions, my mum and brother interviening. The problem is, I am also very stubborn, and I refuse absolutely to give in to him. My mum describes us as 'two bulls going head to head'.

That's a fairly breif version of an introduction, and a start at explaining some of my family influence and experience and an insight into why I may never transition.