The Ultimatum

My brother is getting married in the new year, I'm sure I've mentioned this before. Well, my mother has given me an ultimatum. I can either wear a ladies trouser suit and attend the wedding, or not attend the wedding. I only have one brother, and I doubt he'll ever be married twice, but regardless, this is a pretty big thing and because he is my brother and I love him, I don't want to miss it. However, this ultimatum is causing some problems.

I really don't want to wear women's clothes. My mother stopped dressing me a long time ago, and I finally was able, to some degree, to express myself. But every now and again, something like this comes up and me, being the girl, am expected to dress appropriately.

I don't like dressing up. Nights out, I don't do it, I don't have any nice clothes like that, I don't get dressed up. Quite frankly I wouldn't really know how. I don't have any practice in that kind of thing. All my clothing buys have been to disguise my female body and make me feel comfortable. A ladies trouser suit to me is like a straitjacket. I really don't want to wear it.

As I'm rubbish at shopping for clothes, and to be honest I don't enjoy it (changing rooms, funny looks, 'is that a girl buying men's clothes?'), my mother has been scouring the shops for a trouser suit for me to wear. Unfortunately she's found something.

Trying on the clothes, I can't help but feel almost like a petulant child. I instantly go into a bad mood, I want to throw a tantrum, I want to express my horror at having to wear these clothes, I want to tear them to shreds. She pre-empted this by telling me I won't like them, that I'll think they look stupid and it's too bad as that's all there is. So atleast she understands I'm not a willing party to this.

Now, I'm a fairly stoic type, 4 emotions, I don't cry easily, infact I rarely cry (the last time I really cried was on finding my boy Ninja dead at the side of the road), but this had me with a lump in my throat. It really upsets me that much, but I can't tell her that. I can't tell her why I'm reacting like I am. It's not because I'm trying to be selfish or difficult. I can't tell her this, so I end up getting defensive, which means I get angry and go on the attack. I can deal with a big shouting match easier than I can trying on these clothes. But she doesn't know that, so it's just chalked up to me and and my bad attitude, like so many things in my life, trans bullshit interpreted as selfishness.

I don't know how she hasn't figured it out yet, I wonder if she attibutes it to me 'being gay' (for those not in the know, this is the 'official' stance with my parents). Although masculinity and sexuality are two different things entirely, I wonder if she's aware of that?

The things I do to keep this woman happy and she doesn't even realise.