Father of The Bride

I'm watching Father of The Bride, it's one of my dad's favourite films. I wonder if it's because it's how he would have liked me to turn out. When I watch the film, I can't help but feel a pang of jelousy, the girl in the film, Annie, has such a great relationship with her father. Although I don't want to have a father/daughter relationship with my dad, I'd still have liked to have had a relationship with him.

My dad isn't a normal guy. He's not into normal guy stuff. He doesn't drink or smoke, he doesn't go to the pub, he doesn't play or have an active interest in any sports, he doesn't have any hobbies or interests that I could engage in with him. As I've said before, he's a minister of religion, this seems to be the only thing he has an active interest in. That and Fraiser.

Any time I try to engage him in conversation, regardless of the subject, he doesn't reciprocate. He will just look at me and nod his head 'till I stop talking. He never talks to me about things unless there's a motive. For example, he will ask me about the progress of the sale of my flat, not out of curiosity, but concern from a financial standpoint (they're helping me out financially while I'm trying to find full time work). The rest of the time he approaches me in an aggressive manner, to either give me a bollocking, an order or to insult me.

When I see how he is with my brother, it really is the complete opposite to how he is with me. He has all the time in the world for him, he would sit and talk with him about the various dramatic goings on at my brother's work, how his thai boxing classes were going, his friends, normal things that you talk about with your family. But then, my brother is the blue eyed boy, he's turned out alright, got the degree, the good job, the nice car, the fiance. The other day I overheard him on the phone with my brother, he was telling my dad about the BJJ classes he's attending now, I heard my dad say "you don't need to tell me that to make me proud of you". He never says he's proud of me. But then, what have I done for him to be proud of?

So, I've pretty much given up trying to have any kind of a relationship with him, which hurts me.

I wouldn't say my dad has been much of a role model to me, if anything, I'd say he's been an example of how not to be. I can't honestly bring to mind anything that he's taught me to do, simple things, like car maintenence or small scale home DIY. For a minister, he hasn't been a very good teacher. Now, I like to think that I'm quite knowledgeable and practical. I can do most things, practical things, like changing a wheel on a car, or tuning in a TV, or putting up shelves. But all of these things, I've had to figure out myself, I didn't have a dad that was willing to 'take me under his wing' and show me these things.

As a child, he didn't spend much time playing with us, we didn't have alot of money when we were growing up so days out were rare, but we didn't notice as kids. But still, you don't need to spend money to spend time with your kids.

I've never really had someone that I looked up to, I've never really had a strong alpha male role model that I could emulate and learn from. Which makes me wonder how I've managed to become the person that I am, why I have the values and principles that I do, why I am who I am. The expression 'self made man' comes to mind, it would seem that it applies on more than one level.

I almost want to say 'when I grow up I want to be...', even though I'm 27, I still feel like I'm waiting for my adult life to really start. I want to settle down one day, I want to start a family of my own, I want to have kids, I want to be married, I want to be the father of he bride one day. I want to provide a home for my family, safety and security, a happy family, to worry about the kids when they're out late, to take them to the gym with me, to the kids classes and get them involved in a sport, to spend days out with them, to be everything to them that my dad wasn't to me.

I want my life to begin already!

Goodness knows I've got alot of catching up to do...