LGB - T?

I've been thinking recently about the term 'LGBT'. Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered. Some people talk about how the T just gets lumped on at the end there, how it's easier to just include us with the gays, like we're not really a part of them, but we're a bit weird and different too, so it's ok. But then, I see how people in the LGB part of the community act towards the T part of the community. They voice similar predjudices towards us that the heteronormative community so often does. I even saw one lesbian refer to a transwomen as "this transexual guy" "He's wearing a fetching pink dress todayy!". Just a complete disregard for this woman's right to be refered to as female, she clearly knows that the person is an MTF, yet chooses to use the wrong pronouns.

It makes me wonder why the LGB part of the community chooses to act like this towards us, you would think that being part of a minority, a communtiy already maligned by the greater heteronormative communtiy, they would be more sympathetic towards our community. Yet they're not.

So why would this be? When I think back to my time in the lesbian communtiy, there was this feeling of hatred and disdain for anyone encroaching on their community who wasn't an 'Alex Parks carbon copy dyke', this included me. I was too butch for them, plus I was into music like Slipknot, not the dance/pop music that was popular then. So even back then I didn't fit in, I was an outsider, I never got to understand the mentality behind this disdain. But it was there, it was real. I see others, who are members of the Butch/Femme community who, to this day, still experience this rejection from the greater lesbian community.

It makes me think, if the lesbian community (I'm sorry I can't speak for the gay community, I've never really had much experience with the boys) is still willing to reject other lesbians for something as trivial as being 'too butch' or 'too femme' what hope does the trans community have?

So I kept thinking. And then I watched a video by Charles (freshlycharles), talking about his expericenes as a female in a 'rape culture'. And it got me thinking some more. I remember hearing so many coming out stories, where women had said that at first they had sexual experieces with guys before realising they were gay. And it made me think, is there something, perhaps on some subconsious level that makes the lesbian community so guarded because they don't want the effects of this 'rape culture' to permeate? They don't have any sexual interest in men and so why would they want this male influence in their world? Do they view transwomen as really just men in women's clothes? Do they view transmen as dykes who 'sold out'? Deaddogx makes some good points in his video about this too.

When I look at the term 'LGBT', the first thing that comes to mind is that the LGB part refers to sexuality, the T refers to gender. Now, as I've mentioned before, these are two different things. Gender doesn't denote a specific sexuality and sexuality doesn't denote a specific gender. They're two seperate entities, so why are they pushed together like this?

Maybe that's a contributing factor to this 'us and them' feeling? Being a lesbian or a gay man doesn't involve having dysphoria, hormone treatment or surgery. There isn't the same kind of big changes involved with being gay as opposed to being trans. Lesbians are biologically female and female identified, as with the guys, they're biologically male and male identified. They are cisgendered people, who happen to be sexually attracted to people of the same sex and gender.

But then what about all the lesbian, gay and bisexual transpeople? They have every right to be a part of these communities, yet they still experience predjudice. But then I guess this takes us back to my earlier point.

I don't like this feeling of 'us and them', be it between the gay community, the trans community, the LGBT community or the heteronormative community. To my mind, conflict doesn't solve anything. We're all in this together, we're all human after all.

FTM UK - Tranny Chasers

I haven't really had any progress worth mentioning on the transition front, so I'll push on with the FTM UK topics to keep this blog ticking over. Week 7 was 'Tranny Chasers', this term seemed to confuse the guys on the channel strangely enough. Anyway, here we go...

To me, the term 'tranny chaser' counjours up images of a dirty old man in adult book shop. It's not a nice term, it's not a nice thing. My understanding of the term is that it someone who has a sexual fetish for transsexual people, I.E. they fetishise the transsexual aspects of those people. To me a tranny chaser isn't someone who has an attraction to the person, just the physical charactaristics that usually define transsexualism.

I know the term can be banded about far too easily and people in the trans community can be quick to label someone a tranny chaser when it's not the case at all. A friend brought up a genuine point, she was branded a tranny chaser by a group of transpeople because she expressed an attraction to transmen and women. She made the point, by their logic, if a transperson is attracted to another transperson, does that not then make them a tranny chaser? I know myself as a transman who has been attracted to other transpeople, that I'm not a tranny chaser, there's no fetish involved for me and the same is true for my friend.

So what does it make me? Well not a tranny chaser for one. When defining my sexuality, I tend to use the terms queer or pansexual. My primary attraction is to cisgendered females, but I'm not going to rule anything out, so I don't define it too specifically. There is a clear difference between someone who has a genuine attraction to a person who is a transsexual and someone who has a fetish for the transsexual aspects of a person's body.

What my greater concern is, why are we so quick to brand someone a tranny chaser? Why are we so quick to push these people away from our community? To slap this quite frankly derogatory term on them and react so violently towards them? I see the trans community talk about feeling excluded from the 'LGBTQPI' community as a whole, yet when someone from another letter in the acronym shows an interest, we reject it.

I used to see something similar when I was still identifying as a lesbian (a good many years ago!), in pubs and clubs on 'the scene' in Glasgow, the girls I was with branding others as "hettys" and being so disdainful and hateful towards them. I think they felt that it was an attack on their space, there are so many 'straight' clubs in Glasgow yet at that time there was maybe 3 or 4 gay pubs and basically 1 club. Is it the same mentality that is prevailing? A feeling of "us and them"?

Something I'm finding as the trans community comes into it's own, is that with the spectrum of gender identities out there, there's alot of 'gender fucking' going on. The porn that the queer community is producing reflects this, different body types, different genders getting it on and getting off. Where's the harm in that?

Personally, I don't want to be fetishised for those parts of my body. To me, they are abhorrant, and for someone's primary interest in me to be just those parts, it would be an insult to me. On the other hand, if someone was attracted to me for who I was, and who I am because I am trans, well that's just fine by me.

FTM UK - Role Models

I expected a bit more results with this topic, I thought we would all have role models growing up, people we idolised and wanted to be like, maybe it's just me? I'm a big movie fan, I always have been, and I think I've learned a lot from films. Watching how the male characters acted, especially in old films, we watched alot of old films as kids. I think seeing those strong, alpha male, gentlemen characters had a profound influence on me. That's what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I was always a big child, now I don't mean fat, but tall and well built and strong, it's traits that run in my family. But I also tended to identify with male characters who also had these characteristics. The same applied to computer games, with this outlet, I could go some way to express myself. One childhood favourite was Streets of Rage 2. I always went the big wrestler guy, Max.



And as games become more sophisticated and you could customise your characters, I would always go for the big guy. Tall, strong, muscular, everything I wanted to be. But it wasn't just films and games that I had these role models, there was TV too. One program that really sticks in my mind was a TV adaptation of Beauty and the Beast, with Ron Pearlman and Linda Hamilton (some of the older readers should remember!).



I guess this kinda appealed to me as I never really felt 'right', there was something different about me too. Another favourite as a child was a kids' program called 'Round the Bend', I absolutely loved this program, and the main character, Doc Croc, I thought he was brilliant. I think my sarcastic sense of humor was shaped from an early age by the Spitting Image guys.



I don't think I could really say that I had a real life role model that I looked up to. I wouldn't call my dad a role model, we don't really have anything in common to allow us to have a proper close relationship and he's not really one for passing on the things he knows. Pretty much whatever I've learned has been my own doing.

Lacking a proper male role model, I've had to kinda figure a lot of things out myself that normally your father or grandfather would have passed on to male children, fortunately a friend of mine pointed me in the direction of The Art of Manliness, which I've found to be very interesting and quite inspiring. I've still got alot of reading to do on the site, but I think it's going to be quite the influence on me.

The channel's videos -

FTM UK - Public Bathrooms

This was the topic for week 5 on the channel, to talk about our experiences and advice. For the post part, I haven't really used men's toilets alot. It's only really been within the last 6 months or so that I've really settled on the issue of transitioning. I was always on the fence before, and therefore I wasn't really making an effort to pass, including using guys' toilets. The last few months though, have afforded me little opportunity to use mens' toilets. But on the few occasions I have, I've not had any bother. I've actually had more bother using ladies' toilets. Women will stop and stare at you, ask each other if that was a guy, question you directly, it's ridiculous really, at times I have had to argue with women that I'm not in the wrong toilet.

One thing I've found with guys' toilets though is that they're generally pretty unpleasent. If it's a big establishment, like an office building or a hospital, it's not so bad. But a pub or club, they're usually pretty nasty. But then, guy's don't usually need to sit down... you get my drift.

Living at home (thanks recession!) makes it even more difficult to do things to help me pass. I don't know how I would explain to my mother about an STP which she would no doubt stumble upon at some point (my privacy is not top priority in this household).

My advice would be the same as everyone else's really. The men's room is not the place for eye contact or small talk, there's a particular etiquette. There's lots online about this, this is a fun little game you can try to test out your knowledge!

Videos for week 5 -

FTM UK - Emotions & Moods

As some of you may know, I keep a collab channel running on youtube, it's the FTM UK collab channel. I don't make videos myself as 1. I feel like a complete tard talking to myself on camera, and 2. I don't have a proper camera. So, I was thinking, there's all these topics that the guys are making videos on, and it's things that I myself have an opinion on. So instead of voicing my opinions in a video, I'll do it here. Weeks 1 to 3 were introductions (which I've already done), coming out stories (that I've already covered) and how do you ID? So I'm gonna jump ahead to week 4, emotions & moods.

This was kinda posed to the guys as have you noticed any differences since starting T. Well, as I've not yet started, I'm just gonna talk about my emotions and moods in general. For the most part, I'm fairly laid back, I don't anger easily, I'm even headed in a crisis, I'm not overly emotional in general. I seem to have the basic 3 or 4 emotions, happy, sad, angry, whatever... I'm not the the type to cry at movies or weddings, I guess I don't feel that much. Maybe it's a defence mechanism? I don't know. My mood's usually fairly even too, I don't seem to have much in my life right now that really gets me excited.

Is this a typically male thing? I don't know, my dad's kinda the same and I take after him in many aspects but I think with him it's more stoicism than mellowness.

So that's it for emotions lol, not much to write about! I've got a couple more weeks to catch up on, so I'll do that another night.

The week's videos are below.

FTM UK & The T Word

FTM UK
FTM UK on YouTube
The T Word
The T Word on YouTube

The T Word

I've been spending alot of time on you tube recently, with there being such a big FTM community on there, I've had alot of catching up to do. One of my friends posted a video about starting a collaborative channel for transguys on there as many of the current collab channels don't have any openings right now.

But this got me thinking, I'm not a big fan of making videos. As I've said before, I find it easier to get my point across in a blog. But in my time online, I haven't seen (not to say there aren't any!) a collaborative blogs for transguys. So I decided to make one.

It's called The T Word, original I know! But this is an invite to whomever is reading to have a look, and if your a transguy, to contribute also. So please do pass on the link to others and help to spread the word a bit.

thetwordblog.blogspot.com
twitter.com/TheTWordBlog

I am butch, hear me blog!

I hadn't planned on making another entry so soon after my last one, but I'm playing catch up with my friend's you tube videos and one such video reignited a train of thought.

I have been spending time on twitter, and through there I have found a number of butch lesbian resources. I remember when I identified as a lesbian, there was so few websites online that really catered to us. The particular site I found was called Butch Voices, the front page has the following;

We are Butch Voices

We are woman-identified Butches. We are trans-masculine Studs. We are faggot-identified Aggressives. We are noun Butches, adjective Studs and pronoun-shunning Aggressives. We are she, he, hy, ze, zie and hir. We are you, and we are me. The point is, we don’t decide who is Butch, Stud or Aggressive. You get to decide for yourself.

This got me thinking. When I moved from identifiying as a lesbian to identifying as an FTM, I left behind the butch tag too. It didn't occur to me at the time that I could be FTM and butch at the same time. On clicking the link to this site, I assumed it was aimed at butch lesbians and that it would not directly appeal to me. That the butch lebsians are one camp and the FTMs another, and they don't mix well. But on reading that statement, it made me realise, my masculinity is not defined by the fact that I'm FTM.

I am both FTM and Butch.

In my friend's video, he talks about not wanting to be defined as either male or female, about the fact that he liked wearing make up, that he doesn't want to wear boy jeans, that he wants to be androgynous. I also watched an interview with an FTM, who talks about being a rather camp and effeminate gay man (I will try and find out their name!), and how they were also confused by this.

In the cisgendered community, there is varying levels of masculinity in bio males. Why should we be any different? Why should an FTM be considered any less male than any other FTM? We are all individuals, the level of our masculinity should not mean that we are excluded from the queer community. The beauty of our community is the uniqueness of the members and the fact that we accept each other for that individuality. No one should ever feel they are not 'butch enough'.

Transgendered Blah
Transgendered Blah Part 2

Nature vs Nurture - Round 1

So I've been doing some thinking, a dangerous prospect I know(!). But on the matter of being transgendered, and why does it happen. I'm a christian, I believe that we have a soul, and that which we call gender ties in with your soul. That at the point of conception, the soul makes contact with the foetus, and that your soul has a predetermined gender and that's what you grow into, a girl or a boy.

I know alot of people don't believe that gender is just black and white, male and female, but I do. As I said, I'm a christian, I believe that God made man and woman, those two types, the masculine and the feminine and that they should come together to make a whole, to be yin to the other's yang.

Now most folks are fortunate enough that during their development, their body develops in-line with their gender, and everything turns out ok. But I did wonder, as all foetuses start out as female (and I believe it's around 8 weeks that the foetus will then either develop into a male or a female), if the problem lies there. What if I didn't get enough testosterone in the womb? What if the MTF girls got too much? What if it is really as simple as a matter of biology?

I couldn't blame my upbringing for making me this way, nothing about my childhood influenced me to be male, infact, quite the opposite. I was forever turned out in dresses and pretty outfits, given dolls to play with, the typical girly upbringing. Yet despite all those outside influences, I still wanted to play with my brother's GI Joe, not the Rainbow Sprite that was left gathering dust in the corner. During my awkward teenage years, when all the girls were becoming young women and developing an interest in things of a feminine nature, I was turning into the Humpback of Notre Dame, because I wanted to be masculine, but that wasn't allowed, so I was forced to try and find some kind of middle line that equated to being looked upon as a freak.

Which leads me to discount nurture as the cause of this. There are so many medical birth defects that can occur, who's to say that this isn't just another? I guess the problem is that it's not something that can be diagnosed with a physical examination or a blood test. It's something only that person will be able to determine and over a number of years.

It's just something thats been swirling around in my mind these last couple of days. I honestly do not believe that being transgendered is a mental health issue. I believe it really is just a matter of biology.

On a side note, I made a you tube account. There's such a big trans community on there, I thought it was about time I got involved. I don't plan on uploading any videos just now. I think I'll use it to record my transition once I actually start T, to record physical changes and things. I will still use this blog for thoughts and ramblings. I like being able to articulate myself and say exactly what I want to say and change some thing if I don't like it. I can be more concise here than staring at a camera and saying "um" for 10 minutes.

So... um.... yknow.... add me!

www.youtube.com/user/becomingkeltik