Changes

I am what I am. I can't change who or what I am. My brain works a certain way, it's capable of absract thought, planning things, imagining a better life, understanding mechanics, handling vehicles, spatial awareness, there's certain things it does well and there's certain things it doesn't.

I'm not good at cooking, I'm really rather rubbish at it to be honest. I can't think about preparing food, cooking it and providing a meal. I'm not very good at keeping up with the cleaning either, I will literally wear every stitch of clothing I own before I do a washing. It doesn't occur to me to dust down furniture, or wash dishes, or 'help out around the house'.

I was brought up in a very traditional style household. When we were children, my mother was a 'stay at home mum', she didn't work and stayed home to care for us. My mother decided when I was in my early teens to go back to college & university. This meant that she would not be at home when we came home from school. So, being the daughter, I was instructed to peel a pot of potatos and put it on to boil each night. I hated this. My brother was not instructed to do any kind of housework. I often complained about this, "why me and not him?" this was put down to me being selfish. I would often forget about the potoatos and they'd burn (this is part of the reason I don't cook, I actually burnt a pot of water once).

My mum would often give me a bollocking, 'why don't I help her more?' 'why doesn't it occur to me to do these things?' 'she helped her mother when she was growing up, why can't I?' 'what's wrong with me?'. I don't know why, I don't know why it doesn't occur to me to play the submissive role of the little housewife and provide meals for the men of the house. I don't know why my brain doesn't work that way, it just doesn't.

They tell me that I'm selfish, but I don't think I am. I take into account the comfort and feelings of other people all the time. I take into account their comfort and feelings when it comes to transitioning. Is it selfish that I force myself to live my life 'with the sound turned down' to try and make them more comfortable? They don't see how much I am supressing my true self for them. Because I'm wrong and their right, I'm selfish and their not.

It's not selfish of them to constantly try to force me to change myself, to put pressure on me to do things that I don't want to, to refuse to accept that I'm not a liar, to refuse to take my feelings into consideration, to treat me like a 2nd class citizen, to talk to me like I'm either mentally retarded or a piece of shit. No, it's not selfish at all, is it?