Bear with me here...

Ok, so two posts in two days isn't typical for me, I have a few things in my mind that I want to get out. They're not overly trans oriented, but then pretty much every thought I have nowadays has a tie to being transgendered, and it's my blog, so I can post about it!

I'm in a relatively positive frame of mind right now. I've just watched the event UFC 105 and I'm currently watching the latest episode of The Ultimate Fighter. I'm a big MMA (mixed martial arts) fan. So much so that I actually train in the sport, and have been for about a year and a half now. During my years of being bullied, I had pretty much become a recluse. I comfort/boredom ate, and I gained alot of weight. At my heaviest I was about 20 stone (280lbs), although fortunately with my build I never looked as bad as that sounds. But with attending the gym and trying to improve my diet, I've come down to about 17 stone (240lbs), which im pleased with, but I would still like to loose another 3 or 4 stone (about 40lbs).

I'll explain a little about the gym also. It's such a big part of my life now, I have made friends there and it has given me a social outlet and a hobby where previously there was none. When I joined, there was no other 'girls' training. I was the only one, however I never at any point was made to feel unwelcome or any different to any of the guys. After having spent so many years being bullied, I now have an attitude of 'not taking shit from anyone', I am able to appear confident and outgoing, which I believe has helped me to be accepted. The gym policy is also one of mutual respect for all. Anyone showing disrespect is swiftly dealt with.

I train along side the guys, I lift the same weights as they do, I perform the same excersices (although some out of sheer poor fitness I am unable to, but I'm working on that!), I attend the same classes and I learn the same techniques. I spar with the guys, work pads with the guys, I'm basically accepted and treated as one of the guys.

Although recently due to financial issues I have not been able to afford to attend the classes, and I am sorely missing them! I'm currently not working, which in itself is very depressing. Due to my lack of income, I'm now selling my flat, however in today's market, that's taking a little longer than I'd like. So in an effort to save money and leave my flat in viewable condition, I've been living in my parents' spare room. They've also agreed to take in my cat as the address I plan to move to currently houses a dog, and they just wouldn't get along.

So, being at home again is difficult, there is a return to previous attitudes and behaviours, which don't help my situation, only worsen it. It's depressing enough as it is to find work during a recession, without having constant pressure and stress applied at home.

So the property I'm moving to is my gran's 3 bed house. She passed away a couple of years ago, leaving my two uncles who lived with her. Once she passed, one of my uncles moved out, the other stayed. The unce who stayed, that I plan to move in with, doesn't work. He's an alcoholic and has health issues relating to that. He's kinda old school, but he's cool. He spent time with us as kids and we always got on well, so he was happy to take me in now. He asked me recently, just kinda off the cuff, if I was gay. As the official stance is telling none of my family im trans, I told him yes. I think he was a little surprised but after a minute make a joke encouraging me to bring girlfriends home for him to meet.

I'm looking forward to getting moved in and settled down. There's alot of happy memories for me at that house. At my flat, I'm not at all familiar with the area. The same is true of my parent's house. I didn't go to school here, I don't have childhood friends from the area, I've never explored the area like you do as a kid with friends. I don't really feel like I'm 'home' here. But I know the area my gran's house is in, I don't have the same uncertainty as I do here. There are things of interest there for me that are within walking or biking distance. I have family close by there too. I'm not as isolated or have same need for a car living there.

So, it seems like I'm going off on a tangent here, but I'm coming to a point! I'm looking forward to selling up, being free of a financial burden, being able to move out and be settled and having the burden of my parents greatly reduced, to being able to focus properly on finding work, to be living in a house that's big enough to house excersice equipment (that my flat was too small for), and having the time and energy to focus on excersice and eating a proper diet instead of cardboard food, and to be able to start working on making my body look how I really want it to look.

Now, if I could just sell that damn flat!