My brother is getting married in the new year, I'm sure I've mentioned this before. Well, my mother has given me an ultimatum. I can either wear a ladies trouser suit and attend the wedding, or not attend the wedding. I only have one brother, and I doubt he'll ever be married twice, but regardless, this is a pretty big thing and because he is my brother and I love him, I don't want to miss it. However, this ultimatum is causing some problems.
I really don't want to wear women's clothes. My mother stopped dressing me a long time ago, and I finally was able, to some degree, to express myself. But every now and again, something like this comes up and me, being the girl, am expected to dress appropriately.
I don't like dressing up. Nights out, I don't do it, I don't have any nice clothes like that, I don't get dressed up. Quite frankly I wouldn't really know how. I don't have any practice in that kind of thing. All my clothing buys have been to disguise my female body and make me feel comfortable. A ladies trouser suit to me is like a straitjacket. I really don't want to wear it.
As I'm rubbish at shopping for clothes, and to be honest I don't enjoy it (changing rooms, funny looks, 'is that a girl buying men's clothes?'), my mother has been scouring the shops for a trouser suit for me to wear. Unfortunately she's found something.
Trying on the clothes, I can't help but feel almost like a petulant child. I instantly go into a bad mood, I want to throw a tantrum, I want to express my horror at having to wear these clothes, I want to tear them to shreds. She pre-empted this by telling me I won't like them, that I'll think they look stupid and it's too bad as that's all there is. So atleast she understands I'm not a willing party to this.
Now, I'm a fairly stoic type, 4 emotions, I don't cry easily, infact I rarely cry (the last time I really cried was on finding my boy Ninja dead at the side of the road), but this had me with a lump in my throat. It really upsets me that much, but I can't tell her that. I can't tell her why I'm reacting like I am. It's not because I'm trying to be selfish or difficult. I can't tell her this, so I end up getting defensive, which means I get angry and go on the attack. I can deal with a big shouting match easier than I can trying on these clothes. But she doesn't know that, so it's just chalked up to me and and my bad attitude, like so many things in my life, trans bullshit interpreted as selfishness.
I don't know how she hasn't figured it out yet, I wonder if she attibutes it to me 'being gay' (for those not in the know, this is the 'official' stance with my parents). Although masculinity and sexuality are two different things entirely, I wonder if she's aware of that?
The things I do to keep this woman happy and she doesn't even realise.
Monday 28 December 2009
Thursday 17 December 2009
Changes
I am what I am. I can't change who or what I am. My brain works a certain way, it's capable of absract thought, planning things, imagining a better life, understanding mechanics, handling vehicles, spatial awareness, there's certain things it does well and there's certain things it doesn't.
I'm not good at cooking, I'm really rather rubbish at it to be honest. I can't think about preparing food, cooking it and providing a meal. I'm not very good at keeping up with the cleaning either, I will literally wear every stitch of clothing I own before I do a washing. It doesn't occur to me to dust down furniture, or wash dishes, or 'help out around the house'.
I was brought up in a very traditional style household. When we were children, my mother was a 'stay at home mum', she didn't work and stayed home to care for us. My mother decided when I was in my early teens to go back to college & university. This meant that she would not be at home when we came home from school. So, being the daughter, I was instructed to peel a pot of potatos and put it on to boil each night. I hated this. My brother was not instructed to do any kind of housework. I often complained about this, "why me and not him?" this was put down to me being selfish. I would often forget about the potoatos and they'd burn (this is part of the reason I don't cook, I actually burnt a pot of water once).
My mum would often give me a bollocking, 'why don't I help her more?' 'why doesn't it occur to me to do these things?' 'she helped her mother when she was growing up, why can't I?' 'what's wrong with me?'. I don't know why, I don't know why it doesn't occur to me to play the submissive role of the little housewife and provide meals for the men of the house. I don't know why my brain doesn't work that way, it just doesn't.
They tell me that I'm selfish, but I don't think I am. I take into account the comfort and feelings of other people all the time. I take into account their comfort and feelings when it comes to transitioning. Is it selfish that I force myself to live my life 'with the sound turned down' to try and make them more comfortable? They don't see how much I am supressing my true self for them. Because I'm wrong and their right, I'm selfish and their not.
It's not selfish of them to constantly try to force me to change myself, to put pressure on me to do things that I don't want to, to refuse to accept that I'm not a liar, to refuse to take my feelings into consideration, to treat me like a 2nd class citizen, to talk to me like I'm either mentally retarded or a piece of shit. No, it's not selfish at all, is it?
I'm not good at cooking, I'm really rather rubbish at it to be honest. I can't think about preparing food, cooking it and providing a meal. I'm not very good at keeping up with the cleaning either, I will literally wear every stitch of clothing I own before I do a washing. It doesn't occur to me to dust down furniture, or wash dishes, or 'help out around the house'.
I was brought up in a very traditional style household. When we were children, my mother was a 'stay at home mum', she didn't work and stayed home to care for us. My mother decided when I was in my early teens to go back to college & university. This meant that she would not be at home when we came home from school. So, being the daughter, I was instructed to peel a pot of potatos and put it on to boil each night. I hated this. My brother was not instructed to do any kind of housework. I often complained about this, "why me and not him?" this was put down to me being selfish. I would often forget about the potoatos and they'd burn (this is part of the reason I don't cook, I actually burnt a pot of water once).
My mum would often give me a bollocking, 'why don't I help her more?' 'why doesn't it occur to me to do these things?' 'she helped her mother when she was growing up, why can't I?' 'what's wrong with me?'. I don't know why, I don't know why it doesn't occur to me to play the submissive role of the little housewife and provide meals for the men of the house. I don't know why my brain doesn't work that way, it just doesn't.
They tell me that I'm selfish, but I don't think I am. I take into account the comfort and feelings of other people all the time. I take into account their comfort and feelings when it comes to transitioning. Is it selfish that I force myself to live my life 'with the sound turned down' to try and make them more comfortable? They don't see how much I am supressing my true self for them. Because I'm wrong and their right, I'm selfish and their not.
It's not selfish of them to constantly try to force me to change myself, to put pressure on me to do things that I don't want to, to refuse to accept that I'm not a liar, to refuse to take my feelings into consideration, to treat me like a 2nd class citizen, to talk to me like I'm either mentally retarded or a piece of shit. No, it's not selfish at all, is it?
Monday 14 December 2009
The Sandyford
I had the opportunity to visit the clinic in Glasgow that deals with transgender treatment, it's one of only two in Scotland. My friend who moved back to Glasgow, had been having some abdominal pains and was concerned it was related to his hormone treatment. They didn't think it was anything too serious. However, it was a bit of an eye opener for me. It made it seem so much more real, I was in the clinic that I'd only ever read about and was talking to a real life doctor who was well versed in matters of transgenderism (the clinic is called The Sandyford).
I was very impressed with the attitude of the doctor, he seemed genuinely interested, not at all dismissive or critical, he was happy to answer questions and discuss things. I had a hundred questions in my head I could have asked him, but it was my friend's appointment! He had a gynecologist come in and consult with him, who was also brilliant. It made me feel alot more comfortable about coming to the clinc in future myself.
During the appointment, my friend had refered to me as 'he', and at one point the doctor had asked my name, at the time I had given my birth name (which in Scotland is traditionally a boy's name but has been more popularly used as a girl's name in recent years) but he didn't question this. As I've said before my options right now for passing are somewhat limited, but I think he just assumed that I was also transgendered. At the end of the appointment, I had asked him where the bathroom was, and he directed me to the men's toilets, it was nice to have someone direct me to the men's room without the usual awkwardness.
On a side note, I've just ordered my first proper binder! It's the M1300 from T-Kingdom, with shipping included it was just under £35. Not a bad price for what a friend has recommended as being a good binder. I don't expect I'll see it before the new year though with the christmas post. But that's ok, I've waited this long, what's a few more weeks?
I was very impressed with the attitude of the doctor, he seemed genuinely interested, not at all dismissive or critical, he was happy to answer questions and discuss things. I had a hundred questions in my head I could have asked him, but it was my friend's appointment! He had a gynecologist come in and consult with him, who was also brilliant. It made me feel alot more comfortable about coming to the clinc in future myself.
During the appointment, my friend had refered to me as 'he', and at one point the doctor had asked my name, at the time I had given my birth name (which in Scotland is traditionally a boy's name but has been more popularly used as a girl's name in recent years) but he didn't question this. As I've said before my options right now for passing are somewhat limited, but I think he just assumed that I was also transgendered. At the end of the appointment, I had asked him where the bathroom was, and he directed me to the men's toilets, it was nice to have someone direct me to the men's room without the usual awkwardness.
On a side note, I've just ordered my first proper binder! It's the M1300 from T-Kingdom, with shipping included it was just under £35. Not a bad price for what a friend has recommended as being a good binder. I don't expect I'll see it before the new year though with the christmas post. But that's ok, I've waited this long, what's a few more weeks?
Saturday 12 December 2009
Father of The Bride
I'm watching Father of The Bride, it's one of my dad's favourite films. I wonder if it's because it's how he would have liked me to turn out. When I watch the film, I can't help but feel a pang of jelousy, the girl in the film, Annie, has such a great relationship with her father. Although I don't want to have a father/daughter relationship with my dad, I'd still have liked to have had a relationship with him.
My dad isn't a normal guy. He's not into normal guy stuff. He doesn't drink or smoke, he doesn't go to the pub, he doesn't play or have an active interest in any sports, he doesn't have any hobbies or interests that I could engage in with him. As I've said before, he's a minister of religion, this seems to be the only thing he has an active interest in. That and Fraiser.
Any time I try to engage him in conversation, regardless of the subject, he doesn't reciprocate. He will just look at me and nod his head 'till I stop talking. He never talks to me about things unless there's a motive. For example, he will ask me about the progress of the sale of my flat, not out of curiosity, but concern from a financial standpoint (they're helping me out financially while I'm trying to find full time work). The rest of the time he approaches me in an aggressive manner, to either give me a bollocking, an order or to insult me.
When I see how he is with my brother, it really is the complete opposite to how he is with me. He has all the time in the world for him, he would sit and talk with him about the various dramatic goings on at my brother's work, how his thai boxing classes were going, his friends, normal things that you talk about with your family. But then, my brother is the blue eyed boy, he's turned out alright, got the degree, the good job, the nice car, the fiance. The other day I overheard him on the phone with my brother, he was telling my dad about the BJJ classes he's attending now, I heard my dad say "you don't need to tell me that to make me proud of you". He never says he's proud of me. But then, what have I done for him to be proud of?
So, I've pretty much given up trying to have any kind of a relationship with him, which hurts me.
I wouldn't say my dad has been much of a role model to me, if anything, I'd say he's been an example of how not to be. I can't honestly bring to mind anything that he's taught me to do, simple things, like car maintenence or small scale home DIY. For a minister, he hasn't been a very good teacher. Now, I like to think that I'm quite knowledgeable and practical. I can do most things, practical things, like changing a wheel on a car, or tuning in a TV, or putting up shelves. But all of these things, I've had to figure out myself, I didn't have a dad that was willing to 'take me under his wing' and show me these things.
As a child, he didn't spend much time playing with us, we didn't have alot of money when we were growing up so days out were rare, but we didn't notice as kids. But still, you don't need to spend money to spend time with your kids.
I've never really had someone that I looked up to, I've never really had a strong alpha male role model that I could emulate and learn from. Which makes me wonder how I've managed to become the person that I am, why I have the values and principles that I do, why I am who I am. The expression 'self made man' comes to mind, it would seem that it applies on more than one level.
I almost want to say 'when I grow up I want to be...', even though I'm 27, I still feel like I'm waiting for my adult life to really start. I want to settle down one day, I want to start a family of my own, I want to have kids, I want to be married, I want to be the father of he bride one day. I want to provide a home for my family, safety and security, a happy family, to worry about the kids when they're out late, to take them to the gym with me, to the kids classes and get them involved in a sport, to spend days out with them, to be everything to them that my dad wasn't to me.
I want my life to begin already!
Goodness knows I've got alot of catching up to do...
My dad isn't a normal guy. He's not into normal guy stuff. He doesn't drink or smoke, he doesn't go to the pub, he doesn't play or have an active interest in any sports, he doesn't have any hobbies or interests that I could engage in with him. As I've said before, he's a minister of religion, this seems to be the only thing he has an active interest in. That and Fraiser.
Any time I try to engage him in conversation, regardless of the subject, he doesn't reciprocate. He will just look at me and nod his head 'till I stop talking. He never talks to me about things unless there's a motive. For example, he will ask me about the progress of the sale of my flat, not out of curiosity, but concern from a financial standpoint (they're helping me out financially while I'm trying to find full time work). The rest of the time he approaches me in an aggressive manner, to either give me a bollocking, an order or to insult me.
When I see how he is with my brother, it really is the complete opposite to how he is with me. He has all the time in the world for him, he would sit and talk with him about the various dramatic goings on at my brother's work, how his thai boxing classes were going, his friends, normal things that you talk about with your family. But then, my brother is the blue eyed boy, he's turned out alright, got the degree, the good job, the nice car, the fiance. The other day I overheard him on the phone with my brother, he was telling my dad about the BJJ classes he's attending now, I heard my dad say "you don't need to tell me that to make me proud of you". He never says he's proud of me. But then, what have I done for him to be proud of?
So, I've pretty much given up trying to have any kind of a relationship with him, which hurts me.
I wouldn't say my dad has been much of a role model to me, if anything, I'd say he's been an example of how not to be. I can't honestly bring to mind anything that he's taught me to do, simple things, like car maintenence or small scale home DIY. For a minister, he hasn't been a very good teacher. Now, I like to think that I'm quite knowledgeable and practical. I can do most things, practical things, like changing a wheel on a car, or tuning in a TV, or putting up shelves. But all of these things, I've had to figure out myself, I didn't have a dad that was willing to 'take me under his wing' and show me these things.
As a child, he didn't spend much time playing with us, we didn't have alot of money when we were growing up so days out were rare, but we didn't notice as kids. But still, you don't need to spend money to spend time with your kids.
I've never really had someone that I looked up to, I've never really had a strong alpha male role model that I could emulate and learn from. Which makes me wonder how I've managed to become the person that I am, why I have the values and principles that I do, why I am who I am. The expression 'self made man' comes to mind, it would seem that it applies on more than one level.
I almost want to say 'when I grow up I want to be...', even though I'm 27, I still feel like I'm waiting for my adult life to really start. I want to settle down one day, I want to start a family of my own, I want to have kids, I want to be married, I want to be the father of he bride one day. I want to provide a home for my family, safety and security, a happy family, to worry about the kids when they're out late, to take them to the gym with me, to the kids classes and get them involved in a sport, to spend days out with them, to be everything to them that my dad wasn't to me.
I want my life to begin already!
Goodness knows I've got alot of catching up to do...
Saturday 5 December 2009
XY or XL?
The other night I was talking with my friend, the guy who moved back to Glasgow. He told me about the various tests that can be done to see if your XX or XY. This kinda got me thinking again. I wonder if there is some kind of biological indicator for me to say that there's something 'wrong'.
I took a test once, when I was a student, it was a psychology test to determine the type of brain I had, male type or female type. Funnily enough, it told me I have a male type brain.
As I'm catching up with friends' youtube videos and hearing them describe the changes that their seeing, early on in their transition, within the first 6 to 8 weeks I'd say, I'm realising that alot of those changes have already happened to me. I'm hairy in places females wouldn't normally be (the backs of my hands and fingers for example), in my teens I had the uncomfortable feeling in my throat and a cracked voice before it dropped (I'd call this my voice breaking but others have disagreed), the muscles in my arms and shoulders bulked up a bit and I noticed veins and tendons becoming more prominent in my forearms, an insatiable hunger (*I* ate all the pies) and other wee things like that.
I'm actually kinda hoping that there is something there that a test will pick up on. Something scientific, something that I can say is proof that I should have been born male, that it's not just all in my head.
Attitudes towards mental health in the UK, Scotland anyway, are somewhat dated. We don't have the same kind of 'therapy culture' that the states does. I have never spoken to a therapist, it's never been suggested to me, I've never had any kind of mental health issues diagnosed, I've never had anyone pick up on my depression. I can remember one time in particular, trying to tell my mum I felt depressed, and she just sort of shrugged it off. I don't believe it was in a callous manner, but just because she really cannot understand it, she has no concept of these things. Another occassion that comes to mind in my teens, I had tried to tell her that I felt lonely, being single, and was depressed by that. Again, she didn't engage me in the conversation, she didn't know what to say.
I think this is part of the reason why I'm reluctant to come out to my parents. I've never been able to talk about things like this with them in the past. It's always been forced and awkward. As I've mentioned before, my coming out to my parents was quite traumatic. Since then, I think I could count on one hand the number of times my being gay has been mentioned. They have never met any girlfriends, they no nothing about my sex life, not that parents need to know everything, but they know absolutely nothing. They've never asked and I don't particularly want to volunteer the information.
I don't really know where this post is going. It's just a bit of brain leakage I think. It's been a busy couple of weeks and I'm not very articulate today. As my school report card always used to say "must try harder".
I took a test once, when I was a student, it was a psychology test to determine the type of brain I had, male type or female type. Funnily enough, it told me I have a male type brain.
As I'm catching up with friends' youtube videos and hearing them describe the changes that their seeing, early on in their transition, within the first 6 to 8 weeks I'd say, I'm realising that alot of those changes have already happened to me. I'm hairy in places females wouldn't normally be (the backs of my hands and fingers for example), in my teens I had the uncomfortable feeling in my throat and a cracked voice before it dropped (I'd call this my voice breaking but others have disagreed), the muscles in my arms and shoulders bulked up a bit and I noticed veins and tendons becoming more prominent in my forearms, an insatiable hunger (*I* ate all the pies) and other wee things like that.
I'm actually kinda hoping that there is something there that a test will pick up on. Something scientific, something that I can say is proof that I should have been born male, that it's not just all in my head.
Attitudes towards mental health in the UK, Scotland anyway, are somewhat dated. We don't have the same kind of 'therapy culture' that the states does. I have never spoken to a therapist, it's never been suggested to me, I've never had any kind of mental health issues diagnosed, I've never had anyone pick up on my depression. I can remember one time in particular, trying to tell my mum I felt depressed, and she just sort of shrugged it off. I don't believe it was in a callous manner, but just because she really cannot understand it, she has no concept of these things. Another occassion that comes to mind in my teens, I had tried to tell her that I felt lonely, being single, and was depressed by that. Again, she didn't engage me in the conversation, she didn't know what to say.
I think this is part of the reason why I'm reluctant to come out to my parents. I've never been able to talk about things like this with them in the past. It's always been forced and awkward. As I've mentioned before, my coming out to my parents was quite traumatic. Since then, I think I could count on one hand the number of times my being gay has been mentioned. They have never met any girlfriends, they no nothing about my sex life, not that parents need to know everything, but they know absolutely nothing. They've never asked and I don't particularly want to volunteer the information.
I don't really know where this post is going. It's just a bit of brain leakage I think. It's been a busy couple of weeks and I'm not very articulate today. As my school report card always used to say "must try harder".
FTM UK
I have decided to make an FTM support forum. I know there's a few online already, but when I googled FTM support groups in Scotland, the results were fairly slim. I couldn't find anything in the Glasgow area specifically. This is something I've always found online, I'm the only brit in a sea of americans. Not that I'm complaining, but it's nice to make contact with someone who lives 10 minutes away instead of 10 hours.
So I made FTM UK, it is a UK based FTM forum, and I specifically put the UK in the title to try and attract fellow brits. However, this is not to say that folks from outside the UK aren't welcome! So this is an open invite to whomever is reading, regardless of how you ID, if your FTM, intersex or even just consider yourself an ally, you're very welcome to come along and say hello.
FTM UK Forum
So I made FTM UK, it is a UK based FTM forum, and I specifically put the UK in the title to try and attract fellow brits. However, this is not to say that folks from outside the UK aren't welcome! So this is an open invite to whomever is reading, regardless of how you ID, if your FTM, intersex or even just consider yourself an ally, you're very welcome to come along and say hello.
FTM UK Forum
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